AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

Just wanted to add my voice to everyone saying how unacceptable this is. I’m glad you and your husband are united on what to do.
I have young kids and most teachers/nursery staff choose neutral language (“say goodbye to your grown up”) - this is so easy to avoid.
that the TA knows your situation yet has done it so many times is truly unfathomable.
hugs to your nephew and kudos to you for being there for him 🙏

When you see its that horrid TA at the door can you not just say to her to keep her mouth shut before she has a chance to say it? Obviously in a way thats appropriate, but dont even give the stupid cow the chance

Oh come on, this is completely unacceptable!
you would make a point to remember that particular child and correct it immediately!

I really hope you get this sorted op, you should absolutely amazing and I’m so sorry for your loss

Oh my heart! This is awful. Please speak to the head, this is totally unacceptable.

I'm a TA and if I have to ask a child anything about their home life, I'll ask something like "who looks after you at home?" As a profession, we're usually pretty good at not putting foot in mouth. However, sadly there's always an outlier.

Your poor wee nephew. 🥺

I have a 4 year old boy and this completely broke my heart. There is no excuse at all and I do wonder how it is possible she keeps forgetting? Is she fit? As others pointed out, imagine she keeps forgetting other special circumstances that may impact the children’s care?

I am so sad to read this, your poor DN.

Please complain to the provider/school.
This is unacceptable

And if she cant remember who a child's adult is (and is such a thick, insensitive twat she doesnt think its important enough to explicitly learn exactly which very small child is grieving having lost a parent), why tf isnt she saying "say goodbye to your grown up" like most providers ACTUALLY do! Not all women who drop kids off are going to be "Mummy", step mums, aunties, friends, much older siblings, younger grandmas, foster carers etc may all be a woman dropping kids off at school/nursery/wrap around care.

Honestly! She should NOT have made this mistake more than once ffs!!!

I’m glad you’re going to make sure it’s taken seriously. He deserves people who are respectful of what he has been through.

I had to do a speech and language assessment this week with a child who has a complex history including her mum having fled DV, she has no contact with him and a lot of related trauma. One of the questions on the assessment mentioned a Mum and a Dad. I don’t work with this child a lot but I know enough to know that could be an issue, so I changed it to names whereby the same
outcome could be judged without causing distress.

This TA simply needs to remember the person dropping off is aunty!

Your involvement in the school as a parent of three and as a volunteer is extensive. The SLT know you well.
Hopefully she’s history by Monday, and that that is why SLT has been busy today knowing he’s vomited, been absent, that you’ve withdrawn him and refused to pay. The TA cannot be trusted at drop off or during the rest of the time she spends with him, has been given more than fair warning and should be gone. If she isn’t she’ll have to face Mr. JAW on Monday and both of you thereafter. Rightly so.
Insist on her removal. She’s not fit to be a TA.

Dreadful! It isn't hard to remember, and if she thinks she can't remember, just say "say goodbye!" To everyone instead of adding the mummy. So insensitive. I'd have a word with whomever manages it and ask that she doesn't do the door tbh.

Yes this. Unless I know for definite they have mum or dad I just tend to refer to 'your grown ups at home'. It's not bloody hard.

Omg poor little man, four years old :( I worked in reception for a while and did some after school club too and I knew those lids off my heart in no time, no excuses for something as huge as what he's gone through too.

You are absolutely right to be angry about this. If the situation is already known to the class teacher and the deputy I would at this point want to escalate to the head and explain the steps so far. Be very clear how deeply insensitive and inappropriate are this is for your DN.

I shifted from using the term mum and dad in general to just using 'your grown ups' or 'your adult' in response to a child who had experienced the loss of both parents and used it with every class since.

That TA needs sacking

@JustAnotherWhinger This is just awful .
The poor child
It has gone beyond a mistake. If the TA cannot learn to just say "say goodbye" then she needs to be off the door and face a serious penalty.
I would also be worried that the dim wit would not be telling the children to draw a picture of mummy and daddy in the class

It sounds daft but when I worked with young children, the school policy was to use the term grownup/s. Because family configurations vary wildly. “Philip, your grownup is here to take you home.” The children were unbothered and the adults didn’t have to explain themselves and their relationship to the child. If they were on record as being responsible for the child, that’s all we needed to know. Some adults just asked us to use their first name. “Say goodbye to Amelia, Jenny.” No problem.

You are 100% not overreacting, if anything you're under reacting. Does she have anything to do with your nephew elsewhere in his school day? Someone who repeatedly cannot remember a child's needs, and upsets them so badly they have to go home, has no place working in a school. I work in a school and this would be a serious disciplinary offence, potentially bad enough for dismissal

Also most schools use "your grown up" / "your people at home" to not other children in exactly this kind of set up. It's been drummed into us every school I've ever set foot in, don't know how she's missed the memo

I voted that you are being unreasonable, only because you haven't escalated this, instead talking about your dn losing something they enjoy because it is easier.

The school are fracturing your relationship. They need to find a way to support the ta into doing their job or remove them from a situation they are not equipped to manage.

I would be escalating this. Read the policies, go the informal route, then make it formal. The wellbeing of your dn should be paramount and the school aren't managing the basics.

If I were in charge there, I would be seriously concerned that someone as forgetful as this also won't remember things like children's allergies, which could become incredibly dangerous. They need to take urgent action.

I absolutely have not gone down the route of withdrawing him because it’s easier.

I’ve spoken with the class teacher every time and the deputy head twice - the most senior person in the school at that time of day.

I’m withdrawing him because of the schools inability to sort it and because his well being is paramount. Not because it’s fucking easier.

Is it possible this TA is somehow untouchable?
When my son was in nursery the head's daughter started working there, and later in the older years. She was awful in every way imaginable in an otherwise very good school and superb nursery.