AIBU to take a hard stance with the school on this

[JustAnotherWhinger]

I worked in schools for 20+ years so I’m very aware of how hard school staff work. I’ve also had a good relationship with this school for years and have had 3 kids through it already.

DN lives with us as his Mummy died. He’s doing amazing given the circumstances. He started school in September and loves it.

Since the second week he’s been going to the breakfast club three days a week. It’s run by school staff. The one he goes to (they have two separate ones) is staffed by two TAs and they take 25 kids. DN was desperate to go as his wee bestie, who lives on our street, goes and we’ve been happy to encourage anything that helps him settle.

However, for the 6th time since he started the TA who does the door said “say bye to Mummy…”

This leaves DN horribly upset and it’s getting worse each time it happens. Every time the TA apologises, tells DN it’s so difficult to remember every and she’ll try her best not to do it again. Today DN was so upset he ended up being sick and has missed the whole day of school.

Last week the other TA took over doing the door and DN had a brilliant week. This week the forgetful TA has upset him twice. I get that learning lots of kids names is difficult, but how the fuck do you forget an orphaned kid that you’ve upset numerous times?

My AIBU is this - To stop going to breakfast club you have to give a month’s notice and pay for that notice. I’ve told the school today I’m withdrawing DN effective immediately and won’t be paying.

The TA is either making absolutely no effort or she cannot recognise faces, in which case she shouldn’t be doing the door.

DH thinks in the interest of the relationship with the school we should pay for the notice, but I don’t agree. DN wants to go. I want him to go. He cannot go because they are repeatedly upsetting him.

I did read the post thank you.

That she is raising it and any action from the school is ineffective means they aren't handling it well.
Op needs to go through the policies, and raise this as a concern following the process laid out. This would typically be the governors, then either that LA or the consortium.

Op says that she has worked in schools, so she already knows this she is concerned she will make waves and damage the relationship with staff. This has already happened and the damage was caused by the school, not op.

Her dn needs a strong advocate here.

Teacher here. This is absolutely unacceptable from the TA. I definitely would not be paying and I would be pushing the issue. They have 25 children at the breakfast club. It is absolutely not difficult to either remember or change your language to a simple "say bye bye now" or something similar (without any familial language)

He has a strong advocate.

Hence removing him from a situation that’s doing him harm and not sending him back to be hurt further just in the hope they’ll get better at dealing with it.

It’s far from my fault that the school have been ineffective so far. I have followed the processes I should have to this point, and will continue to do so.

Your suggesting that I’m doing what’s easiest for me, rather than what’s best for DN is downright offensive.

OP please don’t listen to the poster above. You are doing a wonderful thing looking after your nephew. I honestly can’t imagine what you and your family have gone through.

like many other posters who are teachers or work in schools - I often roll my eyes at some of the posts about schools and the unrealistic expectations of parents when schools and teachers are on their knees…. But this instance - I just can’t believe this keeps happening. You have absolutely every right to escalate this and and complain. This TA needs taking off her duties at breakfast club and they need to come up with a new plan right now about how they are going staff it. Absolutely ridiculous

As someone who works in a school at lunch time if a child doesn't like something in there pack lunch we say tell your grown up we dont no all the kids stories.... your nephew shouldn't have to go thru this the TA should say.. say bye bye to your grown up or adults there so many different families now u cant just say mummy

Anyone who works in a school would remember a wean whose mum has died. I'd raise the merry hell.

I think you are right. The TA is incompetent if she can't remember important details about specific children's needs. Who runs the breakfast club? Ask them for their complaints procedure and follow it.

You are right, this is unacceptable, and this is not just about your DN- other children are at the school/may join the school who live with people other than their parents.

The school need to address this with all staff and perhaps implement a policy of saying ‘say goodbye’ rather than naming the person- there’s absolutely no need to do so, and it stops staff having to remember which child to say what to if that’s impossible to remember 🙄

Good luck OP, your instincts are spot on here.

Agree everyone is allowed a slip of the tongue or a busy moment of forgetting. Why cant she stop saying the whole phrase to all children if she can’t remember his face

TA as thick as two planks and "management" failing to deal with the situation. That TA should have had a formal warning. And you would be entirely justified in asking why the other TA cannot be kept on door duty (if they can't do anything about the thick one). They should consider having someone more senior/capable supervising door duty if those two really can't manage.

You need to write to the chair of govenors detailing what has happened - the facts speak for themselves. And involve safeguarding lead if they can be any help.

That's very concerning. Firstly, absolutely heartbreakibg for your DN and yourself, but if she can't remember faces/names and is running a breakfast club, how would she cope with a child who had allergies? Eould she remember their different meal / pay closer attention to them? I wouldn't deny him his club with his little friend, but I would see to it that she's no longer there. She doesn't sound fit for the job.

That’s horrrendous. Poor wee boy. YANBU

This is a really good point.

I just don't understand why the daft woman has to name 'mummy' - just 'say goodbye' is sufficient.

Poor little lad.

Raise the merry hell.

If she can't remember one important child's face, the next best thing would be to just say 'say goodbye' and not make any comment at all on who they're saying goodbye to. It's not rocket science.

Your poor nephew, just needs a little bit of extra care and she can't even manage that.

I haven’t RTFT. But clearly TA is being unreasonable. Please put in a complaint; there is no way she doesn’t know what she’s doing.
If she is genuinely that forgetful how can she be trusted to work around young children.

As a parent of 3 kids with SEN I know how hard it is to deal with schools where most staff are brilliant and you don’t want to be THAT parent all the time.

Sounds like you are doing everything right so far, your DN is lucky to have you.

But sometimes there is no harm in pushing the nuclear button and coming down hard, because frankly this is just awful. And the lack of contact and follow up to your concerns makes it even worse.

I would demand a face to face with the HT, I’d take along a written summary of everything that has happened and hand it to her as a formal complaint. Then I’d make it clear that you expect to be told exactly what will be done to fix the situation.

Hopefully DN will be at this school for the next 6 years, so you may as well set your stall out now as someone who will fight hard if necessary.

I'd raise the merry hell.

I would let him keep going if he wanted to. But when you get to the door on Monday, don't let this TA open her mouth. Take over. Talk over her. Whatever it takes to ensure she cannot say a word.

Then go speak to the head and point out the massive safeguarding issues this TA is causing by being completely unable or unwilling to remember a fairly massive thing about a little lad. Would she be the same about an allergy? Would she sign over a kid to the wrong parent? Because if the answer to any of those things is 'oh shit, maybe', then she can't be in that role. And if the answer is no, then she just doesn't give a shit and therefore also shouldn't be in that role.

Bloody hell!

I would make a formal complaint to the school, this is entirely unacceptable and I don't see why poor DN should miss out on breakfast club because of the total lack of professionalism by the staff member.

She needs re-training and told that if she can't get her brain in gear it will be a disciplinary.

This is serious.

Please don’t listen to those who suggest you’ve taken the path of least resistance to suit yourself. You’re doing an amazing job with your little DN. I am fuming on behalf of you.

Please write to the school - you want a strong paper trail with dates and names of TAs and detailing how this has affected your DN.

You won’t be paying and want a reimbursement for dates billed but missed due to the upset caused for your DN. If you didn’t pay for dates missed please ignore me.

I‘d also strongly advise to send a copy of the letter to the board of governors as it seems the HT‘s „measures“ are ineffective and harming a little 4 year old pupil.

Omg you'd be devastated to make a child feel like this and look out for them to make sure you NEVER did it again. How on earth does she forget time after time? It's unforgiveable,vshes retraumatising him day after day, because she can't remember she's previously upset a bereaved child. If her memory is that bad, as you say, perhaps she shouldn't be on the door!

This is shocking.
It needs an email to the HT listing every incident and notice that such a basic abdication of care will be escalated to the BOM or school Governors.

Ffs, how many orphaned children are there in the school.

That stupid woman is not fit for the job if she cannot remember something so bloody basic.

Poor little mite.
I would be mortified to have made this mistake even once.

Indeed. She just needs to change her patter to say, have you said your goodbyes today and not mention anybody! There'll be other kids in care or whatever, or just not a parent, that she might be upsetting. If she can't remember because she's git an appalling memory, there are ways around it, and the school need to enforce her finding them.

This is not ok and not good enough. I work in a school and I would expect that all staff working with your DN to have been briefed about the situation so as they can 1) keep an eye on their wellbeing 2) not make careless and unthoughtful errors that impact their wellbeing.

To be honest, there is no need to say ‘say goodbye to mummy’ anyway. You can just say ‘time to say goodbye now’.

Perhaps you need to sit down with someone at school and go through what you want. What language can they change as to not exclude (eg use ‘grown ups at home’ instead of ‘mum/dad/parents etc. What do you want to happen on Mother’s Day etc.

Appalling. I’d take this all the way through the school’s complaints procedure until the TA’s removed from door duty. So he can return to the club.

Staff shouldn’t be calling anyone ‘mummy’. Not all families want to explain their set up. Lots of kids are cared for by people who aren’t their mum, whether kinship carers (e.g. GPs), foster carers, partners of the father etc. It’s easy enough to say ‘say goodbye’ and not call you anything.

Poor lad.

I feel angry on your behalf. This is entirely unacceptable. Repeatedly done. I am sorry but as it is repeated I am struggling to think it is an accident.
I would raise the absolute roof. Nicely mind.
Every boss, teachers included, have a boss. Keep going up the chain until you get things sorted. Copy people into emails. Have a record of your communications. After meetings do one ‘as discussed at our meeting today’…to record agreements and actions that will be taken.