AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

I have had to leave places because of my son's reaction to someone else's noise. Sometimes it's parents leaving young children to run around screaming. Or like the other week the loud 2 mums with babies on the next table. My son had a panic attack and started hitting himself. Mainly due to trauma from being attacked by someone who used to live in the same supported housing as him. They do make a noise I'm not saying they don't. But they know when we are somewhere like a cafe it's not acceptable and will be taken out of their behaviour is bothering other people.

Bless you, I’m a mum to a noisy autistic little boy. Had we made it to a cafe like the one you describe I’ve no doubt I would have been delighted albeit very aware of our impact on others. For all I might have found the request from your DH upsetting, it would not have been because he’d asked but rather because life can indeed be hard and it isn’t easy to get out and about. I say that simply because I see both sides - I appreciate the concern you had for the boy and his mum but I also understand why your DH said something. You’ve both had a tough time and I’m glad you have managed to talk things through tonight. Sadly both my husband and I have had our own family experiences with prostate cancer and so I know what a daunting time this is for you. I do hope that you get some good news next week. In the meantime go do your shift and please don’t worry - I’m sure that the mum in question understood and even if the boy reacted, that’s not on you or your DH. It’s actually a good thing that he felt able to go off and regulate. Hope you get some sleep and fingers crossed for you both xxx

I think the child's parent should have had greater awareness of how annoying that noise would be in a cafe. ND isn't an excuse for making loads of noise and ruining everyone else's time in the café. I have ND children and ppl like that give us a bad name. OH didn't do anything wrong. She shouldn't expose her child like that to the very obvious consequence that someone might politely ask them to stfu.

In fairness, your husband himself could have sensory issues or autism also. Nobody knows what’s going on with anyone else.

He is allowed tell someone to be quiet if he needs that. How would anyone know and you yourself were guessing. I doubt anyone thought about it afterwards except you.

Why the fuck did you have a go at him when you got home?

What an absolutely horrible thing to do.

You should be thoroughly ashamed of yourself.

There are a lot of assumptions of this child’s abilities because he could somewhat present as neurotypical and is verbal. Playing a game at a community cafe is acceptable, doing the same thing while having lunch at a fine dining restaurant is unfair. The child’s mother chose an inclusive venue, and was fully present and interacting with her child, she sounds like a brilliant mum. Hopefully this won’t put them off going back, people can’t comprehend how much smaller our world gets when you have a disabled child. Luckily I’ve never had a bad experience, and I have to remind myself that most people are decent whenever these unpleasant threads pop up.

Your poor husband.

I think I can see why others in the cafe were shocked. They saw a child and his mother having a lovely time together and enjoying themselves, probably in the context of that being quite a rare event for them, only to have that blown apart by your husband. However, that is no reason for you not to go back and volunteer. You can explain what has been going on for your husband and that you are both mortified, and I'm sure no-one will think any the worse of you as a result.

If he was polite I see no problem with this. Your husband has a right to peace while eating and that sounded annoying. You don't even know if the child was nd anyway.
It may have been a better idea to ask the staff to deal with it but I know they can be busy. Some children are just naturally scared of strange men so that could have had something to do with the boy running away.
I used to take pick up sticks with me to restaurants to amuse mine as they are quiet.

Eh?

The boy was being very loud. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

and

excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation.

This is not what you just claimed.

Also, as the OP became quite hysterical about such a non event I rather doubt her "everyone staring at him as though he was a mass murderer" routine is particularly realistic either, they probably thought she was half daft for hissing at her husband and were grateful he'd said something, or were staring at her making a show of herself rending her garments.

And they were probably too scared to politely ask the kid to keep it down and let others enjoy their day too, because of the sort of hysterical responses on this thread. You'd think the man was a mass murderer instead of a perfectly polite, reasonable person who made a polite, normal request, judging by some of these responses. The staff probably just tolerate loud, upsetting behaviour day in and day out rather than being shouted at by an angry mob.

It’s not someone like your boy that is an ‘inconvenience’ - it was the noisy and repeated nature of the game that was annoying.

I think people are taking this so personally but if someone - anyone - came and sat next to you and repeatedly slammed their hand on a table for what, 15 mins? Half an hour? An hour? You wouldn’t find it insufferable?

Why would you cancel?
I can’t really see what your dh did wrong, it sounds like he was perfectly polite and the noise had been going on a while.
I wonder if you might have misinterpreted the looks from other people because I can guarantee a fair few of them will also have been annoyed by the noise.