AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

I understand why you were mortified as it was in a community cafe and the child was very likely disabled. Even so your husband can be forgiven as was very upset and stressed. Don't cancel your shift.

This isn't a gender issue. I've witnessed plenty of women (usually older) raise similar issues.
I agree with the rest of your post though. Exposure and experience in navigating the situation is important. Part of that navigation is being politely spoken to

The update didn’t change that OP going home and having a ‘real go’ at her grieving DH who was already feeling bad was the wrong thing to do. However they’ve resolved it now and hopefully things will go ok for them over the next few days 🤞

I work with autistic children and often have to tell them to be quieter because they all have aversion to loud noises so they dysregulate each other by being loud. They often don’t do it on purpose of course so that’s why I direct them with kindness and no shaming.

Your husband did nothing wrong.

…and yet if you hold that view ..the community cafe doesn't want you ..a community cafe is welcoming to all and would ask you to leave if you expressed that view

Some common sense at last.

Go to communities cafes they are for you and yours 💐💐💐🫶

That cant be changed the same way it cant that her DH ignored her feelings before he too was "politely asked not to say anything". It works both ways 🤷 so let's not be one sided here. She felt embarrassed and he was unable to regulate his own emotions. Yet wanted that from a child. How can you not see the hypocrisy here? Despite it being a 1 off from her DH granted. I just think that's no excuse to bypass OPs feelings. She now has to go to a shift at this cafe. Id be annoyed too with DH.

Its just a simple case as both of them were on edge. Glad its sorted OP.

Some of them cant help it. If you dont like it, go home.

And the disabled child he made hide in a loo.

The ableism is appalling.

Ffs he didn’t make him hide in a loo.

He politely asked the family, she was unkind to her DH. There’s a difference. Your point was that OP did nothing wrong, and actually she did, so if anyone is being a bit one sided it’s you really. Both of them made a mistake today, and both failed to regulate their own emotions, quite understandable given the stress they are under though.

The boy was enjoying the cafe. The husband should have minded his business but instead upset a disabled child. What a peach.

This.

Ive had it from women too. But never with my husband and my child can be a nightmare. All gets tolerated when theres a 6 foot male there. Funny that.

Yes he did. He was asked not to but still had to say something to the disabled person that OP was irritated by.

No. She wasn't unkind. I am not one sided. I have already said it was a 1 off on DHs part. However I just do not agree with you. Where have you considered OPs feelings? She has to work here FGS. Kids are noisy in general furthermore I personally wouldn't demand anybodys kids in public to be quiet. Would I think it in my head? Yes but to actually voice it. No!

Its you who is UNable to read the full situation here. OP specifically asked her DH not to say ANYTHING...... he ignored this. Why? He could of left? It actually sounds like this isn't about the noise. Sometimes even with your own kids noise can make you snappy if you already feel stressed in general. YOU cant seem to grasp this is a public space.

Exactly lack of respect for OP. Very few posters want to address this part though.

Ha!

I mean, for all we know there were other autistic children or adults also in the cafe, becoming overwhelmed by the loudness of the game but silently masking their internal meltdown.

Whereas in reality they were saying in their heads, Good on you!

Your DH made a perfectly reasonable request. Only in crazy town would he be considered a bad guy. I don't think we need to go through life tiptoeing around anti-social behavior. The child may have have autism, but he'll be happier in life if he can gradually learn to show a little awareness of others.

MN is crazy town these days. Everything is OTT.

Very likely to be, I should think.

where was the mums tolerance for other peoples needs?