AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

Exactly me and my son would have been in that position - I’m fed up of this narrative of the ND should be allowed to express themselves regardless of how it impacts others. It’s this kind of attitude that’s creating so many issues for all ND people.

I would feel mortified if I was the OP - for having a go at her husband the day his best friend died. 😳

I'm with you OP. I'd actually be happy to see a child playing a game over the usual screens you see. I don't think it was appropriate to say something especially in a community café which is supposed to be a welcoming place for all.
You do have my sympathies with what he is going through though and I am pleased you are continuing to do your shift at the café tomorrow.

It sounds like he was appropriately polite (not shouting/being rude or aggressive), combined with everything else going on, I think you are massively over reacting both to DH and the situation of having to go again to the cafe, honestly, generally speaking people have too much going on in their own lives to particularly be that bothered and life moves on!

I think having a go at someone who’s undergoing cancer tests and whose friend has just died that morning is unkind, and OP agrees with this herself, she didn’t intend to have a go at him for this, she made a mistake and has apologised, as has he. If you think putting your grieving husband down when they’re already upset is a good thing then that’s something about your personality that I cannot help. Thankfully OP and her husband have more empathy for eachother than you do.

BEFORE it got to that stage OP did ask her DH not to say anything. Is that the empathy you are talking about? The audacity.

You have so much else going on, just let it go and focus on what you both need to get through this tricky patch.

That doesn’t even make sense. But anyway, they both made mistakes while under stress and grief, they’ve both apologised and are trying to move on, you don’t need to agree with anyone. Let’s leave it there

It does make sense. OP asked her DH not to go over and say anything to the mum and child...... to which he ignored OPs feelings at this point.

My DDs are autistic and would probably have been dysregulated by the noise that this kid was making. You can’t please all of the autistic people all of the time.

Really bad on this thread. It's quite upsetting. My lovely boy is so kind, & thinks the best of people, yet many - if going by this thread- just want him to disappear in case he's an inconvenience.

What did it take for that child to even be in that cafe? What if that was the culmination of a lot of hard work and trying? Would OPs husband have said anything if the child was downs?

You’ve already said this 👍

I think you've missed the part where it was the fact that the child was playing a game and making a lot of noise with the game pieces that prompted OP's DH to say something. In the same way, if your child was making noises hopefully people would recognise and be tolerant; but if you then handed them two metal items to bang together just for fun, that would seem unreasonable.

Also, it's not discrimination for someone to make a polite request to keep the noise down. If you explained that wasn't possible and they then threw you out of the venue, that may well be discriminatory, but that's not what happened here!

And you think the boy ‘enjoying the of the cafe’ entitles him to be loud and disruptive and ruin the experience of all other paying customers? Your sense of entitlement really is off the chart.

This.

My nephew is autistic and cannot handle loud, sudden noises, and the kind of behaviour OP talks about really winds me up.

I totally understand that parenting SEN children is hard. DD has ADHD, I spend a lot of time caring for my nephew. I get it, but FFS, try to manage their behaviour.

If parents are trying and the noise happens anyway, that's understandable and unavoidable, but the ones who either ignore it or encourage it are selfish twats. They have no idea who else in the room has SEN and could be triggered by the noise.

We had to get up and leave in the middle of a meal when we were out this summer with DN after a family with a child with SEN sat behind us and proceeded to ignore him while he intermittently screeched and slammed his hands on the table. For the odd minute they bothered interacting with the child, he quieted down, so it wasn't that they couldn't temper his behaviour; it was that they couldn't be arsed to make the effort and fuck anyone else who was in the room.

Go tomorrow. It's fine.

Never said the child did. However as a parent of a child who is similar, child with son's grow up. We parents of these children don't live forever either. Children with needs and without, still need to learn. What happens when a child is no longer a child and is told at work or in public to please lower the volume and because they have never been taught cannot get a long in the world? SN's children eventually are adults in a world that will not coddle them or allow them to be loud and disruptive in public. Is it fair, no but it's reality. Have a lovely day!

It’s so difficult. I have seen parents like the ones you describe there and they are really failing their children. Even if their child is lucky enough to get a place in a specialised provision, they will still be expected to adhere to boundaries where possible.

I have one pupil whose current vocal stim is a particular song, but another pupil needs to smash up the room when he hears that song! He just cannot tolerate it. So we are teaching about compromise and how to live together in peace. He can sing the song in his head or whisper-sing, or if it needs to be loud he has to go to the outdoor area away from the other boy.

It is not fair to teach SEND children that they can go through life doing exactly as they please.

(of course there is a spectrum and I am not talking about PMLD, highly complex children)

What did your husband do that was so wrong? Nothing! He said excuse me can you be a little quieter, that’s a normal thing to do! Take his side!

First you’re claiming it’s sexism, now ableism, what next? Have you checked whether he was brown so that you can cry racism too?

At the end of the day, it doesn’t matter whether the child was Autistic or not. Plenty of parents of non-Autistic kids let their kids screech around cafes and restaurants and cause a disturbance, which is equally unacceptable. It’s poor parenting.

This

I think if it was a restaurant or adult type establishment but a community cafe with volunteers is surely designed to be very inclusive- more about a safe space for people who need the company/somewhere to go than a perfect dining experience? Should’ve just got dessert somewhere else/take away. I’m with you on this one.

The staff should have realised that other customers were being disturbed by the pair and intervened before a customer was pushed to do so

He was polite. Being nd is not an excuse to disrupt other people’s enjoyment of a public space. Their responsible adult should have been better at managing the situation.