AIBU to feel so absolutely mortified

[DoraSpenlow]

Just need to get this off my chest as I have no-one to talk to.Went for lunch today at our local community cafe. On the table next to us (there were no other tables before anyone says we could have moved) there was a young woman and a boy aged about 12 playing cards. The boy was being very loud. From his behaviour I automatically assumed autism. They finished the game and started another which seemed to involve slamming plastic discs down on the table. I admit it was quite irritating.

I could see DH was getting annoyed and as I went up to the counter to order dessert I whispered that yes it was annoying but please don't say anything. But no, he just had to, and I heard him say, excuse me but do you think you could keep the noise down a little, we can't hear our conversation. My heart sank. The boy ran off and locked himself in the toilet and everyone was looking at DH as if he was the worst man on earth.

He really is the kindest, gentlest man. Always there to help a mum getting a pushchair up steps or to offer an elderly person a steadying arm. In his defence he was not at his.most patient as we have had an awful few days. He has been undergoing tests for prostate cancer, his best friend has been dying and we heard this morning that he had died.

Since being home I have had a real go and he said he was sorry he didn't realise the boy's issue and it was not his intention to upset anyone. He just wanted a nice lunch with his wife after a crap few days and to relax a bit.

I am down to do a voluntary shift at the cafe tomorrow.morning and I just feel too embarrassed to go. Should I cancel?

Where was the need for that ? It was a community cafe. Supposedly welcoming to all, including those parents who find their worlds becoming increasingly smaller because of intolerance to their child's’ disability.

I’m heartfelt sorry for OP’s DH’s loss, and for his own cancer worries. It’s a lot to deal with. But he’s an adult and should have been able to regulate his emotions - if he couldn’t then he should have been the one to leave. None of the judgemental posters here know what level of disability that child had, what the effect of DH’s actions would have been and what knock on difficulties that would have caused for his parents.

Just to clarify.

When I said to DH not to say anything I didn't say anything about possible autism. He went ahead and said something because he thought it was me just not wanting to make a fuss, as usual. To him, the lad just seemed to be getting away with making a lot of noise and because of everything we have going on at the moment he was less tolerant than usual. It is only because I have worked with autistic kids that I thought there was more to it.

He is upset by it all.

Ah well, whilst typing my post a text has come in to say that they don't need me this afternoon after all. Heartbroken.

Stop making this all about you and go comfort your husband. Nothing bad has happened to you.

He did "regulate his emotions". He asked calmly and politely. He did not raise his voice or swear and he had no idea that the boy may have been ND.

Why heartbroken?

Please don’t be heartbroken in front of your husband - he’s got enough to deal with.
Offer to take him to lunch elsewhere.
Personally I wouldn’t set foot in that cafe again if it leaves you feeling like this.
Honestly you’ve made a big fuss, upset yourself and worse upset your poor husband as well.

You are being extremely over dramatic.
It is rare that I am ever ' Team Husband" on here, but I am now. You don't know it was because of this incident.
Heartbroken is a word your DH should be using.

It’s likely the end of OP volunteering there l would think.

Why are you heartbroken that you’re not needed to do the shift today? It’s unlikely to be anything to do with your husband’s request to the boy to play less noisily, is it?

You're heartbroken over not doing a free shift in a cafe, and you wonder why your husband would rather do his own thing than listen to you?

A tad dramatic to say the least.

Op this is all a bit unnecessary. Your DH did nothing wrong and going off your reaction I think it's very likely youve dramatised others reactions in the cafe in your head. Please try to put it out of your mind, its a non event in the scheme of things.

You've lost a friend, you're worried for your husband and yourself, so you've got a lot to deal with. Which, I think, is why you've focused on this cafe incident, because it stopped you thinking about what's really upsetting you.
Please try and let it go now. You may need all your strength for what's ahead, and you will need to be strong and calm for your husband if he needs treatment.
Don't let the volunteering go, it may be a welcome distraction for you. Your dh did nothing wrong so give yourself a shake and hold your head high.

Yes, I'm really wondering now if the OP's version of events with the child were over-dramatised.

Stand by your kind gentle man.
The child is experiencing useless parenting and the mother is the one to blame

Your husband took the correct action and you are grossly overreacting.

Heartbroken over this is very dramatic in the circumstances. And very poor of the cafe so she’s better off out of it

Im wondering what your problem is- OP is clearly feeling sad about the situation. people often use hyperbole to talk about emotions. You are kicking someone who is feeling off. You too much be a charming person to be around...

My opinion is that the OP is a tad dramatic and has kicked her husband who is going through a hard time, because of it.

I don't really care if you don't agree 🤷‍♂️

Are you saying autistic people can’t learn social norms?

OP you've really blown this out of proportion now, no need to feel heartbroken. Forget this "incident" and focus your energies on something else (something positive, to distract you from your very valid worries and upset about the hard time you are having).

There is NOTHING unreasonable about anyone making a polite request for someone to keep noise down. Thats not to say that someone can demand this, or necessarily expect the request to be complied with, but they can certainly ask. If the boy had been having a meltdown or otherwise distressed, your husband's request would have been pointless because asking wouldn't change anything and only add to any distress - but stopping the noisy game was perfectly achievable.

The mother might be feeling the same as your husband - a bit embarrassed. She allowed her son to play with a noisy game, probably having not given much thought to the impact on others. We've all been a bit thoughtless at times, I'm sure.

I can't get over the number of people who seemingly think that ND children (and their parents) should never be criticised and judged. You can be autistic AND unkind/thoughtless/uncaring/selfish/naughty etc. I think it's really worrying that we are putting a group of people on a pedestal - does it not just "other" them even more by suggesting they shouldn't have to try and moderate their behaviours, thereby making them even more socially outcast? Surely we can show grace and tolerance and still ask everyone to cooperate - as far as they can - in ensuring a nice environment for everyone? (So in this case e.g. if the boy was speaking more loudly than the average person due to autism, fair enough we accept that he may not be able to help that, but he can slam his counters on the table at home and not in a cafe).

Another thought for OP (at odds with my suggestion to forget about it, I know!)

Perhaps you can take some positive action from this and chat to the cafe about ideas for some specific sessions for more noisy activities? Maybe mid afternoon, between meals, they could do a few days of "games sessions" and put out some cards and board games etc for an hour or two? A chance for people to play games, maybe even encourage those who would like to play games but have no one to play with at home to come and join in?

Sometimes it's nice to use conflicts as a starting point for thinking about how to improve things!

Hard disagree. The OP was mortified because she knows her community cafe is set up to welcome disabled people, older people, mums with babies and people who make more noise than average. It also probably provided the games or cards they were playing, plus toys for noisy toddlers.

That's why she's mortified and no amount of people telling her it's ok and everyone should speak up and complain is going to make her feel better. She knows, like I do, that community cafes are different than normal cafes and that by asking a clearly disabled child to be quiet, her husband broke the spirit of the community cafe! Not a crime, entirely understandable, but it's a place which welcomes people who can't go elsewhere because people tut and whisper just like on this thread.

I await a deluge of people who regularly go up to dads out with their toddlers screeching away which I see all the time on buses, regular cafes and ask them to keep the noise down. Nope, never seen it. Only tuttting at single women with children. Wonder why. Try going up to a family out with dad in the local Wetherspoons and trying that!

If it's set up for disabled people (or rather people with disabilities), it would've been all the same if he was asked to keep the noise down by someone else with SN, who couldn't handle it either.

And once again... the husbands needs on this particular day just don't matter? As @swqa has said, the boy's game could have had a negative effect on another autistic person who can't handle noise - whose needs take precedence in that scenario?

To be out in public means to learn to deal with polite requests from other people, and to consider the needs of everyone, even in a community cafe.

The husband hadn't realised so the child wasn't "clearly disabled" in everyone's eyes.

Nope, I've never seen anyone telling anyone to keep it down. People who are sensitive to sound usually wear headphones or don't hang out in busy community cafes with kids, babies and lots of noise!

Seems there's all talk about telling off kids in public, but very very rarely is that done by a stranger and I've never seen it done in the numerous public places with very loud children I've been in, it's not the done thing even if we wish we could! It isn't the norm in the UK at all, we don't all parent each other's kids for the fairly obvious reason that if you do that in Wetherspoons with a large family the parents will tell you to f off!

People with sound sensitivities and SN often aren't easily included in these types of places, our local one has evening quieter events or cinemas have events for autistic children, so it is a question of competing needs, but being quiet in a community environment isn't a reasonable expectation.