To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

They are doing what they clearly feels works best for them and their children. I’m a mother of 6 and all children are different, some are much harder work than other children, depending on their personality, sleep needs etc. there are 168 hours in a week and this mother is having her child go to nursery so she gets some kid free time for a tiny fraction of that, a probably tired pregnant mother at that. I work part time and absolutely love my career but should I have not bothered starting my career because I don’t want to do it 24/7 or even 40 hours a week, does that make me bad at my job 🤷🏼‍♀️ am I not allowed to complain about money because I don’t work more hours. Maybe I’ve made a very rational
decision for a decent work life balance and maybe this family have decided to do what works for them rather than being martyrs.

I was pointing out that her reason is sound.

Total non issue. None of your business, and if it bothers you then don’t socialise with her. Case closed.

I don’t think looking after your ONE child is being a martyr, is it?

She does have a husband and grandparents nearby, the grandparents do look after her ds a lot too.

Again, if she could afford it then it would be a none issue.

I would have loved more time with my DC when they were young. My DH was the person working in the home and I worked outside of it. If he’d asked to put them into childcare, I’d have asked him to get a job. They went to toddler groups, did activities and I think it was good for them and us. Getting into debt for childcare when you could do that yourself seems nuts to me

Why though, I feel nursery and myself offer different complimentary things to our toddler, I’ve had a toddler who is happy just to play while I get on with the housework then had a 2 hour nap in the afternoon and slept 7-7. Current toddler is nothing like that and climbs the walls of were not out and about busy,
socialising etc and no naps at all. What is the point spending all day tired and exhausted when a few hours a week at nursery is an option. Its almost like people would just prefer mums to suffer if they’re not lucky enough to have alot of family support around them

But they haven’t got the money 🤷‍♀️

It is nuts and if anyone posted on here that they were doing this a getting into debt they’d be told they were nuts and that it’s unfair on the husband.

But because I’ve posted it about someone else it’s like if you form an opinion about anyone else you are terrible. But if people tell you all their business you are going to form an opinion.

Most people moan about money but still spend it - but not everyone’s priorities are the same. I think it’s fine to put a child in nursery if it’s benefiting them. And yes it is expensive but that’s their choice. Presumably they have to cut back elsewhere and that’s what she is complaining about lack of money for.

Lots of people do, if they can afford it.
It's obviously a bit silly to do it if you can't afford it. A small amount of nursery is indeed good for a child's development if they enjoy it. Your friend is living a lifestyle that is beyond her means though.

2 of mine were under 2 at one time but easier than just 1 of my other toddlers, everyone’s child and circumstances differ. My youngest and oldest are over 20 years apart, there have been times when I’ve lived somewhere where there were loads of toddler groups, friends also at home with their own little ones and we’ve had a great time without the need of any childcare just doing play dates,
groups etc but other times childcare has been a real sanity saver and well worth every penny even though we didn’t have much , a bit of childcare to get some extra rest during pregnancy was definitely appreciated.

They can’t afford it, they are missing other essential bills and running up debt.

How many times do I have to say it.

It isn’t really your business except if she keeps moaning about debt then I think it would be ok to ask ‘have you considered cutting DC’s nursery days down - how much would it save you’ @Bfgirl101 but you might get a frosty reaction.

I know toddlers can be hard work. I think most parents know what it can be like.

But would you run up debt and skip bills to pay for nursery if you were not working?

I’m glad my DH didn’t say the same when I felt we needed a bit of childcare, he just wants us all to be ok and happy while he focusses on his job, not having to worry about me being tired and stressed. In fact it worked in all our favours as when my dream job came up I actually ended up going back to work, something I would of never considered going for if our little one hadn't
already been happily settled into childcare,
I probably wouldn’t have even had the headspace to think of starting something new like that if hadn’t been getting that few hours break a week. It meant I picked up my career again without too many years out and am now earning the same as if I hadn’t taken any break and the kids are at school/nursery (funded hours) and so we’re financially much better off than if I’d just only been able to pick up some minimum wage job once the kids were at school

You don't sound like you like your 'friend' very much OP. Time to call it a day or distance yourself I think.

It's not just spending money badly though - they're actively getting themselves into debt. Savings have been wiped out.

It's irresponsible!

If it was a SAHD he’d be getting called a cock lodger.

Of course he would.

Imagine if a a poster that her husband was a sahd, they only had her income and they were going into debt to pay for nursery while he’s at home. Then to top it off she had to do the nursery run before and after work so he could sleep, she had to sort the child before work, she had to do the food shop with the child in tow.

It doesn’t seem to be any of your business?

Potentially if felt best for our family, no one seems to have a problem with many mums being plied with pills to help them cope and probably wouldn't have a problem a family getting into debt to pay for them if needed too. People get into debt to pay for their kids uni etc. So here is a mother doing something she feels helps her child’s development and probably helps her get a good balance too. I would just trust her she’s just doing the best with what she’s got. IMO much better to do that than let herself get exhausted and depressed and she’s possibly giving the child opportunities they wouldn’t have not going to nursery

There is obviously a reason why nursery is so important to them. They clearly know they’re spending too much but can’t / won’t stop.

The reason I think YABU is because it’s just not your problem to fix. If they want to get into debt or be irresponsible with money, let them. Your opinion won’t help them if they have their reasons, and you’re the one letting it cause a problem in your friendship when she just wants to have a moan about finances and you’re judging her.

Exactly

I would just want to know my child and DH were happy and if a few hours at nursery provided that I would be quite happy. I’ve seen people turn to much less healthier strategies to cope with life and parenting than sending their child to what I assume is a good nursery for a few hours a week. Maybe she should start secretly downing a bottle
of wine a night, probably wreck her developing baby’s life but then you wouldn’t know where their money is secretly going

You may still be eligible for 30 free hours of childcare in the UK even if you are not currently working, provided your partner is working and you meet specific leave or benefit conditions.

Qualifying Criteria
You can satisfy the employment criteria if your partner is working and you fall into one of these categories:

• Carer’s Leave: You are currently taking official carer's leave from employment.
• Incapacity Benefit: You receive this long-term sickness benefit.
• Severe Disablement Allowance: You receive this allowance for long-term illness or disability.
• Carer’s Allowance: You receive the primary carer benefit (paid at £86.45 per week).
• Limited Capability for Work Benefit: You receive related incapacity support.
• Contribution-based Employment and Support Allowance (ESA): You receive this health-related benefit. 1, 2]

And of course 15 free house regardless of anyone working or not.