To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

Well, I’d find it insane if they were swimming in money and still opted for nursery when she’s not working but that’s just me!

The replies here are wild! Obviously it’s unreasonable and totally unfair on her husband. She is getting them into debt instead of just caring for her own kids. It’s maybe one of those situations where she needs a dose of reality. Her toddler’s well being would be better served by having financial security and not being at risk of homelessness if his parents keep not paying bills.

OP I really feel your pain
Listening to people moan about how skint they are is very very tiresome
My sister always does it to me because she thinks we are rich
We just worked a lot to pay a mortgage
I worked every weekend when DC were little
When I pointed out to her about getting a weekend job or going on less holidays or looking at remortgaging as they were on a stupid rate I was always shot down
Interestingly she never moans to my brother about being skint and apparently he earns way more than my DH!
I used to believe people when they complained about being skint and was always trying to help them out until I realised its all nonsense when they then go skiing
I would distance yourself from her, she seems a bit of a CF too letting you pay for her

Unless she's asking you to pay for it then it's her problem and not for you to worry about.
The most I would say to her if she moaned to me about money is yes, you are skint because you are choosing to put X in nursery when you don't need to. It's either worth it to you or it's not.

Frankly, it’s none of your business and saying something would only harm your relationship.

Since they can’t afford it then you’re not unreasonable.
If they can afford it I’d say it’s good that the 2.5 year old goes for 2 Days per week .
That age is completely full on and if there are no grandparents to give her a break then it’s the only way she’ll get some rest while pregnant .
However I’ve never sent my babies to nursery or any childcare , I just looked after them myself without help .
in her situation I’d not be sending the baby to nursery unless she’s going back to work
when mine were 3 they had 2 half days at a playgroup

I just wondered if you had inside information about how happy the son was in nursery.

It's the wanting to say something that swings it. They've decided it's what's best, doesn't matter if you don't agree.

Because it says so in the OP's post. Second before last paragraph - her friend says DS loves it there and it's for his development, so she doesn't want him to leave.

Yes the friend who is skint.

Do they owe you money?

First, not your business. Second, even if they are struggling, they are sacrificing because they believe it’s best for their children.

Op sometimes it’s whatever tick boxes people have in their heads for their kids. Maybe she doesn’t think her child will be socialised, maybe she just doesn’t think she can cope! She knows, in fact potentially they’re already arguing about this

Where is she calling the OP a liar?

This is just loads of assumptions on your part. Can't pay some bills doesn't mean risking losing the house or court proceedings. Massive leaps you're making there.

Which bills has she told you they're not paying, specifically?

She didn’t say “you’re a liar” but she said we’ve only got my word that my friend is broke and that I’m try I’m to convince everyone to agree with me.

What's the point of joining in a thread if you’re going to insinuate that my friend isn’t really broke?

“Asking stuff like “isn’t that going to be really expensive to have two in nursery at the same time? However, are you going to afford it?” is a reasonable conversation to have with a friend. And I think it’s within the realms of friendly conversation to suggest “as you’ll have a bit of time with the kids in nursery you could probably get a little job?”“

So so so depends on tbe tone. In one tone/context, it could be a conversation/discussion coming from a place of interest and concern. With a different tone and context, tbe questioner could sound like a supercilious judgmental cnt.

I suspect she’s making the fairly valid point that you don’t actually know whether or not she’s broke (absent having sight of her family unit finances). Hardly calling you a liar.

She seems to think that the nursery is all for her toddlers development and because he has friends there.

Well she’s right, isn’t she? I used to clean other people’s houses to pay for my kid’s playgroup.

I don’t want to go into that specifically because if she did see this thread, she would 100% know it was about her based on that.

But they are in quite a precarious situation with a few things money wise, where they’ve broken rules and ignored things that are going to eventually catch up.

But I do know, because she’s told us.

Tbh I don’t really understand why people are arguing over whether she’s broke or not.

My friend has told me in no uncertain terms that their outgoings exceed their income and they are in debt.

I’ve said this several times.

Well I’m not sure how that’s the same thing. You’ve just said you were working to pay for it.

She is not working and hasn’t got the money.

You're not wrong for thinking its a bit nuts to get yourself in to debt for but you cant say anything. Well, depends how close you are... if my best friend was moaning to me constantly and wanting coffees paid for id probably highlight that nursery isnt a need its a want 🤷‍♀️ if anything about this situation she just needs to quit whinging.

I can’t understand this at all. She can’t afford it so she shouldn’t be paying for it. I agree with you