To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

That's not true. you can still get 30hrs tax payer funded childcare, if only 1 parent is working, depending how much that parent earns.

Yes it is.
(at least for England).
Two parents (married/living together as married) have to both be working a minimum of 30 hours a week to get subsided childcare from age 9 months.
There are some circumstances where if one parent has a disability or illness then they may get some childcare but the standard is if one parent has chosen to be a SAHP then they will not get the funding.

Only in certain circumstances (ie very low income).

I know lots of people think that. But it 100% isn't the case. Not sure what else to say so will leave it here.

Why would you get free childcare for a 0-3 year old if only one parent is working?

3 year olds get 15 hours, bumped up to 30 for working parents, but under 3s don’t unless their parents meet certain criteria.

Can you post some evidence of this?

Our friends and family are meant to be rude if it gives us perspective on stuff they are getting carried away with. I think you are definitely allowed to ask pointed questions without directly criticising her parenting choices.

Asking stuff like “isn’t that going to be really expensive to have two in nursery at the same time? However, are you going to afford it?” is a reasonable conversation to have with a friend. And I think it’s within the realms of friendly conversation to suggest “as you’ll have a bit of time with the kids in nursery you could probably get a little job?”

She might come back a little defensive and suggest you’re judging her. Own it. Explain you’re not judging her for using a nursery or not working but that you are worried for her because given what she’s told you about struggling financially two children in nursery sounds like it could be more than they can afford.

That said, maybe the they actually can afford it- everyone is moaning about having no money at the moment, even when they have lots.

Friends of mine held a few decorating parties for their nice new house. It’s a much nicer house than mine but mine’s completely paid off and I think theirs is on some mortgage and needed modernisation- so swings and roundabouts. They had been bemoaning having no money. They were doing a lot of refurb on the house themselves and everyone wanted to help them out.

So we all turned up to chip-in with painting; bringing donations of equipment and paint. At the end of a long weekend painting we were all tucking into pizza (which I’d paid for) talking about school catchment areas. The assumption was that they had moved to the new house to be in the catchment area of the ‘outstanding’ local state schools which some of us had children attending. Mrs friend laughed and said that the “outstanding” ofstead ratings didn’t mean anything and that their two preschool children were already on the list for [name of expensive private school] a couple of miles away.

That was the last weekend I helped them with the decorating, and I believe the six or so others helping that evening also faded away. I’ve no issue with people sending their children to private school, but they’ve no business claiming poverty to the degree of asking friends to decorate for them for free and accepting donations. In fact, I’ve only seen them once since then, and she was keen to tell me how it is financially really REALLY difficult for them now the first one has started school and “libour” have put VAT on school fees. I smiled, nodded, made vague promises to catch up and watched her walk across the car park and climb into a new BMW suv. Maybe they are in debt up to their eyeballs, I don’t know, but people can definitely give conflicting information about their financial standing in life.

@Duncantoldme2 apologies I was wrong... it's 16 hours not 30.
But it is correct that unless there's special circumstances then BOTH parents need to be working.
Image from Google - details provided by gov.uk.

I have just posted a screenshot that clearly shows both parents must be working.

This is why childcare funding should be a payment to the mother, whether she works outside the home or not, to make her own childcare arrangements. That it doesn't reveals the real purpose of these childcare payments: to get women out at work as quickly as possible and allow someone else to profit from rearing their children. Bad idea.
When I had small DC I sent one, aged 3, to playschool every morning and the second to playschool several times a week. I was at home and used that time for myself. Admittedly it did not cost £600 a month but I did consider it great value both for the children and for me. I don't see anything wrong in being at home and putting one's children in nursery part-time if one wishes.

No I wasn’t asking you I was asking @Duncantoldme2

I agree with you, parents only get free childcare if both are working.

Which is wrong.

Yes.... I shared it for @Duncantoldme2 to see.
🙂

Why?

Of course childcare payments are to get women/parents back to work.

Parents aren’t getting tax payer funded childcare so that parents can have a break or because 1 and 2 year olds ‘need’ to go to nursery.

Historically pre school/nursery always started in the September after the child’s 3rd birthday, and was exactly what it said on the tin - pre school.

Anything before that was for the purpose of childcare.

It seems to be a very recent idea that babies and young toddlers need to go to nursery for their development.

Who says she's not paying mortgage / rent, utilities, buying food? Her friend who wants us all to agree that it's ridiculous says that they're 'broke' and 'worried'. I know loads of people with young expanding families who are broke and worried, but they're still paying their bills.

Also, a toddler group, where you stay with your toddler, might not be what this pregnant mum is looking for. Are you suggesting she should be doing this when she's 8 or 9 months pregnant, or with a 2 week old new born? Is she not allowed any rest at all in your world? THAT'S ridiculous.

@ProudCat she told the OP they are in debt and can't pay some bills.
(I mean that could be Netflix/Amazon Prime/Hello Fresh.....but surely they would cancel those 🤔)

Whats the point of replying to a thread if you’re basically going to call the op a liar 🤷‍♀️

Whilst pregnant it gave much needed respite and after the birth of my second child it gave precious 1:1 time with the newborn .

She has a husband and family if she needs a rest.
Yes rest is important. But being in debt is not going to help someone rest in a mental health way.
I took my daughter to free/cheap stay and plays groups.
The mums/carers sat at the side drinking tea, eating biscuits and gossiping while the play leaders played and did activities with the children.
Whenever a new baby came along we took turns holding the baby.

Social , learning and development. Mum might be tired / bored to death / depressed.
About 100 reasons.

Did you go into debt though?

She has told me that their outgoings exceed their income.

They have only got her husbands income, have spent all their savings and are now in a position where they’re avoiding paying certain bills.

Yes but if you cannot AFFORD it you cannot afford it.

I must have said over 10 times on this thread that she is struggling for money.

If it wasn’t for the fact that they are broke then there would b no thread as it would be a non issue.