To think that this is a ridiculous arrangement?

[Bfgirl101]

I have a friend and I’m really struggling not to say something.

She is married with a 2.5 year old child. She’s also pregnant with her second.

Her dh works full time but she doesn’t work at the moment, which is fair enough, she has a small child.

But, her toddler has been in nursery 2.5 days a week since he was 1. It’s costing them an absolute fortune and she fully intends to put baby number 2 into nursery too.

She is constantly telling me how broke they are and worrying about money but she sees the nursery as essential because apparently her ds loves it there and it’s all for his development.

Aibu to think that this is a crazy arrangement and find it hard not to say something?

YABVU. Why on Earth are you wanting your supposed friend to be ripped apart by strangers here? You’re no friend at all to her.

That’s a fair enough way to see it.

I think I just see it different but I do take on board what you are saying.

The 15 hours is for 3 year olds and none of that applies to her.

So no specifics. We've gone from broke and worried to absolutely being on a cliff edge, flouting rules and ignoring things. It just interests me that your friend's financial situation gets worse and worse the more people vote YABU.

Literally, this has nothing to do with you, absolutely nothing. You think your friend is ridiculous, they plainly don't agree with you. In 6 months time their kid will get the free hours to cover the money they're currently spending and the next one won't be ready for nursery until some time after that. Debt is one way of juggling finance, just ask anyone with a loan or credit card.

No one here has any idea whether they had to take the decision to put their kid into that particular nursery early to secure their place for when he is 3. Similarly, we don't know whether she has any family support. We don't know whether she had post natal difficulties. We don't know what hours her husband works, whether they're excessively long and mum needs the time so she can hang out with some actual adults. We don't know whether she's studying or doing something else on those days. I mean the list of variables is endless.

But what we do know is that you're oddly overly invested in proving that your friend's domestic situation is 'ridiculous'. Why do you care so much? Why is it getting under your skin that she's a SAHP and her kid goes to nursery? It just doesn't make sense. You don't even seem remotely empathetic.

You see, oftentimes, when someone makes a big fuss about another person's behaviour, particularly when they're attempting to persuade or invite judgement, it tends to say more about them than the actual 'problem' they're trying to get everyone else to discuss.

So yeah, it's none of your business, and it's certainly not the business of a bunch of strangers on the internet. Live your own life. Stop trying to get other people to live the life you think they should be living.

I’ve given more information in response to questions that people have asked, that’s all.

You can believe or not believe, they are in a big mess financially, I’m not making anything up. I’ve got no reason to make things up.

The thread has not been a unanimous yabu by any means. Lots of people have voted yanbu and lots of posters have agreed. So I’m not sure why you are painting it that everyone disagrees.

I have said repeatedly that the reason I’m getting fed up with her is because she is telling me and others everything. Therefore I’ve formed an opinion based on what she is telling me.

Yes friends are entitled to have a moan, but people will also eventually get fed up f you keep complaining about the same thing every time you meet but are unwilling to change anything.

Oh and to add, I have answered all the questions about her husband and wider family. I’ve answered all the question's that people have asked.

I know her well, obviously if she was studying or her husband was working l on hours or away wouldn’t be saying it. But I’ve already explained about all of that.

People keep saying it’s none of my business but how much and for how long is a friend expected to listen to the same problems before you get fed up of it if the person is unwilling to change anything.

Her problems are unlikely to end because she’s having another baby and is indenting to do the same again but is not going to look for work.

£600 would pay for 4 mornings a week at our local nursery, so that’s 16 hours off out of a 168 hour week and while pregnant too but she’s perceived as a super slacker 🤷🏼‍♀️ honestly people are hard on mothers 😔

It’s 2.5 days a week.

You just have to trust its what they need, unless you know if any other options, where I live we’re still lucky enough to have some of the traditional playgroups which offer 9-12/12-3pm term time sessions, they tend to be about half the price of the private day nurseries and and are usually run by a staff/parents charitable committee. We also have children’s centres too that do some brilliant stay and play groups, does she know about these? Perhaps there are other areas of their life they can save money you could help with e.g does she know how to cook, batch cooking, is she getting the best deals on utilities etc

She sounds annoying. I would totally say something to one of my best friends in that situation if they were moaning about finances but not being reflective on the situation , but I’m quite blunt and we’re pretty open with each other 😆
I think it’s probably something she should hear to be honest.. there’s lots of other free (or very cheap) things that she could take her children to, to help with their development, and not be getting them more and more into debt. However, if she’s using nursery to help herself out with less childcare burden, which is fair enough .. then she needs to accept it’s a financial hit that is to help her, and to stop moaning about it, as it comes across as not very self aware!

I think you’re being incredibly judgmental here. It’s entirely possible that your friend is dealing with depression or another mental health issue that she hasn’t disclosed to you. Yes, on the surface, the childcare could be easily solved by simply not paying for it but that childcare may currently be a lifeline for her. She’s pregnant, has a toddler to look after and presumably has a lot going on mentally and physically. Having help available, even if it means making financial sacrifices, can make a huge difference. In the grand scheme of things, 2.5 days of nursery really isn’t an enormous amount of time.

What I find particularly strange, though, is that you describe her as a good friend while simultaneously coming onto an online forum to criticise and essentially bash her. Your original post makes it very clear that you disapprove of her decision to spend so much on childcare while going into debt, and that you feel sorry for her husband because he apparently does the majority of the household chores and takes their toddler to nursery.

You’re absolutely entitled to your opinion, but if this situation is bothering you to this extent, perhaps you need to reconsider the friendship. Just as you say she could simply stop paying for the childcare, you could also simply stop being her friend. What seems unfair is continuing to call someone a good friend while publicly judging and criticising their personal circumstances behind their back.

And lastly, you speak about her “poor” husband as though he has absolutely no say in any of this. Do you genuinely think they haven’t discussed their finances, childcare arrangements and division of responsibilities between themselves? He is an adult and presumably capable of making his own decisions about what he is and isn’t willing to do.

You don’t know what is happening behind closed doors, and there may be far more to this situation than you’re aware of. A little empathy would probably go a lot further than assuming you know what is best for someone else’s family.

It's not really your issue though, is it

Say it as many times as you want - but

1. stop being so judgmental
2. not your circus, not your monkeys

And that is your problem how?

It's quite sad her dc is in nursery when she isn't working. When her dc is older he will need nursery for social reasons but at 2.5yrs, he shouldn't be in this much for no reason. She sounds a bit lazy. Some people have children but can't really be bothered looking after them.

And what did your 'friend' say when you asked her to cut down on the moaning about her finances as it was irritating you give she was (in your view) getting herself into unnecessary feet by paying for childcare? Or do just slag her off behind her back and not, you know, have a proper conversation with her?

I was main wage earner, my DH went to work P/T so that we could afford to send our DS to nursery. He also went during school holidays (we were both teachers). Our DS was an only child and we were older (40’s and 50’s) so we wanted him to have lots of time with other kids and younger adults. The nursery had the most amazing indoor and outdoor playgrounds and the staff were wonderful. They had a timetable of activities as well as free play. My DS developed quickly in terms of feeding himself, speech and potty training because he saw the other kids do these things. He loved going. I loved looking after him and doing activities with him when he wasn’t at nursery but I couldn’t have provided him with all the fun and learning he had with other kids.

It's their business I guess. I wish you would stop constantly saying 'she doesn't work'. She DOES work & very hard. She is a SAHP. She does a valuable UNPAID fulltime role. Someone would need to care for their small child if they both worked. She is doing this job while her children are young & while she is currently pregnant.

I hear you op. It's frustrating when someone moans constantly but won't do any of the logical things to change their situation.

With regards to the sahp/child care set up I think some people are just not lifes copers. I've come across people like this a few times as an adult. They haven't in all cases been parents, on was a mature student on a part time course who lived rent free with her in laws. Some people just seem to have a really low tolerance for stress/adversity. I'm not sure why. All the people I've known with this type of personality have been unable to hold down regular jobs, so that may actually be why she's a sahm?

I know someone who did similar many years ago and they ended up bankrupt and lost their house.
Its not really your business but next time your friend brings it up perhaps speak to her then but in a supportive way to try and make her see some home truths. If they're broke maybe she could get a part time job on the nursery days. But that said dont you get loads of free childcare these days?

My sister did the same thing only put them in full time. We don't live in the UK so a lot of the fees were funded. She became a SAHM after her first, all in nursery by their first birthday, 9am to 5pm five days a week. I did not agree with it.

Plenty of parents do!

But do they get into debt over it and not be able to pay bills?
Because really.... that's just nuts.

I do feel quite sorry for her husband yes tbh, I don’t know how much say he does get. He’s mates with some of the other husbands/partners and I know he’s at breaking point.

He wants her to look for part time work, he is feeling the strain of being the only one bringing in an income and there are others things going on. Such as when their ds is sick he has to take days off work even though she is at home, because she says it’s too much for her on her own. He has to pick up their ds from nursery and go shopping then go home and cook and she will stay out, he’s had to take their ds to work on occasions which is crazy and dangerous given the job he does.

I know people will say she’s obviously not coping but neither is he and yet they’re having another which she is also planning to put into nursery.

I can see how as a working parent, especially if your children are too old to have benefitted from the expanded taxpayer childcare subsidy, this would be annoying. However I’d say that your issue isn’t anything to do with nursery, it’s that she’s moaning to you about finances while engaged in what you see as high levels of non-essential spending. It’s no different really than if they were spending £600 a month on take aways, golf club fees, cycling events or massages/hair/ nails. I think if you’ve already suggested reducing the spending on nursery and she’s still trying to discuss it with you the best way forward is to either just say “Yes it’ll be a big weight off when X gets the 15 free hours” or “Citizens Advice/ Money Saving Expert etc. are really good for debt advice” on repeat and politely refuse to get into any further discussion.

I’m SAHP to a one year old and a two (nearly three) year old and from the playgroups classes etc. I go to I think it’s not uncommon for SAHP to send their one or two year olds to nursery a couple of days a week, I’m in my forties and my Mum did the same for me! If anything, some people seemed surprised that we are waiting until my eldest gets the fifteen hours even though we could afford to start earlier.