AIBU- Stuffed Toy in the office.

[2021x]

I work in a newly formed team in an office. We have our team admin who I am going to guess is at least 26-28 y.o. woman.

We did one of those "professional" corporate team-building tests, and she seemed really confronted by some of the feedback she got. Since then, she has started acting more childlike and dependent and constantly seeking feedback on things she clearly can handle herself.

Today, however, she started walking around the office with a stuffed toy. She brought the toy-a crocheted horse- into the meetings and had it on her lap, with the head poking onto the table while she was typing, and was hugging it to her body when walking back from meeting rooms like a child and talking to other team members.

She is getting married this year and has said she just wants to elope, as the cost and managing all the preparations are stressful, and she is dreading it because she will be the centre of attention. She is clearly very sensitive and going through a very tough time (none of her family lives here), but AIBU that this is a step too far, or am I just getting a bit too old/grumpy and should mind my own business as she isn't harming anyone?

Of course it’s weird. I don’t think anyone would say it was standard behaviour.

But it’s so far out of the norm that if I saw it, I would be concerned. I wouldn’t think “urgh Jane and her annoying horse” I’d think “is Jane’s manager doing anything about her apparent breakdown”.

What does an adult act like?

Well it’s quite a broad question but they don’t generally cuddle toys in the office or talk in a baby voice. If she was throwing herself on the floor in a tantrum OP would also - rightly - be raising a concern.

You could probably say to her maybe leave your horse on your desk if you are wandering round the office.

Do you think it is normal for an adult to walk around an office and cuddle a soft toy?

Very, very strange. Personally, I think it is a step too far for her to take it with her to meetings etc. By all means, she can keep it on the desk and leave it there. Speak to your manager and explain how you find it distracting and that you are worried about her mental health.

Cuddly toys do not look professional at all. What next - dummies for comfort?!

Excellent post.

This ridiculous behaviour would wind me right up.

Baby voice and teddy bears in a professional setting? Fuck off.

Yup... I don't know if our manager would recognise it..

Maybe thats the problem I don't have faith in the management to handle it.

So did someone take her away for a private chat about it if she was clearly distressed?
it seems very weird just to hand them out and let people sink or swim! Her manager, or someone sympathetic needs to step in here and have a friendly chat with the poor girl. especially if there is a chance that she has misunderstood something.
Also, how do you know it didn't say anything bad?

I actually don't know, but considering that meeting was on Tuesday, and this was her behaviour today, if they did it, it didn't work.

But you keep saying "normal" yes it is unusual no i don't think she should be using a baby voice to get help, but that sort of behaviour must come from somewhere, whether she has a mental health issue or anxiety maybe neurodiverse and this is who she is, if you really think she is acting inappropriately and it is affecting her work then you need to speak to someone about it.

Is it the height of professionalism? No
Does she sound like a tricky colleague to work with? Yes
Does it justify formal intervention such as performance improvement plan or work adjustments? Honestly, probably not.

Anyone who works in an office environment- or probably any environment to be fair - has worked with colleagues who fall into this category: odd, don't quite fit in, hard work at the water cooler, but fundamentally do the job well enough that you have to make it work. It's just a part of life, everyone needs a job.

These kind of "personality test" type team activities are notoriously unreliable and generally based on absolute quack science. It's a shame your office has fallen for one, and handled it in such a way that it has caused a crisis of confidence in a team member who appears to be struggling.

I agree it is odd to carry a cuddly toy to meetings, and I can see why it's distracting even if it isn't directly affecting you. That being said, people (including grown adults) find coping strategies that can seem very odd to those who would never choose that solution, and it doesn't mean there is anything objectively wrong.

To the extent that her actions are affecting you (i.e. her constantly needing support or reassurance on tasks that are well within her remit) you could raise with your line manager and suggest she may need additional training or support. It's not your problem to solve, but you can raise concerns that she seems to be struggling. To the extent that it's odd or annoying to your eyes but doesn't actually affect your work, I think you'll have to learn to let it go.

This is very outing thread, given the level of very specific details.

I am confused about your point.

I don't think an adult demonstrating childlike behaviour in a professional setting is normal in any way.

What has confused me is why it was tolerated, and it made me question whether I am out of touch in some way.

UbiquitousPistachio
I totally agree with you. Particularly the baby voice.
I would not know how to deal with that, and i've dealt with some very challenging people.

This. Does your workplace have an occupational health nurse she could have a chat with? I found mine brilliant when I was having problems at work. Unlike HR they are there to support you, not the company.

So this has been going on for.... one day?

And nobody asked of the girl was OK?

this is a management issue. whatever it said in those results, and you said it wasn't othibg bad, so seemingly everyone saw each others? it's thrown her confidence. instead of people showing concern they're just annoyed at her for not coping. management you said won't recognise it, but also no one cares enough to flag it to them. I'm not sure how happy is being working somewhere where my issues are seen as just an annoying thing to be ignored.

You are not wrong I will delete, I have got some good insight.

It was just bashing around in my head and I needed to know I was completely crazy in noticing it.

Reminds me of the bloke in Brideshead walking around with a bear - Aloysius. (Showing my age)

I think this really depends on the type of org you’re in and how much service she has.

My employer is honestly pretty ruthless - if she was under unfair dismissal service length and hadn’t disclosed anything like ND she would be out.

I take it you aren’t her manager. So I would think about who is, what your relationship with manager is and what impact it has on you:getting work done and so how best to approach with them. I would focus on specific impacts rather than complaints on weirdness.

As an aside I have come across people being upset by MB type reports and I’ve typically said “this isn’t a medical report, it isn’t definitive results from blood work, it’s just responding to how you answered a suite of questions on a particular day. If you find it helpful, great, if you don’t then put it aside”. Tbh a lot of the benefits of these things is understanding the styles of others so you can present info to them/work with then in a way that works for them, rather than just personal reflection.

This is the outcome of people being encouraged to “take their whole selves to work.”

No one should be doing that. Take your adult professional self to work, behave appropriately, deal with your issues away from work. It’s an office ffs not a preschoolers play date. Her manager needs to have a word about expectations and if she can’t meet them she should find a more suitable role elsewhere.

I'd be looking to manage her out. Weird is one thing, weird and underperforming is another.

focus on the stuff that is actually problematic from a delivery or team effectiveness perspective.

eg - interrupting team members (the babyish voice would irritate me but it's nor directly relevant).

unless she is client-facing or having to broker strategic internal or external relationships, the horse and the voice are weird and impact her reputation but not necessarily her ability to deliver.

if you stay factual and focused on impact then you are less likely inadvertently to be bullying, or percevied as bullying.

Thats the tricky thing. We have all provided her with reassurance, showed her our results, and what we think of them. Demonstrated that it's just a jumping-off point for a conversation, and we don't take it too seriously ourselves- but none of it has changed anything.

She is a woman, not a girl, which is my point. And the more we interact with her, the more reassurance she needs.