To expect the school to do something?

[Itsjjustoomuch]

My DD is in a very bitchy Year 6, doesn’t really have friends at school (has good friends out of school). I let her join a group chat to help her integrate a bit more after a couple of the girls started including her (there’s a lot of ignoring/ freezing kids out of friendship groups). I was monitoring this chat and came across an exchange where one kid wanted my DD off the chat and if she wasn’t removed ‘he would kill her’ (My DD) then her supposed friend laughed (emoji) and wanted to know how he’d kill her, he then responded by saying he’d target her at school the next day.

I went to the teacher and head with a screen capture of this and other accounts of bullying and all I got was a lot of sympathy. They said they’d chat with the kids parents and that’s it. My DD still has to share a class with these kids and there’s been little consequence regarding this behaviour.

AIBU to expect the school to do something tangible about this? Especially considering the language used.

Sounds awful OP

Can't you look into switching schools for her if she has no friends there

What specific and tangible thing do you want them to do?

How was she even in the chat if you oversee it?

Schools (rightly) are saying deal with online stuff out of school via the police. School don't have time to deal with crap parenting.

Report the in school stuff to the school.

Thanks- yeah, just heartbreaking to see her deal with it.
Looking into it this week for her. But I would like to see bullying addressed for a change.

Have you reported the non WhatsApp bullying?

I didn't leave her to it. She begged to be added once a couple of the girls started including her. I said yes on the condition that I could see the chat. That's how I caught this. A child who's frozen out all day was desperate to be part of something, and I thought supervised access was better than saying no and watching her be left out even more.
I also don't think "it happened on online" lets the school off. The threat was to "target her at school the next day", so it's about what happens in their building. And I didn't only take the screenshot in. I took other accounts of bullying too, so this isn't a one-off.
I'm not asking for the moon. I'd like it logged formally under their anti-bullying and safeguarding policies, the DSL involved, an actual investigation rather than "we'll have a word with the parents", and a written outcome. A child saying he'll kill another child and then following it up with a discussion on how and that he’d target her the next day shouldnt be ignored as we didn’t hear it on the school grounds.
I am looking at other schools, but she shouldn't have to move because the school won't act.
It’s so interesting that a lot of replies are not really bothered about the actual bullying.

Before secondary my ds only had phone calls with his friends (my phone).

Starting secondary the principal made it very clear to ALL parents that they were dedicated to help children IN school and they asked parents to NOT let children join groups (doesn't matter if it's WhatsApp or whatever your daughter was using) because they spend a ridiculous amount of time having to sort out conflicts that take place out of school in school because of group chats.

I let my ds have a WhatsApp group with 3 boys that I met and whose parents I met so that if anything would go amiss we as parents would dissolve their group immediately. They use it for gaming and jokes and they are aware that all parents are monitoring the chat for signs of inappropriate stuff/bullying. No problem.

It's not fair to expect the school to sort out conflicts and drama that parents enable at home. That's the parents job. What happens in school the school will deal with. You shouldn't let your daughter be in a group chat unless you know the kids and the parents. And before secondary she def shouldn't be on it. You can't expect the school to deal with bullying that you have enabled by letting your daughter take part in these chats. She's too young.

The school can't act. It's not on their watch so to speak. They've spoken to the parents but there's no way they'll put in a consequence for it. Email in with your expectations if you want but they can't act more.

What would an investigation unearth? The school already know what was said.

What would a written outcome be? "we spoke to the parents"

You're evading the question about the stuff in school. The bullying in school is obviously not acceptable. You exposed your DD to it out of school.

On "it's outside school so it's not their job": most anti-bullying policies and national guidance expect schools to deal with online behaviour that spills into school, and this clearly has. They don't have to police the app, but they do have to act on the bullying in their building. Surely ensuring some sort of extraction from her class or something isn’t over the top and sends a message that you can’t bully people without a consequence- I have also had numerous meetings about the “in school” bullying.
On the app, it was a short-lived thing on a monitored family iPad in a shared space. She'd been frozen out for months, was thrilled to be included and begged to be on it. I made a judgement call and supervised it, which is how I caught this. Taking the app away doesn't stop what happens in the classroom. She sits with these children every day.
Police are still an option and my husband wants to go that way, but I'd like the school to do its job first. Not wanting to move her this close to secondary doesn't make my expectations unreasonable.

So focus on the in school bullying.

The school aren't dealing with that properly in your opinion so time to get tough on that. Don't focus on this incident. Instead look at the schools complaint policy and go down that route about the in school stuff and lack of action.

School won't extract a child from class for something on WhatsApp that happened outside of school.

It isn’t the schools job to keep your child safe online. It is their job to educate children on online safety, what to do if something happens online that they aren’t comfortable with and who to go to for help. They also cannot tell you what happened when they spoke to the other parents or what is agreed going forward. Now they know, they can go forward and monitor things in school BUT if your daughter still feels unsafe then you can ask the school to offer her more support around this. If you put the emphasis on supporting your own child instead of asking for the suspension of others, you might find the school is more proactive.
Cyber bullying is never ok but kids are a lot braver online than they are in person. Year 6 is a tough year, big fish in little ponds, next year and its opportunities to make new friends will be much better for her - remind her of this. Also, if year 6 ‘friends’ are horrible, other year groups can offer relief - is there someone she gets on with in year 4 or 5? If not, maybe she could help at break times with the KS1 children so she gets a break from her own class.

It seems that it’s being missed that the threat related to harming her at school the next day. That, if nothing else puts it within the school’s responsibility to address, at least at that level.

I’m sorry you’re getting such harsh responses here OP, this must be really upsetting for your daughter and you and I can see why you’re seeking more support.

I’m surprised by the number of posters who wouldn’t bother telling their childs school that another pupil intended to physically harm their child at school. How sad they don’t want to protect their own child.

Of course schools should take action when certain things happen outside school, do posters also want schools to ignore child abuse and neglect from parents, or threats of sexual violence from other pupils?

I agree. There seem to be a few posters somewhat enjoying pretending they’re perfect parents, also.

OP has evidence of death threats on school grounds, that should absolutely be taken seriously, regardless of the likelihood of anything happening.

Nowhere does it say I wouldn't tell the school. The schools actions need to keep my child safe and forewarned is forearmed. The school have spoken to the parents about the threats,so there has been some action. It's not like they've done nothing.

Ex teacher.

there’s death threats and death threats.

a 10 year old saying “I’m going to kill you” is not a serious death threat. The child doesn’t have access to any means to making this happen and it is more than likely an expression of their internal emotions rather than a serious planned threat to kill.

children do say things like this very, very frequently and they are not treated as serious death threats (correctly so). The youngest child I have heard say this was 5.

op, you can report this to school. They will do about as much as if a pupil had said it to another pupil in person ie basically nothing.

if your child is actually suffering physical harm from this or indeed any other child this is quite a different conversation and yes you do need to be having that conversation.

separately, get you kid off the chats. Children use them like they speak.

If probably move school to be honest although I think at y6 I can see that’s a bit late… the school sound poor generally. I’d have been looking for a school that was anti screens. They don’t need chat groups in primary school or even early secondary to be honest. It’s just a space to bully and be mean.

@Itsjjustoomuch what would you like the school to do? What action do you think should be taken? Have you shared this with them?

Have you contacted the other parents directly? That would be my first task.
Make a list of all bullying incidents and highlight those connected to school. Ask for an appointment with the head. Take the list and go from there.
im sorry you learnt the hard way that letting kids on devices, especially any form of social media, is often a bad idea.

😱

In our primary school the kids identified would be suspended and parents brought in for a meeting with language like that. The whole school would be spoken to (again) about the dangers of social media and parents reminded of how to safeguard children from the risks of SM. I’ve seen it happen in DS1s year 6 class. The child was suspended for 3 days following a threat to a classmate via WhatsApp.

You KNEW she was being bullied at school, why on earth would you invite it into her home, her safe space?
Because she begged and you can't say no to her? 🙄You gave her fire to play with ,she got burned and now you are expecting the school and the police to clear up your mess.
It is not a credible threat to her safety.Delete the app and move on wiser!

The behaviour is not ok but I dont think it would meet the criteria for suspension.

I think the school speaking to the other parents is taking action.

They wont say if they have taken a safeguarding response to the threat as its not appropriate to discuss that, but it wouldnt look like punishment anyway.

Id also expect a class wide session about bullying online in pshe bright forward/repeated.

Plus some reassurance for your daughter to feel safe in school, even just the teacher explaining they are keeping an eye out.

Report it to the police.

Was she targeted the next day?

The laughing emoji could be interpreted 2 ways. Agreeing with the boy or laughing at his ridiculous suggestion. Which is why apps are so damaging, intent and impact can be miles apart.

Make an appointment with the head and DSL, bring in the information of both in school and outside events and ask them to come up with a plan to safeguard your daughter. Focus in keeping your daughter safe not punishing the other children.