To expect the school to do something?

[Itsjjustoomuch]

My DD is in a very bitchy Year 6, doesn’t really have friends at school (has good friends out of school). I let her join a group chat to help her integrate a bit more after a couple of the girls started including her (there’s a lot of ignoring/ freezing kids out of friendship groups). I was monitoring this chat and came across an exchange where one kid wanted my DD off the chat and if she wasn’t removed ‘he would kill her’ (My DD) then her supposed friend laughed (emoji) and wanted to know how he’d kill her, he then responded by saying he’d target her at school the next day.

I went to the teacher and head with a screen capture of this and other accounts of bullying and all I got was a lot of sympathy. They said they’d chat with the kids parents and that’s it. My DD still has to share a class with these kids and there’s been little consequence regarding this behaviour.

AIBU to expect the school to do something tangible about this? Especially considering the language used.

I'm a DSL in a primary school. I'm sorry your DD is being bullied in a group chat, that's horrible. However... I do what I can to protect children, but if parents choose to give their DC dangerous toys, they will get hurt. Schools do talk to the children, at great length, about such matters, but ultimately, as a parent, the power is literally in your hands. Delete the bloody app.

Thanks for that. Yes, you’ve just reminded me, I need to explain why she was on it- it was a short lived thing. It was on a family iPad that is used in shared spaces, and is monitored. It was on messenger (not WhatsApp etc). She was very excited about these new friendships and begged me, now when you’ve seen your child suffer socially in a very difficult year group- you weigh things up and I wanted to support her.

what’s being ignored by the teachers is the fact that obviously this toxic behaviour is going on in school and the chat just provided a snap shot of the kind of language and bullying that goes on.

all very well and convenient to say don’t go on these apps, but the behaviour (which happens in school as well as out of school) is just being ignored.

Completely agree. WhatsApp groups are a nightmare at that age. They're all about kicking each other out, setting up sub-groups, power games and creating drama.

Delete it. Encourage her friendships out of school. Remind yourself and her that she'll be going to a new school next year with lots of other kids to be friends with.

Then focus on the behaviour in school. There's plenty of time in school and put of school in person to develop these new friendships, if that's what they are.

Okay, it was messenger not WhatsApp. Is still a forum unsuitable for 10 and 11 year olds.

Btw l, I have seen my child suffer socially in school. I still didn't give her more opportunity out of school to be subjected to the same.

I'm regard to the behaviour in school, have a look at the school's bullying policy and ask the school to follow it's steps.

A typical deflecting answer that doesn’t address damaging behaviour, yet again. I can see they train you all the same.

Yes, following the school's bullying policy and keeping your child off harmful, age-inappropriate apps are completely daft suggestions.

Rightio. You do you. Night, night.

I'd have been tempted to report it to the police rather than school. If someone threatened to murder me I'd tell the police, so why should a child have to just grin and bear it?

Can she change school or be educated at home? Poor girl, she must be so unhappy. And you absolutely have my sympathy. Sorry I don't have any wise advice.

Thanks @HowDoYouSolveAProblemLikeMyRear . Yes, it was a shock seeing the level of threat and bullying she has to put up with on a daily basis. My husband wants to report it, but I wanted the school to properly deal with it instead. But they’re not really interested in addressing it (a bit like the previous teacher’s posts on this thread).
she goes to secondary school next year- so I didn’t want to move her, and I don’t want to run away from it too.
but thanks for your sympathy- the language used and aggression was shocking as was the other kids happily joining in asking how she’d be killed…

If school can't deal with it I'd report it to the police. Its a serious threat so has to be dealt with.

Edited - any normal school would have a policy applying sanctions to such behaviour - exclusions, suspension etc. Simply "talking to parents" would not do anything.

Or parents could parent! What a nightmare for the school.

It didn’t happen at school so I’m not sure what you expect them to do? It’s a private conversation. I would approach the parents with screenshots.

Yes, Yabu regarding your expectations of school. The behaviour is not in school. The behaviour is outside of school, on a social media platform that has an age of 13 plus. It's not up to school to punish or police this- it sits firmly in the jurisdiction of parenting! I appreciate you wanted her to feel included, but online abuse is rife. You could have prevented this which is perhaps why you're so upset.

That being said, it's absolutely terrible that your daughter has had to experience this level of vitriol. You could report it to non emergency police on 101, or the NSPCC/childine have some excellent resources on cyberbullying. I'm sorry to hear she's having such a difficult time and hope high school will be better.

I feel for you, but what were you wanting the school to actually do? Genuinely asking. What consequences would you like? Keeping in mind that consequences at school are for behaviors at school (or at least they are in my country/state).

The screenshots/group chats are happening outside of school time (assuming a phone ban?) in which case, whilst horrible, besides raising this with the families, what else can they do? Especially when there are age limits that parents ignore, that it is common knowledge that these groups are a toxic cesspool even if monitored - why risk your child being exposed to it when you (and the school) have no way of controlling what is going on in it? The most well adjusted students I have had in lower secondary are the ones who haven’t had a phone.

I genuinely think it would be more helpful if people reported things like this to the police as a) families might respect the police chat more than the teacher chat and b) it didn’t happen inside school time so let the school know so they can monitor the situation, not because you expect them to solve it.

Yes, if the behaviour happens within school! This is online behaviour that school cannot control. Social media is toxic!

Nope - our school would action any instance of behaviour, in or out of school, including online.

Edited - social media is toxic but its very naïve to think children wont participate, sooner or later.

What exactly do you think the school can do about behaviour out of school, other than talk to the children and their parents?

In an ideal world, what exact actions would you like the school to take?

Fair play, your pastoral staff must be busy!

Of course it is, but at primary school children shouldn't be participating.

Are you certain the school haven’t taken any action? They wouldn’t necessarily discuss it with you if they had.

Your mistake was expecting something to be done from the screenshot. Kids aren't allowed phones in school and you let her on the app.

Report the in school behaviour instead.

I think the school should take the bullying seriously. It directly affects interactions between the classmates. They maybe can’t reprimand for something that happened out of school, but can keep an eye on what’s going on in class.

Why not just do some actual parenting rather than outsource the job to school?
It would save a lot of time.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable at all. I would raise holy hell about this.

The app debate is fair, but it's not the issue. My DD has an email address on a shared computer and it was child messenger where we approve and oversee all the interactions- this is how it came to light. Yes- I was persuaded by her, but surely you can separate these two issues?

1. a debate on device use
2. the threatening behaviour of a classmate A pupil threatened to kill a classmate and said he'd target her at school the next day. Deleting the app doesn't make her feel any safer in a classroom with those children. She has complained of this kind of threat before - there was just no evidence (so again, nothing really done about it). Also, I have been looking and the DfE behaviour guidance lets schools act on off-site and online behaviour that threatens another pupil, and KCSIE treats cyberbullying and threats as child-on-child abuse, which is a safeguarding matter for the DSL. so it’s really interesting that the focus has been on the app and not on the threatening behaviour. what would I like to see? teaching a child that this behaviour has consequences eg like removal from the class, or suspension or just something that sends a message that this is not ok.