AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

So many people who are happy to ignore the couples request it's mind boggling.

Next there will be a post 'my dil won't welcome me to her home. She's a witch'

If they are seeing DIL parents on Boxing Day can you make plans with them for Xmas Eve to be your day ?

DH & I keep Christmas Day to ourselves, nice and chilled with food films and presents for DC1. We do Xmas Eve with his family, round his Mums and everyone kind of pops in there all afternoon. We do Boxing Day with my family (Much smaller affair) but it kind of turns Xmas Day into Xmas Eve, Xmas Day and Boxing Day for us and DC gets 3 days of presents almost. I quite like it as growing up (again my family was a much smaller unit) everything was done and dusted by Xmas Day 5pm so I like it being spread out.

I know! "They want the day to themselves? Just ask if you can visit". 😳

Go back and say something. Along the lines of

‘we totally understand you want Christmas Day to yourselves this year, and you have made plans for boxing g day, but your dad and I would love to spend some time you with you over Christmas and give little daisy her presents. We would love you to come on Christmas Eve for dinner and presents.’

if that doesn’t work for then - have a couple of alternates - could they come for New Year’s Day? Start a new tradition that it’s a mini Christmas - a more relaxed Christmas with good food come presents for your grandchild and some games?

And that’s fine. Yes it might sting a bit as they spent the last two Christmas days with the in-laws but fair enough, perhaps they’ve decided it’s too stressful or that’s just their preference.

But they’ve managed to make a firm commitment already to see the in-laws on Boxing Day, while OP gets a vague “we’ll see you at some point”. That seems unfair. One set of grandparents gets an actual plan, the other gets fobbed off with a non-committal afterthought. Of course that’s hurtful. OP isn’t demanding Christmas Day, she’s understandably upset at not being factored into their plans for Christmas.

I understand that but it's the posters saying to just ask to go over!

Perhaps the other grandparents asked and made a firm date? We habe no idea whether the dil is happy with this situation either, perhaps she felt pressured into seeing her family. Perhaps she dislikes the op.
Who knows.
Either way, they have asked to be alone in Christmas day and that should be respected.
The op can set a date that isn't Christmas. It's still October, there js plenty of time to firm up arrangements.

Of course. And it's the OPs perogative to tell him that she finds that hurtful. She doesnt just have to eat shit and keep smiling in case he feels uncomfortable.

Could you start a special Christmas Eve at granny's tradition? Maybe even special Christmas Eve presents for the kids.

Or see them between Christmas and New Year with presents exchanged then. Most kids like the idea of extra presents, one way or another.

How is her son having a preference in anyway equivalent of her ‘eating shit’ - what an over reaction!

This.

I find it so misogynistic that DILs are treated as cruel / domineering / controlling if sons don't want to spend time with their own parents. Men do have agency and minds of their own - if OP's son wanted to spend Xmas with her, I'm sure he could find a way. Or does OP think that her son is so weak that, if he wants to spend time with her at Xmas, he can't make his own feelings known to his wife and negotiate that like an adult in a healthy relationship?

It's so odd that so many grandparents wilfully blame DIL for their relationship with their sons & grandchildren rather than looking at their own relationship with their child. Perhaps it's simply the case that many sons are happy not to hang out with their mums that much when they're adults. And yet, you hear so often, grandparents complaining that DIL didn't invite them to some event or another. That's not DIL's responsibility. That's your son's responsibility.

No grandparent has the "right" to spend time with their grandchildren at Xmas (or any other time) and yet the sense of entitlement from so many grandparents on posts like these is just extraordinary.

Your son now has a family of his own. If he wants to spend time with you, or include you in that, he will. But he is under no obligation to do so. It's troubling that you can't seem to respect their right to do whatever they want - including spending Xmas alone as a nuclear family, or time with other family members, if that's their choice.

I would strongly advise you think about whether there are perhaps ways in which your sense of entitlement is being communicated to your son and DIL, and making them pull away from you even further. You need to give them space and respect as a grown-up family in their own right, who can make whatever decisions they want for their family. It's not all about you and your needs.

Yes agree don’t just ask to go over, even just to ‘pop’ in. They’ve said they want Christmas Day to themselves and you have to respect that if you don’t want to risk an argument or bad feeling. But nothing wrong in saying can we get a date in for us to see you over Xmas and I’d say happy to host you here if that’s easier or come to you, whatever you prefer. I think you just have to go with it for now.

As an aside, I doubt as the grandchild gets older they’ll be doing Xmas day alone. My kids would be horrified at the thought of not seeing family at Xmas. They’re only young but they ask me when they’re seeing everyone and love being all together!

100% this. Women are so often given all the responsibility for arranging everything with their partner's family, and then castigated by their partner's family if they don't. It's not their job. If a man wants to see his family, it's on him to arrange it.