AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

That’s a risky approach because you see threads on here all the time from people offended no one asked them to make plans together and they’re upset the grandparents don’t make any effort and don’t care about them

The OP’s son can speak up if he doesn’t like it. Why is it the DILs fault that the son can’t be arsed to make set arrangements with his family? Women really do get blamed for everything. It’s not the DILs job to be the family social secretary.

Can you not ask if you can call round christmas morning and say you'll cook some breakfast ?? I would agree to that if it was my MIL

🤦🏻‍♀️

But her son has told her what his plans are and said he'll see her at some point.

They’ve made themselves clear they want to spend the day at home the 3 of them. All this pushing boundaries is wrong.

Boundaries people, boundaries. Just because it is Christmas, it doesnt mean we get to ignore them.

What is it with all the suggestions of boundary-stomping?

He's a grown man. He's been clear he wants Xmas Day with his own family. End of.

I wouldn't when I had said WE WANT THE DAY TO OURSELVES.

I would be heartbroken too OP. I’m a mum of three small boys myself. Seeing you “at some point” is too casual and dismissive. And offensive.
If I were you I’d suggest them coming round to yours for a Christmas feast on Christmas Eve, or a feast /party on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day. Depending on your budget you could take them for a weekend away or holiday in between Xmas and NYE.

rather than express your disappointment I would tell them how much you hope you will see them over Christmas - maybe invite them on a specific day, and plan something nice to do. If they can’t make that day, ask them to suggest a day to turn their vague plans into something concrete you can look forward to.
Expressing your disappointment will just cause bad feeling, because they have already made their plans, and if they change their minds it will be to appease you.

If you and DIL's parents are only a 20 min drive away, then at least you don't have to factor in travel time.

Xmas Day is theirs, Boxing Day is PIL, how about suggesting Xmas Eve or 27th? It's only 1 day, people can't wplit themsleves into pieces to suit everyone.

As hard as it is, I'd try to avoid feeling hurt, stop assuming it was meant to hurt you, and take back some control - suggest an actual date that works for you all - provide a range of options that they can choose?

I don’t think you should say anything about them spending Christmas twice and now Boxing Day with DIL parents, they are allowed to do that it’s their choice. Of course you may feel hurt and that’s ok but it wouldn’t be ok to guilt them about this, grandparents (despite what a lot of posters on here think) aren’t owed a Christmas.
The best way to approach it would be to invite them over to yours and give them a date that suits you all, that way if they accept you have a date planned in

This is wrong on so many fronts.

Not just because it's stomping over the boundaries, and doing it at the most intrusive part of the day (either she's there whilst they're still in their jammies or they have to wait around for their breakfast!).

But also it is making MIL do a ridiculous "pick me" offer of labour.

Honestly, OP, keep it simple. Offer two options on specific days. It doesn't actually need to be one o those things, they can choose one or suggest something else.

Don't be vague, don't beg, plead or wheedle. Direct, clear and positive communication is the way forward.

Everyone does Christmas differently. Just because you like a lot of people doesn’t mean everyone else has to. They may change their mind next year and they also may not but it’s their choice to make how they spend their Christmas

Urgh this is my worst fear as a mum of boys but I don’t think you stand to gain by saying anything unfortunately

Worst fear? That they want a spend a day with their partner and child?

I have two boys. The youngest has had a partner for 15 years and they have spent every Christmas day, every 27th and every New years day with me, my husband and my other son and various partners over the years.

Stop blaming the wife!

As a mum of boys I woukd be bloody thrilled if they met someone, had children and put them first.

As a wife of a husband who absolutely does that for us, I can tell you it's amazing.

My worst fear would be ine if them getting ill, or dying. Not being happy in their family life.

Guess we are all different.

👌👌👌

As a mum of boys, hopefully you'll build a decent relationship with your sons so that they'll want to spend time with you, and you won't blame their partners if your sons don't make the effort.

I think they've made the decision that works for their family. Support them in that.

Their Xmas will be spent in their own home with their kid. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

Your feelings about your expectations are yours to manage.

Yes, and as a toddler parent, the effort/reward profile of Christmas is completely different.

First year, newborn, we went to my parents - they are chill people who don't drink or do organised fun. Much easier with newborn.

Second year, ILs came to us (long story but they uninvited us from theirs due to a dog). After my son went to bed we just wanted to veg and watch a film, but ILs wanted games all evening, and we had to sit on floor (I was in awful pain from a medical issue).

Third year we stayed at home but spent large chunks of the day including dinner with our local friends with a 2yo. It was absolutely lovely, everything was pitched around the children and the parents all got to relax in the evening after the slog.

But each of those Christmases suited us in different ways and we'll go on changing according to need.

This inability to communicate clearly is possibly why DS doesn't want to spend Christmas Day with OP.

He has clearly explained his plans for Christmas Day and Boxing Day. OP wants to see him and he's also said he intends to see her. So here's a suggestion.

Do not ring up and say "I'm really upset you don't want to see me on Christmas Day" as that serves no purpose other than to make him feel guilty.

Do ring up and say "shall we agree a date for our Christmas meet-up? <agree date> You're welcome to come to ours or we can travel to yours if it's easier for you? Perhaps we can pop out for an hour or so and go the park with the Christmas decorations (or whatever) - I bet DC would love that . <agree plans>"

Everyone knows where they are, you have a date settled and you get to see your DC and DGC.

I think it would be completely reasonable to say that whilst you completely understand their wish to spend Christmas Day with their own little family, you'd love to plan a proper time to spend time together over the Christmas period.

Maybe suggest a few dates and some options of what you could do? Let them know that you love them all and would really appreciate the time to make festive memories together.