AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

I get why it feels hurtful @user77690, but maybe your DIL isn't trying to cut you out, she just wants the three of them to be at home and maybe this is the first opportunity she's got to make that happen because of previous pressure from her family...and she doesn't want to create a new tradition of "every other year"...and it's just unfortunate that this is the year you'd rather hoped they'd be coming to you.

I really do understand, my parents were divorced so double the amount of places we "had to be" on Christmas Day, and I don't want my own son to feel that pressure so I try very, very hard not to show my disappointment when he wants or needs to be somewhere else. Just so long as I see him "at some point".

And that "at some point" may just be clumsy phrasing from your son, it may not have been meant dismissively at all, even though that's how it landed - many men don't buy in to the whole fuss about Christmas, especially when we're only in the first weeks of October.

Unless the 25th has particular importance because you are Christian (in which case that's fine of course), I think my dad has it right when he says "there are 12 days of Christmas" and that so long as everyone who wants to gets together "at some point" in that period, it's all good.

How about you invite them for a lovely day a few days after "the day", or even at new year? That way you can enjoy hosting, they can enjoy a day being looked after, and DC get another full day of excitement and presents. And as a PP says, the best Christmases with DGC are when they're a bit older and really "get it", so don't feel you've missed anything too much just yet...there is lots of time.

I agree- you don’t know their reasons! Life isn’t always about people pleasing for the sake of it. If you get on with family and w joy spending time with them, great, not everybody does!

@user77690 , I would be hurt and disappointed by this. Your DIL seems to be one of those who wishes to distance their husband from his family, there’s not a great deal you can do about it, she holds all the trump cards and she knows it. I am forever grateful that my sons didn’t marry women like this.

Sad, and a little selfish, but you can do nothing but wish them a Happy Christmas.

Also ..
Invite them over for lunch earlier in December so that LO can help put final decorations on your tree. Thank him big time.

Ask whether, for half an hour, on Christmas Eve afternoon you can drop by to see LO's tree. You can compliment, bring a gift for their tree and wish them a lovely day.

Suggest that your DS video calls you once over the Christmas period so that you can see LO's toys.

They might be open to spending Christmas with you as the years go by.

Thanks for understanding. It’s just so unfair and I was crushed. I tried really hard and did it again the year after and honestly it was worse. So now everyone can bugger off.

@realdeal

Some of us definitely do put our children and children in law first! We always asked them what they would prefer!

One of our dils was quite clear that she wanted to alternate between her parents and us while the children were young. We did everything including night shifts and freeing them up for naps as they were both busy and tired.

Once the children were older they started having some Christmases on their own but always seeing both sets of grandparents over the season at a time and place convenient to them.

Their children have three sets of Christmas traditions which they love. We know we'll see them, and we also get to meet up with dil's parents which we love.

What you said reminded me of how I felt when mine were little. Hope your Christmas is lovely whatever you do

So much pressure is put on christmas day but aslong as you get to see them over the Christmas week I don’t see the issue .
life isn’t fair and just because they spent the first 2 Christmas’s with her parents does not mean they have to make it equal .
Perhaps her parents house is more comfortable to be in with a child or is it closer to them ? there can me any number of fair reasons they did two christmas’s in a row . The child must be around 2 years old now so definitely easier to be at home with their new toys

I admit I would be a bit hurt as well, and DS saying that they would see you at some point would make it even more hurtful.
However, I don't think you should tell him that you feel it isn't fair. But I would try and get a date in the diary so you can make some plans.

Gosh! It's a difficult one, isn't it?

Why don’t you invite your son over for lunch before Christmas and spend a lovely day together. Or if you don’t live close, why not meet up somewhere nice and convenient and have a lovely meal out.
I have 5 son's and have sadly accepted that when it comes to the grandparents on both sides, and their position in the pecking order, it is always the DIL's parents who come first. This is my experience and is not a criticism, it is just a fact. I think if you are experiencing the same, and can accept this, you will have an easier life.
Sadly, I think that some, not all DIL, forget about how important it is to involve both sets of grandparents. My advice would be not to inform your son that you are upset, it will only cause your son to feel bad. They are entitled to have their own Christmas with their new family. Accept it and move on, by organising something special with them, before Christmas.

Perhaps suggest a day for them to come to you? Or you to go to them?

20 minutes is nothing. I wold either offer to host them or ask if you can come round on Christmas day to see them especially grandchild(ren) as it would mean a lot to you. Don't tell them you're disappointed but make it clear that it means as much to you as to DIL's parents!

It. Is. One. Day. There are another 364 days in the year when you could see them - g
have a Christmas Day in June, if you like! This is really not worth stressing about - just do your own thing, OP. In fact, why not book a fabulous holiday?

This.

I understand your disappointment and it does seem unfair . unfortunately tho MIL can't do right for doing wrong on here . Just keep the invite open for future and enjoy the time they do visit .

This is spot on really

And also some parents and in laws have little in common and don’t get on! My parents and in laws would never want to be with each other on Christmas Day! Totally idealistic

Why is it awful of them? Travelling at Christmas is horrible - there can be bad weather and the days are short so there's night driving. It's easier to see relatives on weekends before and after when you can perhaps stay overnight and avoid some of the night time driving.

Better to do all these duty visits at Easter in my view. Longer days and often much better weather. People make so much fuss about Christmas. I'd be delighted if ds got a better offer and went elsewhere, then DH and I could do what we wanted (though we currently can't as I have an elderly mother, but if that's not the case for the OP, she can do something more exciting).

I can’t see why not , if they want to spend it on their own so be it, they prob want the day to themselves . I work in a supermarket as a promo person and have done for 15 years and have so many regular customers I talk to about this . It’s the topic of conversation atm . Loads are saying they have a day after Xmas where they get together and have the in-laws round and have another Xmas day , usually Boxing Day or the day after, it’s really common and no one takes offence. It’s a day out of 365 . The kids don’t mind , they have 2 days of pressies!

Yes agree

They live twenty minutes away

Twixmas?

Why don't you ask if you could call round on Xmas morning / afternoon for a cuppa - say an hour max? Or invite them to you for Xmas Eve tea?

Or she could respect their choice.

But they've said they want it to themselves!

The time between Christmas and new year.