AIBU to express hurt/disappointment over Christmas plans

[user77690]

My son and DIL have a young child. For the first two Christmases of my grandchild’s life, they spent Christmas Day with DIL’s parents. We recently asked what they were planning for Christmas this year and my son told us that, from now on, they want to spend Christmas Day just the three of them. They’re going to see DIL’s family on Boxing Day and have said they’ll see us at some point…

I completely understand them wanting to make their own traditions and I know they’re entitled to spend Christmas however they choose. But I’m really quite hurt.
I think what makes it difficult is that DIL’s parents had the first two Christmas Days with our grandchild. We never had a Christmas Day with them, and now it feels as though the opportunity has disappeared altogether. I suppose I’d always assumed the families might alternate at some point.

I don’t want to guilt-trip them or cause an argument, and I wouldn’t expect them to change their plans just because I’m upset. But would I be unreasonable to tell my son that I feel hurt and disappointed by it? Or is this something I should keep to myself and simply accept?

Yes - this is similar to what I suggested. Nice idea to suggest OP.

Honestly OP I feel you are old enough to know better! Why don't YOU invite them for a lovely meal and give presents on one of days running up to Xmas/after Xmas - i.e. you give them a ''treat''?

I would try to firm up your plans for seeing them, instead of this 'at some point' which is vague and unhelpful. Perhaps say that you would really like to spend a day with them, can we agree which day? I am also glad to see that you haven't blamed DiL for what must have been a joint decision, or followed the 'controlling' or 'disgusting' DiL narrative. Perhaps Christmas with parents didn't turn out to be as they expected and they've decided to stop for now.

So the DIL's parents got Christmas Day for two years, and for the third year they are still prioritised above OP in getting Boxing Day, after the young family have the day alone.

Yet nearly everyone in this thread thinks that OP should just suck it up and that she's unreasonable to be hurt?

I suspect that when you're all grandparents you might see this differently (especially those mothers of sons who think she's unreasonable).

OP, you don't have to stay silent on this. Simply say:
'we won't have seen you at Christmas at all for three years, and we'd really love to. We appreciate that you would like to spend Christmas Day alone this year and that's quite understandable. But as you're spending Boxing Day with DIL's parents can we fix a day to celebrate with you? Seeing is 'at some point' feels a little bit woolly when this is the third year that we're otherwise not able to celebrate together.'

Yep. Welcome to grandparenthood, and having to bottle up every emotion and disappointment, to avoid being 'difficult' and risking your relationship with your kids.

Goodness. We are all aware that we don't have children to keep other people happy, right?
Little wonder they have chosen to do what is right for them.

Op, Christmas is just a made up celebration on a chosen day. The absolute joy of this is you can have this imaginary celebration any day you like.

Just invite them over a different day and hold it then. Does it actually matter if you see your grandchild open gifts in the 25th of December or the 3rd January? No. Do you want to spend a day (any day) having a lovely time with your son and his family? Yes. Then pick a day and do it then.

You have no idea why your son and his family have chosen this route. It's non of your business. Just respect it and work around it if you want to remain in their lives.

No welcome to realising your children are their own people and not extensions of yourself.

Yes!

As per my previous post, it's ridiculous that grandparents are expected to put up and shut up when there's clear unfairness. Not allowed to express emotion. Not allowed to hope to share in celebrations.

Of course it's reasonable for the young family to choose to have Christmas Day alone. We did back in the day, once the kids were pre school age. But we didn't forget our parents, and we did treat them equally.

Now I'm a grandparent, and my DD and son in law now have their own Christmas Day with the little ones. But they see us and her in laws equally on the days before and after.

If the most they offered me was a "we'll are you at some point" after two years of them only seeing the other grandparents, and planning the same this time, I'd be very very hurt. And frankly the son and DIL should already recognise that. OP meeting with simply gives them license to continue sidelining her

It's possible for both sides to recognise each other as people. And the vast majority of families manage that, fortunately.

But OP 's son and DIL don't seem to have done that, in that they haven't bothered recognising that by prioritising one set of grandparents, they're causing hurt to the other.

because that's not what they want. Get off your judgement high horse.

How often do you/the other grandparents see them in daily life? Weekends? Do you /the other grandparents help out?

In the end Christmas is just another day. If it becomes something you have to do (eg see family) it becomes performative, and that is against the spirit of it. If you see grandchild often and regularly and spend quality time, it shouldn't matter, whether you are scheduled in for Christmas.
But I understand it is hurtful, that seeing you comes across as an afterthought, that may or may not happen.... Good luck

Adding. As well as creating a Xmas tradition with your grandchild/ren on Xmas Eve, nearest weekend or some other day over the season, you could suggest a compromise for Xmas Day and see what your son and DIL think.

If you only live 20 mins away, you could suggest popping over to theirs on Xmas Day, just for an hour (e.g. late afternoon) once all the mayhem has subsided and GC has had a nap/calm time.

Ofc, be prepared they’ll still say no and accept that. If they like that idea, you should strictly stick to it. Just an hour. Maybe bring a tin of homemade food to leave (sausage rolls, mince pies) and a bottle of drink to help them out. See GC, give their pressies, then go - even if they ask you to stay or GC begs for you to stay.

I think lots of parents with young/teenage kids worry that if they say yes, GPs will be there the whole day/evening and they never get to kick back and relax as a couple/family. The beauty of living pretty local is you can just pop in for a very limited time.

This is difficult @user77690 as saying something probably won’t help matters. But if the ILs are now getting boxing day and have already had 2 Christmas days, I’d at least want to have that chat and point it out. It’s a hard one to deliver without coming across as demanding though, when you just want them to acknowledge that you’ve missed out and also want to make your own plans. What about Christmas Eve?

Perhaps OPs son prefers to spend time with his ILs - and that’s his prerogative.

I’ve got 2 DS , when I read these stories it makes me wonder how our future Christmases might be.
Of course it’s their right to spend Christmas where they want, but a bit hurtful . Maybe suggest dropping by for a short while?

It does make me think that people who find this kind of thing ‘hurtful’ must have lead a pretty charmed life of having things their own way with people they have relationships with.

Please do not suggest just 'dropong in' on Christmas day. They have made their boundaries clear.

Don't tell him that you are upset OP.
These Christmas dilemmas are a constant for many and cause untold problems.
You need to put up and keep silent other than wishing them a lovely day.
Take care OP, as others have said, it's just a day.

I'd see this as an opportunity. You can start your own Christmas traditions with your grandchild without any worry of taking over Christmas Day itself.

We have never spent Christmas Day with either set of grandparents, precisely because of the guilt tripping. We spent a day with each set on a day close to Christmas instead. Even then my parents kept count of how many hours we'd spent with the other grandparents compared to them. It's exhausting and ruins the time.

It's more important that you get a lovely day and quality time with your loved ones than what the calendar says.

I think @redskyAtNigh idea is really good - could you suggest taking them to a Father Christmas event, or winter lights, or a Christmas show, and make it a Christmas tradition.

There's no way of knowing the exact dynamics of your relationships with each other. It could be that her parents guilt and pressure her more, it could be that they can relax a bit more, it could be that she's just being selfish.

None of the most extreme responses are likely to be correct, it will likely be a mix of things. It is a shame that they didn't alternate the first two Christmases (we alternated the first two before sticking to being at home with family invited on or around the day).

I would simply say, "we would really love to enjoy a Christmas celebration with you - can we plan a day? Would you like us to host at ours, or would you prefer us to visit for a day? Which day works for you?"

Stick to a couple of simple choices. They're at the tricky stage for Christmases - still a lot of work, and bouncing around relatives can make it a slog rather than a pleasure.

Their decision might not last forever - I'm keen for my son to be at home for the next few "prime" Christmases, but would maybe open it up once he stops believing in FC.

I would feel sad, too, OP but unfortunately there is nothing you can do but accept what they have said. I think the least said about it, the better, as questioning their decision will only come over as pushing.

They said that they will see you at some point so I would leave it up to them to let you know when that will be.

I often had to work on Christmas Day when our children were little so we would open presents on Christmas Eve instead (which I have come to prefer!). We usually do something fun like go to a pantomime or an illuminated garden; is this something you could perhaps suggest when the right time presents itself? Something like this could become a nice family tradition.

I would make some nice plans for Christmas Day and be thankful that you have a happy and healthy family. Once you have adjusted your mindset, things will start to feel better. You have lots of fun times with your son, DIL and grandchild ahead.

Nobody ever asks what the exhausted parents of the young children want. Not a thought. It’s always the grandparents wading in. I have not had a single grandparent ask me what I want for years and years. It’s unbelievable how often Christmas becomes this thing that grandparents use to express their disappointment over. No thought for how the parents are just trying to survive sleepless nights, sorting their kids out on the day, trying to fit everything in.

They have said they want to spend it themselves!

I'd be hurt at feeling like an afterthought too.

In this instance, probably best to just say that their plans sound lovely and you'll bagsie Christmas eve then but they're always welcome to pop in for a bit on Christmas day if they fancy it (no pressure or expectation). Going forward it might be a good idea to establish a pattern to allow planning as we all know what it's like trying for a delivery slot!