Am I being mean sending my child to preschool on my non working days ?

[Sleepingworries]

Just wondering if I’m being a mean mum here as other peoples assumptions have made me worry.

I work 3 days a week and my ILs look after my toddler while I’m at work. My toddler is now old enough for preschool and I’ve booked my toddler into preschool on my 2 non working days. This just means I get a
bit of a break, time for me so I can do things like go to the gym.

When I’ve been telling people about my child starting preschool, the majority have assumed that it will be on the days I’m working and look quite shocked when I say it’s the days I’m off.

It’s now making me question if I’m being selfish by having those days to myself ? Am I doing something unusual ?

Who exactly is other people?
It's your life. it's your home. do what you want to do
I reckon people are not questioning your golf playing DH about all the time he spends playing golf ever

My starting point is that it is good for children to go to preschool. Socialisation, structure, wider range of activities than you can offer at home, eases them into that sort of environment before they start reception.

But it does seem a bit much that in-laws have three days providing free childcare while you only have two weekend days with the kids, and get two days to yourself. I’d probably be trying to give the in-laws another day off and have one day with the DC instead. Better balance for everyone - the kids, you, the inlaws. As soon as the DC start reception, the chance of having a weekday off with them is gone for good, and so actually if they are preschool aged, you are only talking about reduced “me time” for another year or two.

I worked 3 days a week when my DS was tiny. Childminder had him for 2 days and my MIL had him for one day. Then when he went to preschool I split it so he went on one of my days off and one of the days I worked. It's only mornings though isn't OP so if it suits you and your inlaws don't mind then it's no biggie.

Given the number of threads here where DIL treat PIL horribly if they feel there is a spat about childcare, they may have thought it prudent to say nothing. But that doesn’t mean they may not privately be finding three full days with active toddlers a bit much and had been thinking the load would be a bit reduced when they started pre-school. I’d be asking them openly and in a non-judgmental way if they’d like to do one day less a week while DC are at preschool.

That's very sad. Your child will soon be at school. Why don't you want to spend this time with them? You'll never have it ever again.

Each to their own - no judgement from me.

However candidly yes, it's unusual.

Most people if they have 5 days childcare would work 5 days. Or work 4 and have one catchup day. It's quite an indulgence to have two full days for chilling, gymming etc. No judgement, maybe a bit of jealousy!

The other thing that will have raised eyebrows is the idea you'd be using that additional care to take time for yourself rather than giving your in laws some respite. If it was even 50/50 with them doing one less day and you doing one would feel more balanced. But again, no shade, whatever works for you.

Also the other thing that's given me a bit of a pause for thought is the way you talk about spending time with your child as work. Most people (this is just statistically - most, not all, and no judgement on those that don't) would consider a child as a relationship, not a job. So just like spending time with my sister or best friend isn't a job I need a break from, spending time with my children isn't a job I need a break from. Most parents look forward to their weekends with their kids rather than slicing up who's spent the most time with their child as who did the most 'work'.

Look none of this means you are a good or bad parent or human. But the 3 points above I think would explain why you are getting raised eyebrows.

Toddler is doing three full days with PiL and two full days at preschool?

I cannot imagine anyone I know batting an eyelid.

Probably just jealous that you have time to go to the gym (for the record: I’m jealous).

I don’t think you are doing anything wrong at all. Especially if you are flat out devoted to dc at weekend and after work as you appear to be!

If the in-laws want to reduce their time, then you can put them in 4 days. Two days off each. Pre-school is usually 5 days so there is no harm in going full time. Is it three hours a day or a full day? If it’s a full day you’re a bit cheeky.

If I was one of you in-laws I’d be fuming!!! They provide 3 days every week to look after your child, please tell me you at least offered to give them some time back??

I was a sahm and sent mine to preschool so I could have a break and my kids experience that kind of setting (was 2 mornings a week from age 2 ish) so I have no issue with using childcare to have time to yourself.

My issue would be using the in-laws for free childcare and then using preschool when you aren’t at work. Seems quite cheeky to be honest. 3 full days with a toddler is a lot of work!

There is nothing wrong with needing some time for yourself. Raising a toddler is a full time job and it is hard to be always switched on. You need to do what works for you. Plus, preschool is great for children.

Yes, unusual in my experience. Everyone I know who works part-time (me included) does it so they can spend more time with DC. Ditto anyone I know using grandparents for childcare (me included) does it so they can work.

Personally I think it's unusual not to want to spend time with your young child. I work four days a week. Child goes to nursery fours days a week and then one day with me. That day with me is so special I wouldn't have it any otherwiay despite it being tiring.

OP has said she has spoken to them and they have no issues. Some grandparents enjoy raising their grandchildren.

It is isn't it? I mean, it's your child, normally mums and dads spend their days with them!
But, if you can afford it as well as your in-laws not minding doing so many days then that's all ok isn't it? I would check in with them regularly though as their feelings and circumstances may change. They may just be being polite for now.

I would get your child (not toddler if 3+) into pre-school at least 3 days to help them to settle more easily. What about 2 of your in-laws days and 1 of yours?

I also wouldn’t be comfortable with my child spending more solid blocks of time with my in laws and instead of me.

Preschool sessions are often only 3 hours not a full day. Non working parents use Preschool too as it's good for their children. One full weekday at home with you gives you more flexibility to go out but having a few childfree hours during the week is fine. Would your in-laws be happy to take and collect from preschool on one of your work days?

I think your in-laws "not objecting" doesn't mean they totally approve. Maybe they think your DD is better with them rather than parents who seem to see time with her as a chore rather than a privilege. Maintaining your own interests is healthy for parents but family and one-to-one time with children is needed too.

I work full time.
I use FT child care for long hours.
I think preschool is beneficial.

Yet....I would judge this.
One day to yourself is more than enough.

I'm assuming / hoping you guys are one and done????? 😵‍💫

I would have loved 1 -2 days a week with a 3yr old

So your IL are having her more than you for daytimes?

I wouldn't call it mean, unless she dislikes going. Lazy yes. I don't think I'd give up these precious years for the gym and a bit of a relax.

Yeah this is why I took a 40% paycut to go down to three days, to spend more time with my kids. You must have a lot of money to justify that?

Did you offer to reduce the the ILs child minding time first?

I find it quite sad you prefer me time to being with your toddler.

I find it quite sad you prefer me time to being with your toddler.