Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

I'd be tempted to hang one on the other side of her door - when you come out, stop being an absolute brat!

This is the same as "it rhymes so it must be true" logic! Brilliant 😁

I don't have a natty catchphrase, but I do think that it's silly to believe we teach children to regulate their impulses by an adult losing their temper and lashing out at a child.

I've just found the note my son wrote - well a picture I took of it. We had a few over the years. The one I was thinking of said "REMINDER Do not by pearants birthday presents" and I also found a "Please do not come in I hate you both".

The latter is like the polite version of OP's note. Glad to see DH getting equal flack anyway. DS has always expressed himself a lot in writing, we recently cleared his room out and there was an amazing confession in a notebook saying that Mrs X [his year 1 teacher] had told him off for talking - it dramatically ends "and I will NO tell my dad or mum".

Some of the wishy washy responses on this thread just go to show why we have so many feral children nowadays.

I swear like a trooper in front of my daughter. She still would never in a million years have done that at 8 - wouldn’t now either at 12.

It’s hurtful and mean. That’s the worst bit, not a bleeped out swear word. Wait until it’s all calm and have a conversation with her about how it was hurtful and not helpful. If she’s angry, teach her other ways of dealing with it. Screaming in a pillow. Writing it down and ripping it up, whatever. But not that. Totally inappropriate

I would have come down really hard on this behaviour when mine were 8, I wouldn't have scared them but they would be very aware of how bad it was and I certainly wouldn't have ignored it. Respect for one another is very big in our house.

Two are now adults and one is a teen, they've been lovely throughout their teenage years and I have a great relationship with all of them. They come to me with problems, they deal with things well and have turned into really lovely people.

I cannot ever imagine ignoring this kind of thing, it'll make them think it's not a big deal.

Nope never had one !!!

No more YT for her!

Christ, they're right!

furthermore I have just realised that 'caring' is only one letter different to 'scaring', and two away from 'scarring'! You heard it hear first, caring parents are fucking up their kids 😂

So, you’d teach her how not to behave by….doing the exact same thing she did? Well done you! No wonder some kids are arseholes if these are their role models

Thanks all, this was late yesterday afternoon. I left it there and I think she must have forgotten.
Just picked her up from school and I purposely left it out on the dining room table. I was busying about, pretending not to notice and she was scribbling it all out, I then asked her about it, calmly. I said I was very upset reading it and shocked and that she can't say these things, especially to her mum and especially swearing too. (We don't swear at home and it's unlikely to be from Yt at friends houses, I do remember her telling me words people had saod at school in the past)
She immediately exploded, getting upset and shouting and me shouting over her.
Currently sat upstairs trying to calm down, have taken the tv remote away (no access to Yt, just annoyed at her shouting back rudely at me)

Honestly feel like a shit mum and no idea where I've gone wrong, she wasn't like this when younger.

Can't believe how few people have interrogated their own approach to hierarchy, fear, "respect" and all that gubbins. "It's TERRIBLE!...she would get an absolute rocket from me... the DISRESPECT ... I would say how DARE YOU!!!!... Remove YouTube for three weeks! We must have CONSEQUENCES!!"

These bombastic type of things make me just blink - how pathetic and empty they sound as ways to help a child learn. Is thst really how you see the relationship between you and your child? It's dysregulated on the adult side.

Parenting is different now because psychology has happened, analysis of patriarchy and colonialism has happened, we know more about human needs and communication. We know what actually gets things done by harnessing motivation rather than expending energy on punishing and correcting for no good reason. We need to create self discipline in our children but forcing extrinsic motivation doesn't actually do that.

People, specially children, lash out towards the boundary naturally, and the boundary has to be held with empathy and kind clarity.

The situation is, OP wants to enforce a rule about YouTube. She has done so!! Parenting win! Her daughter feels free to express her anger at this, but is staying WITHIN quite a few boundaries. She's not come out and hit her mum or screamed at her. She has protested in quite a calm way. She knows her voice matters.

She is literate! She has a good understanding of taboo and was deliberately using this to shock. BUT she has, really sweetly, acknowledged the boundaries by writing s**t. This indicates to me that she does know what is right and wrong, what is appropriate to different situations. I would eat my hat if this child would say something disrespectful to a teacher, she sounds intelligent and with a command of appropriate social register.

You can tell the calm, evolved adults on this thread, they are the ones not letting the sight of a swear word push them into a self righteous, brittle space of shame and blame.

I don't get why posters are saying make her apolgise - who needs an possibly insincere apology or a chance for yet more defiance. If off her own bat she offers one that's great.

Tell her calmly fimly and clearly it is unacceptable thing to have done - language and intent to hurt if Op thinks that was there - and move on.

The consquence is she won't be allowed to mates houses to watch you tube any time soon and it will be even longer before she gets it - given her behavior and possibly lose the board if Op thinks that's needed.

Then move on with life.

Applauding behavior that disrespectful because it's funny or expressed sentiments is not going to encourage better behavior in future but given she was tried and upset doesn't need an ongoing saga.

This was unaccepetable behavior from her - convey that clearly - and carries a natural consquence.

Also just read OP update. You're not a shit mum. She was trying to move beyond it by scribbling it out and probably was stressed after school too, then got aerated again. It doesn't matter that she is angry, you are being clear with her and that is what matters, it's fine to have one clear sensible conversation about it.

Did she explode at being told off about the language, or about the underlying YT regulations?

Precisely. Honestly the comments on here saying ignore it, she’s tired or speak calmly about why we don’t say hurtful things are ridiculous. This behaviour needs addressing firmly and clearly and a suitable punishment given.

8 years old? I would clamp down on your stroppy little madam, before she’s a teenager. 🙄

Yes, she's allowed her anger.

But equally, so are you. She might well be tired - well, so are you.

I think a VERY stern talking to about calling you a 'shit' anything is in order. It's fine to be disappointed about not being allowed YouTube, but she really does have to accept that she is the child, you are the parent, and, however unfair she thinks it is, you are keeping her safe. And that's not up for negotiation.

You haven't done anything wrong.

Being a parent is hard sometimes. Occasionally we so thongs pur kids don't like and it makes them lash out because they don't know how to deal with the disappointment etc.

Peersonally I would ignore the note for now, you have said your piece. I would let things calm down and ask her what is on YouTube that ahe wants yo watch and see if there's a way to watch it elsewhere. Explain there are lots of things that are not suitable for her age and that is why you have made the decision.

Then, if you really feel the note needs addressing again, explain it's hurtful, and ask how ahe would feel if her friends wrote.the same about her. I found making them understand it from their own perspective helped a lot at that age.

Remember, it's our first time on this planet, we are all just learning.

She immediately exploded, getting upset and shouting and me shouting over her.
Currently sat upstairs trying to calm down, have taken the tv remote away (no access to Yt, just annoyed at her shouting back rudely at me)
Honestly feel like a shit mum and no idea where I've gone wrong, she wasn't like this when younger.

Sensible - sometimes they see how their mates get away with behaving and try it at home.

I had it that age occaionally usually to face to face - as language of playground epsailly in second primary school was vile. I'd make a sound to re-think but it didn't wash and it didn't wash when they were teens either. It does feel shit but I am their parent not their mate - I think longer term it does help them understand different behaviors in differenet places and with different people exits and they've grown up polite and well mannered according to people who interact with them.

She may still be tired - but there are ways to behave and this is not it. Hopefully she calms down and listens later on tonight.

An 8 yr old does not need you tube. Put restrictions on any device she has access to, including the tv app and that’s the bare minimum.

If she had said "you're a shit teacher" in school or made a sign saying s**t or shit, the teacher would have said our school rules require polite and respectful language to everyone, you will therefore receive this sanction.

But she wouldn't do that in school. That's as plain as day.

Home is not school and the relationship is not a transactional one, children need to regulate through expression then repair.

If repair doesn't happen or they can't be safe doing it, then natural consequence are put in place. I see no reason for "a suitable punishment" for swearing at your mum. Not once, from an 8 year old with big feelings. Said with real vitriol from.a 12 year old, or accompanied by a punch from a 14 year old, this is not ok. But there is not an inevitable escalation from the first to the last, if you parent relationally.

Be a shit mum then, no lifts to play dates, treats, hobbies etc. Bread and butter and a glass of milk for tea. If she asks why, explain it’s because you’re shit.

Lots of the posts on here are essentially using the child's own techniques to dominate her.

And then people wonder where children learn things from ...

Not with you. But likely with your very kick-back and let things slide husband

She's 8. Jesus wept.