Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

Children shouldn't be deprived of their normal food as a punishment. It is a parent's unqualified responsibility to provide access to meals. Making them contingent on good behaviour is shit parenting. The consequence is totally unrelated, and teaches the child that their right to meals isn't absolute. Don't fuck around with food to punish your kids.

Oh wow! Absolutely not!

About me talking about it to her, I was calm...at first, then she exploded, I couldn't speak properly, so then felt angry myself, it wasn't the right way to be, but there's no way I can just let it go

I would be super proud if my eight year old said you are a shit mum and not your a shit mum.

But in all seriousness, you will laugh about it when she’s older but keep those boundaries firm.

I have a 14 and 9 yr old. Neither of them have sworn or shouted at me, ever. Does she do this alot? What are the consequences when she does this

I remember 8 being a hard age tbh op. You're not a shit mum this is most likely age related . I have a 12 year old girl and honestly, it's a roller coaster 😂. Just try to stay level and in a few weeks she'll settle down again.

OMG you are not a bad mum you are a good mum. All kids have brat moments. It's what you do with them that matters.

Michelle Obama has a good view on this - she says something along the lines of - if your kids like you all the time, then you're a bad parent. Because being a good parent means putting down boundaries they may not like.

Then she says, her favorite expression with her kids when they were small was "I'm not one of your little friends. I have my own friends".

Which I love.

Personally my kids have raged and railed against me. They've said they hate me and I'm a terrible parent. But I just don't care and don't understand why anyone would? I know they love me. I know one day they'll thank me for not letting them watch inappropriate stuff. And, fundamentally, I'm not their friend. I'm their mother.

Colonialism @calflions ?! I nearly spat out my tea.

OP that is upsetting and I wonder if there’s something else going on for your DD. Could there be some bullying going on? Has she overheard other people using this sort of language? It’s not just calling you shit it’s the fact that she thinks she has a right to express an opinion on your adequacy as a parent.

I would see if you can get any headway with finding out what’s behind all this. But you also have to be the parent. Explain that you don’t use that language in your house and there will be consequences. One less tv programme or whatever. And say that it’s ok to be angry but it’s important to find a way to say it so as not to hurt other people. But don’t be too obviously upset. She needs to know that you are in control.

Well you can. You can let it go. It was brat behaviour but the reality is it didn't get her the result she wanted (YouTube access) so you already won. Let her have her explosion. Tell her it's inappropriate and if she pulls a punk stunt like that again there will be consequences.

I am curious as to the background to your relationship that it's impacted you so much that she's had a rage / tantrum. Are you more focussed historically on being her friend which is why this has shocked you so?

A straw poll amongst my mates would be all our kids have thrown tantrums about us putting down rules and done and said awful things. It's meaningless.

I think it's kind of funny, but of course you have to address the language and "remind" her that while you try to respect her privacy there are times when you or her dad may have to go into her room.

It's interesting that she has written "you're a shit mum" and not "you're shit parents" or "you're a shit mum and dad". Is she only or mainly angry because she feels you spoke to her sharply/yelled when she pushed back about YouTube? If you lost your temper then it probably does makes sense to apologise, but be clear that the original decision about YouTube still stands. And make sure her dad is backing you up / is proactively setting and reinforcing the agreed-upon boundaries with her roughly as often as you are, because if she's actually blaming the "no YouTube" decision on you she needs to understand that that's a household/parenting rule, not your arbitrary decision.

Of course not, she's never sworn at me...ever!

Or even this:💩

Don't take this stuff to seriously OP. Perhaps that prior poster has children who are absolute angels. More likely she spends her life appeasing them so they never have a reason to get cross. That will have consequences downstream.

I agree swearing is out of line (though she did star it out!) - but a child being angry with a parent for establishing a rule is totally utterly normal. To the extent I'd say if your kids never get cross with you, you're doing something wrong.

I'm not shocked by her getting angry/having tantrums, I also don't take the note personally as I know she loves me. However, i'm shocked she wrote a note like that as it's just so disrespectful and mean and I cannot accept that
Whilst I was talking to her and explaining she can't do that, she said I was mean sometimes as I don't let her go on the phone, Yt etc etc, it's all about not letting her do what she wants

You aren't a shit mum. I think you've handled it well.

It's because it was me at the time saying no, when she was repeatedly asking, I did get angry and tell her i'd said no and no is no
Dh isn't soft, but said to leave it last night as we were all tired etc

This is exactly what’s wrong with kids today.

You're absolutely right, it's not about her being cross and having a tantrum, it's that she would then sit down and write an offensive notice as a consequence.
You're going to have to tell her that it won't get her any YouTube privileges, because that's not what you respond to.

it didn't get her the result she wanted (YouTube access) so you already won.

Yes, you are already 50 percent of the way there on this one OP.

No I wouldn't, the note is just trying to get a reaction so I just wouldn't get into it.

I'd talk about the actual issue, which was the youtube ban.

Michelle Obama has a good view on this - she says something along the lines of - if your kids like you all the time, then you're a bad parent. Because being a good parent means putting down boundaries they may not like.
Then she says, her favorite expression with her kids when they were small was "I'm not one of your little friends. I have my own friends".

Interesting as that was pretty much my view.

I did know parents who let 8 year old behave badly - it could be coincidence but they were always the ones with the challenging teens always put down to bad luck.

A loud noise a clap when they start shouting or a firm not shouted how dare you or excuse me - may stop them in their tracks and make them re-think current behavior once they start shouting but sometime you do have to wait them out.

Not allowing an 8 yeat old you tube access at home is a resonable boundary and even if she is upset and angry about that you should not change that or accept her poor behavior. It's hard but long term it is good parenting.

This … she’s 8. . . She doesn’t know she’s being a twat. …. Roll eyes. …bring it out at her wedding reception 😁

But did you actually explain, in a way an 8 year old can understand, why youre saying no?
She sees her friends on YouTube and likely doesn't know why you're opposed.

Just saying "because I said so" doesnt help her understand, and doesn't allow for any further discussions.

What is likely to happen now is she will find ways to go on YouTube without any kind of parental control. Or down the line she will find ways to do things you don't approve of without telling you.

It's tough separating your hurt feelings from this, but you need to step back from that and explain.

Wedding receptions are not the time or place, surely.
I would avoid humiliation at any stage in life, personally! 🤷🏼

I might be on my own on this but my first instinct would have been to laugh.

For context, my DD has brothers 6 & 9 years older so at 8 of course she knew & used rude words (they all do really) and had to be feisty to hold her own. Oh, how we laugh at the time she mouthed 'fuck you' at me while performing on stage in the nativity at school.

My feisty little lass is now a kind, perfectly behaved 17 yo A* student on schedule to go to a Russell Group university next year. All 3 of my kids are exceptional humans who we see all the time.

Pick your battles and don't get stressed over little things.

I usually batted away the 'I hate you..' comments with something like however you feel I love you, honeypie. Getting angry doesn't help anything, calmly reasserting boundaries and not being phased by bad behaviour is much more effective IMO. Reward the good behaviour, ignore the bad.

One of my boundaries was no TVs or games consoles in rooms until age 16. Especially important now they are usually smart tvs but bedrooms should be for books in any case.