Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

For me it's the offensive term, but also that she thought creating that notice was ok.
That's what I'd be dealing with.

I know, I´m getting my pearls out for some pp´s to clutch. My daughter is a prolific writer, I did point out some of her spelling mistakes, which earned me a lethal look...

Stand firm on that.

Mumsnet, probably.

Yes I know, they’re not supposed to see it, but I bet children have read it over their mum’s shoulder. And there’s a certain irony of complaining about children writing “shit” on a forum where posters often refer to children (sometimes their own) as “little shits”.

I have an 8 year old DD. If she said this to me I would say ‘I saw the sign in your door. Because you have sworn and been unkind your iPad is being taken away until you can prove to me you’re a decent person.’

And I would remove it for at least two weeks.

Fair enough.

Well shows she knows it's a very bad word at least.

Do not cave in on the YT stance. This shows you are totally vindicated.

I'd be curtailing visits to these friends for a while. How well do you know the parents of these other girls?

Absolutely!

I'm a shit mum because I found it funny. One of mine was particularly good at telling me when I had missed him off, once (aged about 5) he told me to go to space. Without a space suit. He's 19.now and we laugh about the creative ways he found to express himself.

Op, don't ho nuclear, she needs to know her feelings matter. Explain the reasons you don't allow YouTube, and let her know that behaviour like that will.not change your mind. And then I suggest you all watch something to gether and gwt an early night.

I reckon she probably feels a teeny but bad for saying it and will likely be upset with herself.

And before anyone asks - i have 4, now aged 27 - 18 and all very stable humans who all treat me and thw world with respect and love.

😧😯😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫😵‍💫

I think I would be handing her her arse... this is TERRIBLE.

@Screamingabdabz I'm 50. My mum and dad fondly saved a sign I wrote for my bedroom door, aged 5. It said "Buger off Mummy and Daddy" (sic).

I turned out ok!

Don't make it into a bigger deal than it needs to be. Remove the sign for now. When you've all had a sleep and feel calm, talk to her about how she can be angry and disagree with your choices, but it's never acceptable to be unkind and rude. Tell her she can have the door sign back if / when she's prepared to be kind. Reiterate the boundary on YouTube - she doesn't have to like it but it's a firm rule because it keeps her safe. Then suggest you both move on.

If the behaviour continues or escalates further consequences may be appropriate, including possibly not spending time with the friends who she watches YouTube with at their houses.

Alongside the consequences, find a way to connect. Once tempers are calm and this moment has passed, spend some quality time together - a walk, out for a coffee, an activity you both like. Get back on the same team.

You'd give her the door sign back? Why?
To add: I wouldn't go for a coffee with an 8 year old.

I would say youtube (and the like) now banned until she's 17, due to the fact she is learning bad words and attitude from them!

Other than that, it's quite funny really - you're a good mum and standing firm on what is right. Boundaries are good, makes them better adults!!

It's not the writing of the sign that made you turn out ok, it was parental and other influence, and boundaries set.

Eventually, yeah - when she was ready to be nice. I don't think being an arsehole on occasion when you're 8 warrants a permanent consequence. The sign goes away now because she needs corrected. If / when (as I said) she's ready to be kind and respectful, she can have it back.

The 8 year old doesn't need to have a coffee; other beverages are available.

But she does have unsupervised access to it. You let her go to friends houses where she watches it and obviously isn't being supervised, especially if she's picking up language like that. It's not just once of because it's happened with at least 2 friends houses. You need to start clamping down and monitoring what your child is being exposed to.

I agree with this. The "shit" is quite lurid language for an 8 year old, but cross children have been putting Keep Out signs on their doors for decades.

I think what needs discussing is that the feelings are ok, but the way she has expressed them isn't. Telling you you are a "shit mum" when you put such effort in to caring for her is a hurtful thing to say, quite aside from the filthy language she has couched it in. She needs to have that made clear and told it is unacceptable, and she should apologise for insults.

But at the same time, she needs to be able to withdraw to manage her feelings, (we all need to sometimes), and the basic concept of asking for space and explaining why she wants it isn't a bad thing, so I wouldn't crush her with punishments or you will only drive these feelings deeper and make her feel she has zero autonomy, even in what she feels. That heavy-handed approach might work for a bit, but will have deeper repercussions.

I'd be low-key about asking for the apology, ("well never mind, but can you say sorry as that was insulting and hurtful") and maybe practise redrafting it when she has calmed down so she learns appropriate ways to express things, such as: "I'm feeling disappointed about the You Tube decision so please let me have some alone time while I'm feeling upset."

That is really what her sign is saying OP, she just hasn't learned to express it that way: it isn't that she thinks you are shit!

If she won't apologise and redraft it, then I think a punishment probably is in order ...

She has watched YT at two friends houses, she's not allowed it at ours.

I'd curb her going round for a long while and be clear it's because they negatively impact her behavior at home.

I'd also have a talk when calm and tell her her behavior was very disappointed and frankly makes it even less likely she'll get near youtube any time soon.

What did she see on YouTube?

I'd be very curious about that. Choosing stuff yourself online is a highly rewarding dopamine fix, especially with big media giants like YouTube, Facebook - even MN lol! She's up against it - as are all humans with screens...we accidentally got our 3y old at the time, addicted to the ipad (they'd just come out) and my god the screams and anger when it was removed completely from his life once we understood just how bad it was, was pretty horrific. But he calmed down very soon and life was way easier after.

Go deeper, what is about YouTube that she so wants?

If it's because they're watching a show on there, then I'd consider allowing her to watch exactly what it is they're watching so she can continue to bond with them and be part of things. But very fixed time limits and exact details.

However if it's make up tutorials or weird toxic shit and mindless scrolling, then of course not.

YouTube actually has some great educational resources for kids. it's worth checking out. I wouldn't demonise YouTube completely.

She's going to have to navigate her friendships without access to YouTube by the sounds of things so help her work out what that looks like and how she does it without needing to play the 'keeping up' game.

I'd be curious to know is she angry about not being able to see whatever the content was because she wants to discuss it with her friends or is it because she just wants full personal control - or maybe a bit of both. It may not be too early to explain just how addictive places like YouTube are...

And I'd just go a bit deeper about the obvious frustration. But hey, that's me. I like to support my kids and probe, not punish them unless there's a clear reason. Underneath anger is another emotion... find out what it is.

And I'd just laugh and say, yeah you know what, sometimes I'm a shit mum, but on this occasion when I said no, that's definitely one time I wasn't being a shit mum. No one is perfect... so I can take it and then just laugh. She's 8.

I'd remove the door sign permanently. I'd explain what a good mum does (eg keeps a child safe, feeds them, gives them a safe and comfortable home, shows them how to behave etc) and ask her if you do those things. Then describe what a bad mum does and ask her if you do those things. Then tell her you expect an apology and then you'll consider whether she is mature enough to have any access to the internet at all.

I just don't know why you'd give an offensive sign back to an 8 year old.

Very disrespectful language. Appalling. She should not even dare to write that let alone hang it up for you to see.
The fact that she has crossed so many lines of basic respect for parents should worry you as it can only escalate if not addressed. Consequences are necessary.

go to space. Without a space suit.

😂It's fine to laugh so long as they don't know ...

This ⬆️

There's a middle ground though between 'losing your shit' or 'throwing a tantrum' and saying 'hey that's not nice'. My reaction and tone would be calm but my words would not be so placid as that. Doesn't mean I would lose my shit, whatever you mean by that (screaming, shouting, throwing stuff?)