Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

I would probably consider it to be the sort of outburst that comes as a result of being overtired, hearing all kinds of words and phrases (not necessarily from you but just from being out and about in the world/kids at school/TV shows etc) combined with having to handle her own frustration at not being allowed on You Tube. It's not great behaviour but surely your larger goal would be to help her manage her frustrations rather than lash out in future - I think you can impose a draconian punishment but the danger is that she doesn't really learn a great deal from that.

I would leave it until she isn't as tired and things have calmed down and then talk about it with her, inviting her to tell you what it meant. Personally, I was never able to criticise my mother - I would have got a big negative reaction if I had done so and that has coloured my own style of parenting. I would always hear out any criticisms my children had of me, encouraging them to tell me what they thought, vent even and I would either argue my point of view strongly or apologise and admit my own failings. Trying to be perfect and insisting that everyone, including your own kid, agrees that you're perfect sounds like hard work to me.

My own daughter, now fully grown and not a delinquent, said something very similar to me at around the same age (she'd been watching a lot of Tracey Beaker) and we laugh about it now. Always stay connected to your own child and you don't have to be perfect - I doubt you are a shit parent by any means so have confidence in that and understand that a frustrated 8 year old might call you a lot of things that you definitely aren't.

My friends son aged 10 wrote "reason for divorce..You're fat" to his mum after the family broke up when his scumbag dad had an affair (one of many). He was obviously projecting his anger. Kids say the most horrible things in anger that they don't mean

Smacked backside will sort her out - little so and so.

I’d ignore it. She’s letting off steam. If she doesn’t see you reacting, it won’t become a big thing.

8 year olds using youtube? nope

the click-bait content, content cretins creators, influencers and the various rabbit-holes warps the minds of adults - never mind kids, not to mention the messaging/comment sections aspect

also, there's some pretty gory and grim stuff on there - police arrest cam footage, street violence and no-holds barred documentaries that fall into R-rated territory. Some of the podcasts are 18+ in terms of the material/content discusssed

If Youtube was a new platform introduced tomorrow, it would be age-restricted

When my daughter was younger she said once, “I’m going to find a better mother!” I said, “Okay, let me know how that goes for you.” Then, when she was about 11 or 12, she was assigned to write an essay about her hero. She wrote about me. Don’t take it too much to heart, OP. And don’t feed that fire, let it die down on its own. Might take a bit, but if you allow her other interesting options, she’ll calm down. She probably just wants to be like her friends. And you know that you can set up a child’s YouTube profile so it only offers programs suitable for children?

Why are you shouting over her, you are the grown-up, stop shouting.

Let her get it off her chest, give her an instant consequence - you can't use no youtube as a consequence because that is normal service in your home.

When she is more reasonable have a chat about what is really going on. IS she being ostricised because she isn't on YT and doesn't have the same baseline knowledge about something as her friends. I was that kid (with regards to TV) and it was particulaly hard at this age. You then need to find a balance, if the YT she is asking to watch is reasonable and safe, limit her to just that, or watch it with her, but YT is a normal form of media now, so finding a balance is key.

If you can't get her talking, I have found reading Lottie Brooks books with 8yo DD a good way to get conversations about this sort of thing started.

Yes. Because an 8 year-old child is learning how to deal with her feelings and has lashed out.

The mother is an adult and therefore has the capacity to see beyond the lashing out and see her child is trying to.understand a world that doesn't seem fair to her.

The mother also has to realise her daughter will not always like what mum decides for them and likely fightback at some point.

One is an adult with some understanding and knowledge, the other is a child.

Both are still learning, as we all are.

Anyway, I'm off to let my adult children know they're grandiose and unpleasant.

I agree. It makes me wonder at the level of tension in some MNers households, so many punishments and sanctions. What is left if their DC show real levels of poor behaviour? Pick your battles was the best parenting advice I was ever given.

This all the way

Does that mean just let stuff slide and only deal with what you can cope with?

I have a note from my son that says “You were a bad mummy today.” Perhaps bizarrely, I treasure it.

Or she'll think she can get away with being rude and disrespectful and do it more.

Why do you treasure it?

Mum is entitled to feel upset that a child has made such a statement about her and in seeking where she has learned language that is presumably unacceptable in their household. Child also needs to learn that swearing at a parent is unacceptable. Mum should in no way sit on her feelings or not express to her child how words can cause damage

I feel like it might be the prime age. Mine are younger but my sister just got her first ever ‘you are the worst mum ever’ from her 8 year old for telling him to stop asking for something every time they are at a shop.
I also have a very distinct memory of being the same age and my mum telling me no about something and I made her a beautiful homemade card and wrote inside it ‘I love my dad and my cat and that’s the only people I love’ - what a brat 😂.
the language is a bit crazy. My 10 and 8 year old nephews would never and they aren’t angels

Children need to know and see their parents are cross when they behave badly. Its not 'losing it', raising your voice or speaking with a harsh tone is how you express that.

Thats right, OP is the adult here and should be clear what about behaviour isnt acceptable from a small child.

I think the same. She doesn’t yet have the maturity to explain her feelings when she’s tired and fed up (some people never do!) I don’t know the child, but with my children it works to explain how I understand how they felt but here’s how it could be worded more politely and constructively.
I’m also big on not name-calling.
My children know that I’m always happy to be told “I’m feeling a bit grumpy/tired/whatever and would like a bit of time alone.” I sometimes warn them that I’m overtired and will be happy to chat later on!

Another one that worked on my son was: I don’t speak to you like that, do I? Please don’t talk to me like that.

I never have to use it anymore!

Oh for god's sake just laugh - and make sure to take a photo as a memento. Kids do this shit all the time and don't need you being super fragile about it.

Remove the sign for 3 days and then what? Put the sign calling OP a shit mum back up?!

As an aside, I see nothing wrong with a child watching youtube as long as you know what she is seeing. There's quite a lot suitable for children on there - and quite a lot that is not but as long as you are selective, what's the problem?

I googled, 'Recommended YouTube Channels for Ages 8+', and was quite impressed.

This must be why teachers don't want to stay in the profession. I would be coming down like a ton of bricks on this

At 8, I would have been wondering where she got the language from, why she has such strength of feeling (angry and shouting), and how she got the idea that she could say such things. I'm going to go out on a limb and say it's from the validating algorithm that's feeding her stuff it's learned that she likes (meaning she's spent more time on this stuff than you know), the stuff she's been watching on YT and elsewhere at other people's houses, and what's being talked about at school.

You need to talk to her calmly, because she needs reorienting. At 8, she should still be playing with a skipping rope and dressing up in your heels (or whatever other stuff she enjoys). Screens shouldn't play more than a glancing role in her life. It's your job to set her back on the right path, with understanding. These multi-billlion dollar corporations have hundreds of thousands of highly educated employees all working to attract and retain your child's attention. There's no way she can fight them by herself, that's your job. At 8, it's quite easy because distraction and removal of devices and incentives to try other stuff still work just wait till she's a teenager.

By parents who expect 8 year olds to behave like adults, but then have meltdowns themselves. Way to go.

If you send an 8 year old to school they'll have heard a lot worse than shit!