Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

Why would not letting his child disrespect their own mother mean he doesn’t do housework?

I'm genuinely shocked that so many people would punish a little girl so harshly for expressing her feelings.

And no, having a discussion with her about the reasons you don't allow YouTube and helping her understand that there are better ways of communicating, doesn't mean she will end up 'one of those kids'.

There's a whole world apart from what people are suggesting - conversation, understanding and compassion - to letting her "get away with it." This doesn't equate to having no boundaries either. The YouTube ban is still in place. It just means this girl is being given tools to express herself and communicate without fear.

No way would our kids speak language like this but no way would my dh allow me to be disrespected and not address something similar either

Personally I would give her a reason to call me a shit mum and would ban her iPad or whatever she uses for a full week plus no going anywhere but school for using swear words .

Does she need a consequence?

Can you not talk to her about the reasons you dont allow YouTube? The consequence in this case is, she doesn't get to watch it.

And for writing a rude word - tell her you don't use language like that in your house. She's entitled not to like every choice you make, but swear words are not to be said.

And for hurting your feelings? That's on you. Explain it's not a kind thing to day and ask her why she said it. But kids say shifty things at times, it doesn't mean they actually mean, or understand what they really mean.

Do you truly belive at 8 she doesn’t know what by she cannot be in YouTube and mum didn’t have that conversation a million times ?

"They"?
I thought it was only one, the op's daughter.

I'd ignore it, she'll feel differently after a good sleep.

I have literally no idea as I don't live with them.
Regardless, I wouldn't remove a door, or give them an old fashioned seeing to, or give them a reason to think I'm a shit mum as so many other people have suggested.

Are you joking? Her punishment is losing the abuse she wrote down? That's actually laughable.

Some of the parenting on this thread explains an awful lot about society these days.

Oh so her feelings need validation and OP has to deal with her hurt feelings and arent valid, because 'thats on her'.

This is how grandiose entitled unpleasant children are created.

I thought she would be at least 12, where on earth is she getting that attitude at 8? I think it’s screen addiction tbh

Agree

For three days! Then I'm guessing she puts it up again!

I think you need to read the full thread, or at least OP’s posts. The kid is kicking off because her mum won’t allow her screen time.

I mean, my mother would have thrashed me and I’d be in my room with nothing to eat for rest of day. I’m certainly not advocating that! But a withdrawal of privileges for a couple of days seams measured. Followed up with conversion and restoration once apology in place. The girl’s old enough to know why she can’t have unlimited internet and why she shouldn’t be hurtful. Surely better to sort this now before she tells her friends, her headteacher or, ultimately, her boss that they’re shit?

I am SO surprised by the responses here - I honestly would find that funny. You’ve said she was knackered from a load of travelling, and yes the language is horrible but most 8 year olds hear that word here and there (and know it’s an adult word).

I’m obviously in a minority but she was expressing anger with you, (which means she feels safe to do so - which is good), and was drawing her own boundary around her own space in what she thought was an adult way (also good - just horribly executed but she is 8 and still learning!).

I honestly see a lot of positives in this and learning and an opportunity for a really good conversation tomorrow. I wouldn’t punish her in some arbitrary way that’s unrelated to what she’s done either - I would try and connect with her and help her understand all the things that are wrong with putting up a sign like that.

I’m definitely a shit mum sometimes, who isn’t?

Oh please.….a good old chuckle indeed 🙄

No child of mine would do that a second time.

I absolutely wouldn't just leave it. She needs to know that her behaviour was unacceptable, regardless of what the fight was about. She's allowed to be angry but not horrible to people because of it.

I would address it in two ways. One, a proper consequence for the note with absolutely no conversation about YouTube- make it clear that her 'why' doesn't excuse her behaviour. Then some clear guidance on how she can appropriately show anger or frustration next time (maybe by role playing different strategies or talking about how you deal with disappointment from being told 'no' in your life).

I would never have written this to my mum and my kids would never write it to me. (And yes they're grown up so I do know that for sure.) Just categorically never. And nobody beat or scared anyone - we were just raised and then raised our kids with boundaries and respect.

No wonder there are so many entitled, unpleasant young people around with this kind of 'parenting'. You really can't whinge when your teens behave badly when you tolerate this kind of thing at 8. She knows that's bad behaviour and shouldn't be surprised when there are consequences.

I’d remove it and make a replacement sign reading ‘Please enter whenever you like, you are such a great mum!’ .

This. Kids need boundaries and clarity on what is acceptable, you don't need to and shouldn't indulge this behaviour. She needs to learn, at home and with her loving family, what is right and wrong. Otherwise she will learn elsewhere and the lesson might be much harsher.

No I wouldn’t do that either , that’s ridiculous I agree with you , but I would punish and talk , no access to iPad or similar for q week and depending on how she reacted to what she has done no activities apart from schools for a week . Swearing is nit ok at 8 and they know it fully well at that age

This is good advice, beautifully put. I may print it out to remind myself too.

It is so much easier to say from the outside (as opposed to being the frazzled parent with pushed buttons) but firm boundaries work better with loving acceptance than with harsh punishment.

I know it's hurtful in the moment but I wouldn't make too much of a fuss about the swearing - I think you give future swears too much power then. My personal line is drawn at eg "you're a shit" as opposed to using shit as a description, as your DD has.

Edit to add your child hasn't got the brain development yet to understand how hurtful this message is to you. She's expressed herself rudely, but quite creatively.

Children pushing boundaries is developmentally normal. OP needs to learn to manage the behaviour without losing it. OP is the adult here.

I would have some space then have a calm chat OP. I think the best thing a parent can do when they make mistakes is apologise and model healthy behaviour. So I would apologise for losing it, calmly discuss why you were upset and the reasons YT isn't age appropriate then offer to draw a line under it and move on.