Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

Please just think about what you mean by "mean". It sounds like you do expect her to understand your emotions and to appreciate that you are a person investing energy in being a good mum. Being mean would be knowing this and seeking to hurt you. She just doesn't know any of this - she doesn't know what being a mum even is! She wanted to say something bad because she didn't get something.

Similarly "disrespectful". What actually is respect. What kind of respect do you want from your children and why do you think she does not respect you?

And also, honestly, why are swear words bad? they're just powerful words. She reached for the most powerful one.

My experience of 8-12 is that their verbal power increases before their empathy does. Like they come into posession of a kalashnikov and just fire it at the ceiling casually at random!

My older one used to say breathtakingly shocking things, the kind of things an adult would avoid - things where you'd never, ever, go there. But on later interrogation, she simply didn't really know the real power of it, as she had no appreciation of the big adult experiences she was referring to.

I'd take the sign and tear it up (I'd probably take a photo first to amuse us all when she is grown up and well past this stage). Then I'd tell her - not gently but in a very hard voice - that she is perfectly entitled to disagree with my decisions but she is never ever to call me a shit mum and she needs to get that straight that right now.

My dh would also have probably talked to her.

Glad those years are well gone and we didn't really have to deal with the constant screens/tiktok/whatever you do now :)

This.

I picked my battles - their room could be messy but food left in them was a no -
but it did not mean accepting disrespectful, poor behavior or swearing.

I also agree does not need to be punitive punishment - natural consquences tend to work quiet well.

I got almost exactly this from my 8yo. I just wrote "I understand you are cross, I still love you." And pushed it under the door. She came out and gave me a hug. They are 8, they get their reactions wrong all the time and sometimes can't figure out how to take it back. Unless you are getting that level of disrespect all the time, maybe let it go the first time with a conversation later about how it hurt your feelings. That might be enough of a punishment!

Absolutely, you set the boundaries, and you stuck to them.

Your daughter put an angry note on her door, it sounds like she feels you don't understand her. Then the moment you decide to discuss it you shout and show anger at her.

You model the behaviour and you're asking where her anger comes from?

100% this. Never expect a child to behave or reason in the way an adult would.

Zero excuse for the language but there are lots of hormonal changes aged 6-9 that bring on mood swings outbursts etc which she may be experiencing my dd at this age thought every conversation was a personal attack against her

I’ll be honest, if there are no other issues other than “everyone’s mum lets them, why can’t you?” I’d show her exactly what a shit mum is. Sort yourself out then kid. Food , waking up in the morning, making her bag , no lifts and arranging things etc. for a few days.

I agree and I love your example. Acknowledging her feelings and telling her she was still loved is brilliant. It's saying you are allowed to be angry and I am going to just carry on loving you. I never had that. My parents were allowed to be angry, but when I was angry I was punished for it. I just needed to know I was valued, and I think you did that.

I think the OP's daughter had calmed down and was trying to take it back and in the middle of trying to make it right, was reminded of what she had done. She was embarrassed, and probably ashamed and didn't know how to process all that, so she lashed out.

We have to model the behaviour we want to see. It's ok to have big feelings, we still love you.

OP, these are the years that you lay down kind but very firm boundaries.
She's challenging you and she needs to know that this behaviour will get her nowhere.
The boundaries you lay now will pay dividends come the teenage years.

Explain to her these are the rules.
Rude tantrums only tell you that she is too young for You tube.

Some parents give in to everything because its easier, others parent their children and give them the security of boundaries.
Of course they will push back.
You need to realise this is all part of it and not take it too personally.

Let her see your calm firmness and that you will not be run rings around.

The soft parents in my circle had some very tough teenage years with some really bratty rude behaviour at home, all perfect in school) that caused them untold stress.

She needs to know you mean business.

I have done that on occaions as well - defused a situation.

Depends on the situation and the child in question TBH - but it can work without relenting on the boundary set and sometimes it gets thrown back in your face and adds fuel to situation.

Op did tried to camly talk to her about it today and got:

She immediately exploded, getting upset and shouting and me shouting over her.

So sending her to her room so they could both calm down at this point is pretty sensible in my view.

She can try later with I get you are upset but that the rule in this house what other people do in their houses doesn't change that. Also in this house that language and behavior is not acceptable. Then move on.

Humour like that is worth a try next time - but it's a bit beyond it now - and it doesn't always work.

Just reinforces the YouTube ban, doesn’t it?

She was angry about it because she was ashamed. She'd been trying to make it go away by scribbling it out and you reminded her.

Rightly, I might add.

I'd go down and make friends. Apologise for shouting at her and over her. You can't be judgy on the way her anger manifests itself when yours was crappy too. Acknowledge that - you didn't handle it properly, you let anger get the better of you, you're sorry. Do you model saying sorry when you're wrong in your house? Because that's the start of her feeling comfortable with saying sorry, that it's ok to acknowledge your mistakes, we all make mistakes and say things we shouldn't - but it's important to make up for it.

My husband joined our family when my son was 6 and at first he was deeply sceptical about saying sorry for how you respond to a child's outbursts - because they 'started it'. My view is that we are the adults, it doesn't matter what led to the altercation - always get in there and say sorry if you didn't handle it well, because eventually, they'll start doing that too.

I feel fully vindicated in this approach because my now adult son freely, abundantly and sincerely apologises if he has crossed a line. We have modelled the right thing to do.

ANYWAY. Go and say sorry. Tell her that you love her. That you want to move on from this as much as she does, and that it really isn't that big a deal - because it really isn't - but she does need to say sorry, just like you have done. Because when we upset someone - especially someone we love - we say sorry.

You seem to default to kneejerk punishments in the moment, rather than rational consequences. "We had a heated exchange so I took the TV remote away." That makes no sense - you're just exerting your control over her, and she will resent it. It's not discipline. It's punishment.

Here, that kind of behaviour would lead to a withdrawal of co-operation. We need to work together, we're a team, we're on the same side, I am not the enemy - but while you're treating me like I am, it makes me less inclined to want to co-operate and work as a team with you. We can either help each other out, treat each other like civilised human beings, or we can carry on like this - it's up to you.

Then the next time I got a 'mum can you give me a lift to....?' I would remind her of the co-operation/same team thing.

What would be a rational consequence then please?

Your daughter is out of order OP and you need to hold firm on YouTube etc. however I also think you need to talk to her and see if everything is ok as that sort of explosion should be quite out of character. Maybe her friends are being mean as she’s not allowed screen time or similar? There could be something going on that’s causing her more upset regarding you not budging on YouTube so see if you can get her to open up about that rather than just assuming she’s acting like a toddler because she’s not getting her own way.

Your husband wants to raise a monster. I cannot fathom getting away with something like this!

.

A good old fashion sorting out is what some kids need. Not this gentle parenting nonsense.

You are doing the right thing. I would never have let that go. You are teaching her that it is not acceptable to be rude to you, just because she cannot get her own way. You’ve drawn a line, and she will learn that if she crosses that line, there are consequences.

My kids are 16 and 18. There have been many times when they have not agreed with our parenting choices, but they accept them, because we have made boundaries for them and enforced those boundaries since they were little. I would hate to have to deal with them now, if we hadn’t fought every single one of those battles when they were little. I would not stand a chance now.

Keep at it @Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse . Stay firm. Teach her what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour. Do not let her talk/write about you like that—unless you want her screaming it in your face, in a few years time, when she’s bigger than you are.

It’s about respect. It’s not about taking the easy route and just ignoring it. Do you not have any boundaries or expectations around behaviour?

wow. Id be removing the door and tell her now you know what a shit mum is. Some of these comments on here are why kids are like what they are.

No i am not.

She loses the sign as a punishment. It doesn't warrant anything else except a discussion on how it was hurtful.

Let me guess, he doesn't do any housework either?

Remove the sign for 3 days?

What happens after the 3 days