Do not enter-you are a s**t mum

[Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse]

This is what my 8 year old wrote on her door handle thing, that you can hang over your door.
Following another argument about not being allowed on YouTube, she stormed upstairs, shut the door and put this sign on the handle, she then fell asleep.
We were travelling lots at the weekend and are all lacking sleep. Dh says to just leave it, but I find it upsetting and was shocked she'd written it.
None of us have mentioned it yet.

What would you do?

She has now @Getthosesquishiesoutofthehouse

Have you discussed this further with your husband? Are you sure he doesn’t allow unsupervised access?

oh and maybe say you can watch youtube together - great bonding experience showing you're interested in her - but it isn't ok for 8 year olds on their own because she could come across stuff that she might not want to see

I like this approach. Getting her to talk about what it means and then asking her if she thinks its a great way to communicate.

Only works when she's calm. I quite liked saying to them, "We will discuss this when you have calmed down" as they knew it wasn't over and they weren't getting the argument they'd hoped for.

I was thinking I'd probably say
"How would you feel if I put up a notice on the front door that said "DD is a shit daughter? signed Mum." or ask what if I distributed that notice to all our family? How would you feel?

I think you will both laugh about it in time.
I remember putting a note in my bed, when an older cousin had to stay which said Why don't you sleep on the sofa.
Luckily for me it was never mentioned.

These days, 8 yr olds think like 13 yr olds and 13 yr olds think they are 18

I find this quite funny actually OP. It made me quietly chuckle. I like a bit of spirit in kids.
She is obviously very angry and I personally think kids should be allowed to express their anger within a safe space.
I couldn't get offended or upset about this if it was my DD.
Take comfort from the fact she feels safe enough at home to do this followed by falling asleep afterwards. She isn't scared of you -and take it from someone who knows only too well - that is a good thing.

My 8 year old would probably write this sort of thing in anger, but he'd reflect and apologise of his own accord I think.

"We pick our battles". I hear that from parents a lot. I wish some of them would just realise that they're avoiding dealing with issues, which has resulted in the current predicament with their child.
Another one we get a lot is "what can you do"?
I'm fairly fed up with both phrases.
Just be very clear about your expectations, particularly around the level of respect in your home. No need to be punitive, but you're absolutely right about YouTube.

The language was the thing that triggered you? Just to inquire gently, why do you feel you can't let it go? What are you worried about or scared of? Is there a part of you that feels hurt and not seen for all the work you do? This is a common feeling as children get older - it's really normal to feel quite desolate and hurt by them, but they are fighting their own battles with the world, it isn't about you. xx You are a good mum.

That's good!

My dd wrote I hate mummy on her bed frame when she was a similar age - can’t remember exact circumstances but def me saying she couldn’t do something she wanted to do (maybe eating all of her Halloween sweets). She’s nearly 17 now and it’s still there - we find it quite funny. At the time I think I just said ‘oh well never mind, I still love you’ and that was it - probably not the reaction she was hoping for! I wouldn’t react in your shoes - that’s almost certainly what she wants - a fuss, a row, attention - just take it off her door and put it away somewhere.

And as for posters saying 'where on earth is she getting this language from aged 8', what planet are you actually living on in 2026???

I would consider this proof that she is too young for YouTube, remove the sign and all screen access and have a calm but firm conversation.
Expressing upset or frustration is fine, but disrespect & language like this at 8? Absolutely not. It’s a prime opportunity to demonstrate that actions bear consequences and that respect in your home should be a given.
It’s tough, but not dealing with this niw will only bring trouble later.

Not hurt her saying it as know she doesn't mean it, but shocked that she would write something so disrespectful, mean and using swearing

I wonder if she's getting teased a bit at school because she isn't allowed to watch YT, and some of her friends are? That might be why she's angry?

My youngest used to always leave me notes to find explaining exactly why I’m shit. She’s nearly 30 now and I remind her of it often.

My niece once wrote my SIL a 2side a4 essay on how she could be a better mum - it was a very polite essay tbf but was basically ‘this is where you’re going wrong, sort your shit out!’ kinda vibe

Is it a girl thing? I never had boys - but I can’t imagine my DGS(9) writing 2 pages of anything!

Why did your daughter do that? Did you ever find out?

100% this

On here ? If she knows mum comes on here and has looked herself.

Nope, my son (as documented earlier) waa quite adept at telling it like it was. Or at least how he saw it.
My daughter was far more inclined to write and say lovely things. I think it's just how some kids express themselves.

Jeezo. Your children must be perfect.

I think she was angry when she wrote it and then the next day, when she saw it on the table she was sorry and was trying to make it better/make it never have happened.

She tried to make amends by scribbling it out, but when the OP asked her about it she hadn't fully processed her feelings. She felt reminded that she had done a bad thing at the exact moment that she was trying to fix it. Her head was in the "fixing it" phase and not yet in the "able to talk about it" phase.

And the result was her anger because she felt she was doing a good thing to make up for her behaviour and the OP reminded her of her earlier poor behaviour.

These are big emotions for her to process.

I would have thanked her for scribbling it out and said something like, "Thank you for removing the words. When I saw what you had written I felt very sad and upset, but I can see now that you are trying to make up for it and I feel happy that you are doing that".

I use the formula "when you do x, I feel y" a lot because both are true and it helps children to learn that others can have difficult feelings too.

I would also focus on the good behaviour and ignore the bad and start saying things like, "I really like it when you help out; I can see that see you are working hard and I feel really proud of you; when you are playing quietly I think that's lovely."

If children get more attention when they misbehave than when they behave, they will misbehave to get the attention, even if that means being shouted at.

colonialism ?! I nearly spat out my tea.

Yep. Reflect on what the signals are of good order, control and discipline, in our schools and society. Suppression of non compliance to maintain order. 'Talking back' viewed as mutinous threat. Uniforms. Sameness. Upright body postures. They are all about signalling an Imperial distance from the cultures the lovely British Empire was subduing, and to make us feel like controlling rulers in our own bodies who would do what the leaders said not follow their.own agenda. Try and imagine that the world is not like that automatically. It is true that our culture of hierarchy and coercion is a choice, and has not been in place for the majority of humanity's history.

Also western culture holds deep roots of puritan culture and the idea of original sin, that children are naturally wayward and idle and must be pushed into activity we think is right for them.

Interestingly, we see a cultural norm in some people of global majority backgrounds in the UK of hyper-obedience and expectation of incredibly good behaviour towards authority from children. This is absolutely a legacy of the oppression of empire. Keep your nose clean and support the hegemony of power, so you don't get crushed.

I am kind of amazed you're doing a performative tea-spit, @LeftFooter !

History affects what we think is normal and common sense. We have all grown up in a culture that has its roots in earlier culture, so what we think we feel is a big mix of our own upbringing, culture signals from around us, and the views we personally develop using our heads.

It's anti-intellectual to do a faux laugh and pretend that small everyday things cannot be analysed against the broad sweep of history.

I think that’s a bit heavy handed.

Ask her what a ‘shit mum’ looks like to her. She will be embarrassed that you are repeating that language. Use her definition to disprove her; tell her that if she has an issue with someone close to her, it’s best to sleep on it because it may seem smaller in the morning. If it doesn’t, you discuss it in a way that might resolve the issue, rather than making it worse.

Lastly, you tell her that there are rules regarding language in your house- you don’t swear at her, and you don’t expect to be sworn at either.

Oh, and it’s last chance saloon for the door thingy. If it happens again, it’s in the bin!

A doctor told me that from 8 they can be swirling with pre-puberty -or puberty - hormones. Could be this.

Fine ask her to explain it - in front of her teacher. I bet the bad mannered little madam wouldn't dare.