I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

He has no respect for his own home, why would he respect yours? If he can’t do the minimum like not chuck towels on the floor and go upstairs in shoes when you’ve repeatedly asked home then it doesn’t seem like he’d change.
Don’t live together

disagree wet towels on the bathroom floor make me murderous- by all means do it your own home but to someone ele's- what a child this man is

He doesn't have any respect for your home and had no intention of fitting into it. He wants a maid so you absolutely did the right thing. Find someone who respects you!

Some people have low standards apparently.
You asked him several times and he didn't respect you enough to listen. I'm not surprised you lost your temper.
Please don't live with him, you will end up nagging (repeatedly asking him to do something because it is important to you which he will ignore because he doesn't care/ is lazy / a twat) and he will continue to wear you down by calling you a psycho etc until you are his house maid.
I wouldn't have any respect for this man just for the psycho comment. That's a typical controlling move

Please let's move in together, it'll be great!
Translation: will you be my new mummy.

Get rid, stay rid.

I do not think you guys should be together at all, you will just end up resenting him and hating him. He sounds like a baby with no manners!

If said woman said she left her stuff everywhere in his house, refused to throw stuff away, expected him to clear up after her and wore shoes indoors even when asked not to numerous times I’d certainly not being calling him controlling I’d be calling her lazy and entitled.

I grew up in a house where we were allowed to wear shoes wherever. I have NEVER worn shoes in someone’s house where they have asked me to take them off. Why is it ok to disrespect someone like that?

You shouldn't do it, but got to give him a little cheer for the coffee jar.

No, no I did not 🙈

I am a very tidy person. I could not live with someone who wasn't. This won't work for either of you. Either carry on as you are or move on.

This isn’t how you work but basic respect for your house. He is a grown man and shouldn’t be doing these things

You are being unreasonable to think this is someone you should have anything to do with …..yuck!

Well done OP! He's not the one for you am afraid.
You will spend your time together cleaning up after him, he's not going to change his ways. Not at all, never.

He's not shown any willingness to respect your home and your ways during a trial period - you know, the time when we try out best! He couldn't be bothered to do that tells you everything you need imo (and with the name-calling, fuck that).

It isn't ok, but it sounds as though he took them off when reminded. He just had to be (here I wipe my sweat-bedewed brow 😤) reminded.

Also, was the house you grew up in "trashed"?

Ugh, he is a pig.

Lota of people could and do put up with this and are either messy themselves or go round cleaning up after their slob partner but that just isn't something I could ever tolerate. My brothers and dad are clean and tidy (more than I am!) so I grew up expecting men to put empties in the bin, dirty clothes in the laundry basket, hang up wet towels. As a bare minimum and I could never be attracted to someone who was happy to live in mess.

You aren't compatible, don't let him worm his way back in with promise of change. In 3 days he showed you that he was trying to train YOU to accept his slobbiness.

Never going to work OP (him moving in), eventually most women figure out men are not worth living with and choose to keep their sanctuary man-free.

You can have a relationship with a man without living with one. He might not like it (many don't) but that's tough shit.

If anything happened to my DH, I wouldn't live with another one if you paid me.

This one isn’t house trained.

Put the entire man in the bin.

This is him on his best behaviour. Desperate to move in.

You are clearly vastly incompatible. Date him if you must, but there is no future happiness cohabiting. Not even sure you’d manage a weekend away together tbh!

Really surprised at some of the comments on here. He sounds extremely trying and yes it sounds like it's not going to work but screaming at him and throwing his stuff out of the window? Sounds like he's had a lucky escape.

I don't usually like the 'if a woman/man posted this' comparisons but if he had thrown your stuff out the window and told you to get the fuck out of his house, I don't think many posters would be cheerleading it. They will be here in a moment claiming that they would though.

The coffee jar not being moved is a bit much. As others have said you are not compatible and will likely make each other very unhappy.

Why does a grown assed man need reminding to do the basics?

Well, I'm quite picky about my environment, and you're even pickier than me.

But what's wrong with that? It's YOUR environment. And you're not the one who's desperate to move in together.

Obviously people have different standards of tidiness/cleanliness. But what really strikes me about all this is that he just couldn't be bothered to make any effort at all. In fact, it sounds as though he was deliberately pushing your boundaries. And now he's worried he's blown it, so he's trying to edge his way back in. This is a man who is trying to work out the bare minimum he needs to do in order to get you to put up with him and pick up after him.

He doesn't sound very nice, to be honest.

Speaking as a woman who has done exactly this to a pile of stuff dumped on a freshly made guest bed by xh, and as the daughter of a woman who threw an entire pile of dirty dishes out of the kitchen window, just dump the scruffy sod.

Why would you want a way back. Your choice is be with him and relax your rules about your space, or be without him and live the way that suits you. Unless he is the absolutely perfect guy in every other way (doubtful) he isn’t worth giving up what’s important to you.