I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

My thought exactly.

I think you are awesome. Can you come and sort my husband out? Why can't they put the fucking coffee jar back in the fucking goddamn bloody cupboard!! It's right there, it takes less than half a bloody second!!!

If you really love him and want to make it work, he might get it eventually, my mum did train my Dad although I have failed with my husband! and it'll be hard work and there will be many days like this. Or just stay together but don't live together.

Although I believe OP can be as fussy as she wants as she lives alone I did chuckle at his coffee jar move and would have done the same. I had a bf I used to stay with for weeks on end (even though I owned my own flat). I’m not a slob but he was exceptionally fussy about stuff I found inconsequential. The cutting of cheese being one. He would fuss and complain if I didn’t slice it straight. I used to try and do it straight but he’d still complain so I thought fuck this and would deliberately cut it at a slant, I’d do the same with the bread as well. I split from him in the end because I’d had enough. He wasn’t ND, I think it was a symptom of his chaotic childhood but that wasn’t my job to fix.

He's either forgetful or he's disrespectful. Either way I can't see a happy relationship if you cohabit. If you like him enough you could continue in separate homes but he may still drive you mad even when he's visiting.

This.

I think he's done you a favour by not pretending. A lot of men pretend for a bit (so they CAN do it, it's not that they're literally incapable of picking up their own shit) but then revert to this sort of behaviour once firmly embedded.

I'm married to one who's like this to a lesser extent (he does do a tiny amount and he works longer hours) with kids, so now it's tricky to leave - it will suprise no-one that this only became apparent once we'd had children. At this point, I'd be destroying my children's lives and plunging us all into poverty over his inability to pick up a coffee cup or take shoes off in the hall. And he's great in other ways. But it is soul destroying. There is currently a small pile of plates and cups next to the sofa chair he sits in. When he gets up from there he could easily bring it all with him and put in the kitchen. But he doesn't. I'm a much messier person than you OP and I can tell you it IS soul destroying. Unless he's bringing some pretty outstanding other things to the relationship, he's not worth your time.

Whatever they say, the reason they do this is that they think females are support humans.

I have no problem doing all the cooking, all the household bills, laundry, childcare, school pick ups etc as he works longer. However, I do think ultimately it's a sign of disrespect not to do something that takes 2 seconds and is very easily done while you're there, such as take off shoes at the door, when you've made it clear that's very important to you. He's telling you he doesn't really care about you or what matters to you.

Obviously the way you keep your home is important to you. Unless you're ok with doing literally all the housework for two (and probably everything else) and him not lifting a finger, and to be clear you shouldn't be ok with that, then this relationship will not work. Be glad you found out at this point and move on, alone.

You’re his girlfriend not his servant.

Why would you want to come back from this?

Get rid before he ruins your life and your home. Fucking men, ugh.

How on earth are you going to live together? You have totally opposite standards and ways of living, he repulses you, you've thrown his stuff out of the window, he's an absolute pig, you've lost it at each other how many times in a short space of time.

Why on earth are you asking if there's any way back? You both can't stand each other.

For what it's worth, I dated a guy years ago, and the first time I had him over to my house, he kept popping out and buying energy drinks (yuck) from the local shop, drank them, and then dumped them, empty, on whichever surface was closest. The bin was right there so God knows why he can't have just used it! The flat was brand new at the time, and he messed it up. He also managed to break my new blinds. I got rid of him.

Some people, women as well as men, are just used to being tidied up after, or else are scruffy pigs. Either way you are incompatible.

Two things can be true OP. He can be a slob and you can be OTT/OCD ish. I couldn't get excited over a coffee jar being moved, things not being exactly as you left them is part of living with someone. On the other hand, leaving piles of clothes and wet towels on the floor is just plain lazy and slobby. Leaving his shoes on repeatedly sounds like an act of defiance. You sound incompatible, and he seems overly desperate to move in with you, so I personally would end it and move on. However it might be worth asking yourself if there were areas where you could have lightenend up a bit.

You're not compatible to live together. It's doomed. He doesn't care. You care too much. My libido and joy would be stopped dead by someone talking to me like I'm their child regarding house rules.

Fuck no. I've been widowed a couple of years and it's why I'll never live with another person again. My DH was a messy person his whole life and just expected me to clean and pick up after him. Wet towels on the floor is teenage behaviour and if he hasn't grown out of it by now he never will. Bin him off.

You sound completely uncompromising. You don’t need to give up your standards completely when you live with someone but you do need to be able to compromise on the little things and identify and agree what the big things are that you need in order to be happy. If you can’t compromise on anything at all then you are asking him to give 8n to you on everything and that is unreasonable.

People have different tolerances of messiness (my house would drive you crazy @Drakula !). But the red flag here is that
a) he’s desperate to move in. Why???
b) he seems to expect you to clear up after him.

Either be together living apart, or end it. He expects a woman to clean up after him and he’s made no effort to respect your space.

Lots to think about for you, OP. Good luck.

First post nails it. What else do you need to know. Good for you throwing all his shit into the garden.

Why would you want to come back from it? He’s shown you who he is. Believe him. You’re not compatible to live together so you either date forever or you move on without him.

I wouldn't bother trying to come back from it, to be honest. You're not compatible and his parting shot with the coffee jar shows how petty he is.

You overreacted by throwing his stuff out the window but I understand why. You have tried simply 'reacting' to his lack of consideration but he chose to ignore you - repeatedly. I can all but guarantee he would have continued to ignore your reminders until you lost your shit.

For what it's worth, I'm a messy person but nothing you asked of him was unreasonable. He's just a disrespectful prick.

It was day 3. After a life of not taking his shoes off, (which I think we can agree is something many households don't do. There are often threads on here complaining about being asked to), it probably didn't come naturally.

It is perfectly OK she asked him to, but her reaction was so violent and I am not sure why people are vindicating it. If a man lost his shit like that because his (ultimately inconsequential, though I accept they are OP's choice) rules were not heeded unfailingly after three days, MN would think he was abusive.

Oh i had a bf who went mental cos the coffee wasbt daced forward each time i used it.
You are to set in your ways to adapt so live with your coffee where you like..
Throwing his belongings out of the windows abit extreme.
It depends on what you value..id leave the poor guy alone

No it's not going to work. Just imagine all of his stuff in your house for a start! My DH has filled my house with way more clothes than a man would normally have, 8 shelves of CD's and vinyl's, shitloads of car stuff......more stuff arrives every week.....

Ooft, you sound a nightmare tbh. But it’s your house and you are entitled to live like that if you want. You and he do not sound compatible - understatement - so if you wish to continue things, then stay living separately. If he doesn’t like that, then tough, its over. I think he will have had a lucky escape myself. Who TF gets so obsessed over where coffee goes…?

Agreed. Sorry but I think op sounds nuts and I’d be amazed if she ever found someone compatible. Someone should not be scared if they forget to put a coffee jar back.

Are you kidding??? This is an adult man not a teenage boy why are your expectations so low?

OP you have dodged a bullet... He sounds like a slobby teenage boy, definitely not long term life partner material!

You are not compatible, OP.

You shouldn't have to put up with his mess if you find it stressful and being constantly reminded and nagged will make you both miserable.

Time to move on, I think.

I mean... clothes in the garden may have been a bit of an overreaction, but you are clearly not compatible and if I were you I would likewise be very protective of the lovely home I'd created for myself.

If he doesn't respect you enough to do things like a grown up your way during a three day trial (when you'd think he'd be on his best behaviour!) then he'd make you utterly miserable if you actually moved in together. Probably for the best that you didn't tiptoe around it and try not to hurt his feelings. Honest feedback is useful.

You're ending it though, right?

Any adult leaving a wet towel on the floor deserves to live alone. It’s just ridiculous