I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

Don't take any blame here. you have your standards and he couldn't adhere to them for 1 night. do not waste any more time.

Yeah, but then there's always Richard E Grant on Celebrity Traitors... oh, hang on.

This was a trial and look how he behaved - let him back and you’ll be cleaning up after him for the rest of your life!

Live close by visit often is my mantra

No way OP.

He will do just enough to get you to let him move in to your lovely clean house and treat you like a maid. He’s got it all planned out!!

He won’t change forever though so you’ll just be unhappy - just cut it off now!

I agree with PP who say get rid. How bloody dare he come and in trash your nice clean peaceful home? You've had a lucky escape and I also agree that it seems mighty suspicious that he's so desperate to get his feet under the table. Bloody cheek of the idiot.

Tbf you do sound a bit OCD if you are that concerned about the coffee jar.. do you think you could live with anyone?

Did you read the thread title?

This is a loving relationship. There is a difference but the poster and her husband accept their differences and trying to work through it. @Drakula s manchild was disrespectful and made no effort in the trial which is completely different. Well worse actually as he tried to wind OP up deliberately with the coffee jar!

Lucky escape

At least he didn't fling the wet towel on the bed - a pet hate of mine - why make the bedding wet. Think I've successfully trained DH not to do that but he reverts in hotels. Which ironically is the one place where leaving the towel on the floor is acceptable so the staff know to replace it!

You are right when you say it isn't going to work

Besides not being compatible, why is he so desperate to move in? Why does he want to do this, and to make up, with someone who would make him walk on eggshells (I’m not criticising you for this, but with your different standards that’s what it would be like), and who just threw his stuff in the garden and shouted at him to get out?

I mean, there’s something wrong here isn’t there? He’s either got extremely low self-esteem, or (and I suspect) the benefits to him moving in outweigh all that. Either way not a good situation.

Well Done OP. Do not let him move in. This was him on his best behavior, can you imagine what he would be like when he isn't trying.

He sounds like at best a man child or more likely a cock lodger.

He's a pathetic manchild who wants you to do everything for him. There is no way on earth any man will be moving into my home. Of course he is desparate to move in with you. His home must be very depressing to live in and has no live in cleaner in it. Lucky escape in my view.

I'm sorry but the defiant last moving of the coffee jar made me laugh. You are clearly very far from compatible, OP. Either date separately or split up.

Well this is never going to work, is it?

He should have made a little more effort to respect your rules for your space, but you also sound incredibly uptight and obsessive.

If a woman came on here and said 'My partner sneers at my home because my furniture's from Argos and then threw my possessions out of an upstairs window and shouted at me because I forgot his rules about where I'm allowed to wear shoes' everyone would be telling her that he's a controlling arsehole and she needs to run a mile.

Either way - you aren't going to make each other happy. You're vastly incompatible and you're both going to be miserable living together.

I suspect you'd be miserable living with anyone if your reactions are that extreme.

This.

If it’s someone else’s home you have to meet their standards. He doesn’t respect women so he thinks they should clear up after him.

Don’t do it OP. I’m just moving into my own home after thirty years of cleaning up after someone. It never gets better and you’ll never win an argument with someone like this or make them change their ways. They may for a while but they’ll creep back.

I'm fanatically tidy too and no way would I tolerate this but screaming and flinging his clothes our of the window is nuts. Such drama. Just wait til he's left, clean up, then message to say the relationship isn't working out for you. Elaborate if he pushes for details but if someone threw my clothes out of the window, I'd end the relationship myself. Did he have to go outside in a towel to retrieve his clothes?!

"Trashed it?"

He left a damp towel on a hard floor, and moved a coffee jar. As for the shoes, plenty of people wear shoes in the house. It's absolutely fair enough if the OP doesn't want that, but he hasn't exactly "trashed" the place. Trashing would be knocking over his drink on the carpet and not mopping it up, not moving a coffee jar.

I'm sorry OP but there's another perspective: aside from ND, the most tedious, uneducated and small-minded people I know obsess over inconsequential things like coffee jar placement. They do generally tend to manage not to scream and chuck stuff out of windows though.

It might - just might - not be only you who has a point here.

Anyway, whoever is right or wrong, you are clearly not compatible.

You are both too different in lifestyles for it ever to work living together. You have every right in your own home to be as fastidious as you want, and he has every right to be slovenly in his. But merging those two styles will be a disaster and it’ll be your home that will bear the brunt.

I mean some of it I wouldn't die in a ditch over like coffee jar but it's your house so your rules. I also dislike shoes inside so that would be a hard no. I am not sure the throwing things out the window as a proportionate response but it's done now.
I think if you are very incompatible it may be tricky for this to work longer term.

Yabu to throw this belongings out of a window. That's unhinged!
Yanbu to want high standards in your own home so you are not compatible

I stand by what I say - it is a violation of her home.