I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

A WET towel.

I really can’t see this man turning in to the kind of person you feel behaves acceptably. It’s fine that you like things a certain way and he does not seem able to adapt to that. Just imagine if you got to the point of having children together!

He was an arsehole and you didn’t have your finest hour. But honestly, why on earth are you thinking of subjecting yourself to more of this? I’ve never read about a couple less compatible.

End it and end it now. This is not going to change, this is who he is. He has no pride and is lazy and dirty.

Of course he’s itching to move in, he wants someone to keep his place clean and cook his dinner rather than living in his grotty little house.

I wouldn’t be able to find someone attractive who was so pathetic at doing basic human things like keeping clean and tidying.

You're obviously set in your ways and happy with that, and there's nothing at all wrong with that, but it means you're incompatible. You could maybe apologise for the overreaction while being clear you don't think it's going to work out.

You had a fit and didn't behave well but I don't think that the stuff you asked him to do was unreasonable. Tidying up after yourself and not walking around inside with shoes on aren't exactly complicated rules that are out of the ordinary (although a lot of people have coffee jars out). I'd be worried though if he can't stick to these rules when he is on his best behaviour in a trial, its likely to go a bit more wrong if he was around for longer periods eg laundry hanging about, arguments about housework etc

I don’t think you’re at all unreasonable to be cross with how he’s treating your house - it’s not like you haven’t been clear, and these things aren’t hard. I’m on the slovenly side, but if it mattered to the person I am with I’d be making damn sure I upped my game (I’m not nearly as bad as him btw, just saying I’m not a natural clean freak).

It was unreasonable to yell and chuck things out of the window, but I think you know that, and it doesn’t make you overall “in the wrong” at all. I guess you absolutely know, and are v sad, that it’s not going to work deep down. Your mission in life is not to have the raising of an adult who should know better and whose habits are clearly very ingrained. It’s a huge shame.

You’re totally incompatible, clearly. I’m not sure why you’d want to find a way back. He’s a slob, and is disrespectful of your home. He sounds like a student, not a grown man.

Trials are good for a reason! This one did not pass the probation period lol.

Indeed. People are usually on their very best behaviour at first, but he knew the things that annoyed her and kept on doing them anyway.

I'd bin him off, OP.

But it wasn’t just one coffee being left out episode or one wet towel left out. It was multiple times in a short period of time when he should have been trying hard.
You just aren’t compatible op. He sounds far too hard to train to even a compromise standard.

If this is how he behaves on his first time staying at her home, what else is to come?

Would you seriously go and stay at someone’s home for the first time and leave a wet towel, clothes and shoes screwed up on the bathroom floor? I don’t believe that you actually find that acceptable.

Children know that their dirty clothes belong in a washing basket and that towels get hung up.

He's now begging forgiveness knowing how nice your house is compared to his. That you'll keep the place tidy. He foolishly thinks he can convince you he'll adhere to your standards then he'll never bloody leave.

Who tf leaves wet towels on the floor?! Like why would you do that? He's grim and definitely he's not staying round anymore never mind moving in.

What does ‘coming back from this’ look like? You suddenly being ok with shoes upstairs (no), clothes dumped where they land (hell no), and wet towels on the floor (absolutely fuck no).
Of course if it was a please don’t do xyz that he responded to or tried his best then fair enough, but this sounds poles apart…

You just don’t sound compatible to be living together - my DD is like this, can’t rest until every flat surface in sight has one of her possessions on it. It’s infuriating for a tidy person but it’s just how she is, she honestly doesn’t see the clutter. Her brother, fortunately is like me or I think I’d have run off with the circus living with two scruffs!

Sorry OP this did make me laugh. You're not compatible, better to find out now than when you're entwined financially or with kids. Well done for the trial - that was a really good move!

You are not compatible Op.

It's never a good idea to move in with someone if you have misgivings - and you clearly do or things like the coffee jar wouldn't irritate you so much.

Wet towels on the floor is annoying and disrespectful BUT your response was way OTT. I'm not sure why posters are giving you the "You Go Girl" congratulations and egging you on.

It was unhinged. How are you ever going to develop the patience to tolerate children?

I am the messy one in our relationship and DH is OCD, we live together but it’s constant for 20 years still arguing about if I put the towel back in the right place. I can not live up to his standards and never will be able to. He has accepted that and tries not to get annoyed… we cope and manage living together.
He has never gone to the levels of throwing my stuff out the window, or screaming at me over it, sorry but if it makes you that stressed you should never ever live together.
DH and I often say that if we had the money then we would buy two houses next to each other and I could leave my little piles of stuff and notepads and towels where I want and he could have everything in it’s exact place.
You can’t live with this man it’s will drive you BOTH insane.

You aren't compatible, you don't really know anyone until you live together. Protect your space by keeping him out of it 😂

He won't change, this would be the end for me . You are just not suited to living together .

A ‘normal’ human would be on their best behaviour when being a houseguest. Even more so if they had the incentive of it being a trial to show how compatible they’d be as a live in partner.

He did a big ‘fuck you’ with his actions. He wanted to show you that he’s boss and your basic rules (shows off, tidy up after yourself etc) were beneath him.

He didn’t accidentally leave a dirty cup out or forget to take his shoes off once- he figuratively marked his territory and pissed all over it whilst smirking and trying to make you out to be the neurotic baddie.

Get rid of him, he obviously doesn’t like you or, I bet, any women having boundaries that he doesn’t like.

Oh god no, you are definitely not compatible to living together.

Haha at this. He sounds slobby.

You are both unreasonable - him for being lazy and ignoring your requests, and you for throwing all his stuff out of the window and screaming.

You are not compatible - you like things just so, which is fine for you. He doesn’t care about tidiness as much, which is fine for him.

This isn't how the Nescafé ads are meant to go.