I had a full blown hissy fit, is there any way back?

[Drakula]

Been dating someone for around a year. He wants to live together but I’m very protective of my space, very houseproud and wasn’t sure if I could handle it so we started spending the odd weekend night at each others houses to trial things.

I found his house utterly depressing. There is no colour, none of the furniture match and it’s all old and plain. And by old I don’t mean tastefully old but decades old Argos style furniture all scuffed etc. It smells funny and nothing seems to have its place. I started making excuses not to go and in the end told him why so he said it’s because he never had visitors so didn’t see the point.

When he stayed at my house I had to regularly remind him to take his shoes off in the hallway, to put the coffee jar back it it’s place after moving it, to bin packets rather than just leaving them around etc

Hes getting desperate to move in so I suggested a trial week where he stayed at mine for a week. It’s lasted 3 days 😱

He arrived on Friday night, by Saturday I’d lost count of how many times I’d told him about the coffee jar. Numerous times I told him to take his shoes off, he left wet towel on the bathroom floor on Saturday night and I snapped, we had a falling out where he accused me of being “OCD” about stuff. I I explained that this is my house and I won’t apologise for the way I keep it clean and tidy. We moved on.

Last night I went into the bathroom to see he’d left the wet towel on the floor, a pile of clothes AND his shoes meaning he had walked upstairs in his shoes. I just lost it, opened the bathroom window and chucked all his stuff out of it. When I went downstairs I informed him that everything he left in the bathroom is now in the garden. He went ape shit saying I was a psyco and I totally lost it and screamed at him to get the fuck out of my house and take all his shit with him. When he left I saw that he’d deliberately moved the coffee jar to the other side of the kitchen.

Since then he’s messaged me multiple times apologising saying he just needs to get used to how I work but I’m thinking this is just not going to work is it? How can you come back from that?

If it's this bad before he's even moved in it's going to go very steeply downhill from here. Don't do it!

Nailed it.

That's why he's desperate to get himself moved in, and why he's apologising now.

Its a scent marking,' I'm here now 'thing . They come into your house , know the rules but do it anyway. A kind of putting down ownership
My ex husband would do that all the time when he came round to my new home to see his son , especially if I was out . I once let him stay over for a weekend when I was away so he could take our son to school on the Monday morning . When I got in later he'd moved the lounge furniture around ( to make it better apparently) and decided to put a new TV aerial up in one of the bedrooms ( because ours in the roof didnt work well apparently!!) .
Best out now. He's given you a warning

No. I couldn't stand this either. You did nothing wrong here. He will just make you very unhappy, very quickly. Imagine how he'd treat you and your home once he has his feet under the table if this is how he behaves after 3 days?

Don't do it to yourself, you're lucky to have had an insight.

He'd drive you nuts. He'd drive me nuts and I'm not exactly tidy! It sounds like he's never grown up. I'd let this relationship slide as it's not going anywhere.

Of course he's desperate to move in - ready made lovely home, with someone to mummy him who he can also shag. Stay single.

You’re not compatible so just end it.

The wet towel is silly on his part but yeah everything else you’ve said I don’t personally identify with. Your reaction was ridiculous. And he is also being ridiculous trying to get you back after your threw his stuff out the window.

I have cheap argos and ikea furniture because it enables me to spend money on other more important things, so if you judged me for that, you could also get in the bin.

You are incompatible. Neither of you are wrong (I couldn't live with you by the way you describe your house rules) but then again he sounds like he is too far the other way.

That's not a hissy fit. That is your boundaries screaming at you that you are making terrible choices. How he chooses to live tells you about him. Him asking you to teach him how to respect a home is ridiculous. You are not responsible for his housing.

I wish I was there when you threw his stuff out the bathroom window, brilliant.
Don’t listen to his whining just dump him.

Just carry on dating, he's obviously not housetrained so just don't move him in.

Is he otherwise nice to you? Does he take you out? When was the last time he brought you a bunch of supermarket flowers?

I left a wet towel on the bathroom floor yesterday morning. They generally make their way into the wash basket a day or so later.

You do sound a bit obsessive.

I live alone because of this op i cant stand mess or clutter.

It doesn't matter who is right or who is wrong, you are just not compatible. It will never work out if you live together as neither of you can change.

My late XBIL moved in with his gf and it didn't last very long. He would expect a mug and plate to be washed as soon as it was used, whereas the gf would leave it in the bowl to wash up with other items later in the day.

He said that she was messy, she said that he was over the top.

Both lovely people, who were not compatible. They remained friends until he passed away, they just couldn't live together.

Sometimes our towels fall off the towel rail.

I think personally you shouldn't continue the relationship because none of you want to compromise for the other. You would need to let some things slide as it wouldnt be just your space anymore and he'd need to be more respectful of how you like things. I dont think theres a way back from this and I do understand having things a certain way and getting frustrated but your reaction was OTT and I dont think you can call him petty for moving a jar when you flung clothes out the window 😂

"Train." That attitude says quite a lot.

I know both man-hating and competitive housekeeping are rife on MN, but honestly: misplacing a coffee jar? To think there are people grappling with real problems in this world.

And fine if OP doesn't want to live with someone who won't use GPS to replace the coffee jar to its exact location, that's her prerogative. But screaming, swearing and throwing his things out of the window is crazy vitriol for such misdemeanours.

100% Do not move in with this man. You will spend your life cleaning and tidying and resenting him.

Noooooo. awful. I'm not even tidy but he's not respecting you. no matter if you are OCD which you aren't just cos you like it clean and tidy.
just no respect you don't need it. block and move on.

Where does she say she's going to subject herself to more of this?

There's no way you can live together. Your ways of life are so far apart.

If everything else in your relationship worked and you both wanted to move in, both of you would have to make adjustments. You might have to accept some coffee jars out of place. He might have to pick up after himself.

But if he's the only one who wants to move in then nah. It would be like having a teenager. Not for me.

Do you want to come back from this? To carry on seeing him while not living together? Or are you actually done but feel that the hissy fit was a bit much.

NOOOOOO!!!!!😱 (I screamed that at you btw)

Whilst I dont admire your total lack of style it is clear that a) you're not compatible and b) he's a slob looking for a free ride. You'd be mad to try again. If you want to train something not to make a mess buy a large dog.

Nice one OP!!! 🤩🤩🤩

I wish I'd done this with an ex, instead of mopping up around and after him whenever he came to stay.

He sounds like he likes the way he lives. He can probably adapt to your style of living for a short while since he now knows that you actually won’t bend immediately, but his petty behaviour with the coffee indicates his underlying belief that he prefers a looser way of living and assumes you will relax into his version of living well. What he doesn’t realise or acknowledge is the fact that you are relaxed and living well in a style of living that is totally normal and works for you.

If you’re willing to change your own ways and live the way he prefers then it will work. Otherwise, keep him as a boyfriend who has his own place. If you really want to keep him with a view of moving in together, he can show he wants to share your living style by adapting it IN HIS OWN PLACE for a good amount of time beforehand.