AIBU to refuse my mother-in-law's offer to deep clean our house?

[Samiloff]

We (me, DH and two DC) are going away over half-term. MIL, who lives near us, has offered to give our house "a thorough clean" while we’re away. I’ve said thanks for the offer but no thanks. She just can’t understand me refusing what she sees as a wonderful offer and keeps going on and on about it.

It's true I’m not terribly house-proud but we do what’s necessary and we have a cleaner weekly (DH and I work full-time) and the house is perfectly ok. I can see that a thorough "spring clean" could be a good idea, but quite apart from the principle of her doing it, I hate the thought of MIL poking into everything while we’re away, and then dropping into the conversation for months afterwards all the things she thinks I’m doing wrong (she thinks housework is the woman's responsibility). I just know that’s what would happen. DH says it’s up to me. AIBU to refuse?

YABU - you would be silly and ungrateful to turn down the kind offer
YANBU - if it makes you uncomfortable it’s perfectly ok to politely say no.

I'd say 'no' 'nope' and 'not happening'

Years ago,I'd just had my third baby,deep in the throws of pnd and couldn't see straight,my (narcissistic) mother decided to babysit at my house while i went to the doctors (the first and last time she'd ever done it)

I'd cleaned the whole house,it was spotless and left to attend my appointment

Came home and she'd 'helpfully' dug all the kids toys out,thrown them on the floor and rearranged all their clothes

I had the clothes in their wardrobes as I wanted them and she'd fucked up the whole system and moved the whole lot to the airing cupboard while chucking the clothes she didn't like away (that I'd bought)

Took me ages to pull them out of the bin,wash them,dry them (i didnt have a dryer) put them all back (in the wardrobe) and then I had to sort all the toys out again while trying to deal with two toddlers and a velcro baby

Then she went round telling everyone I was ungrateful as she was 'only trying to help' and dirty

Never again-she'll only want to do it to have a nose about and to judge you (hence the pestering)

I'd be getting any spare key off her if she has them

I wouldn't dream of doing this to my dil unless she asks me to (and that's unlikely as she has her own mum)

She sounds like a nightmare, but fully agree with a previous poster saying she likes
to feel needed.

Can you give her a job to do that’s not actually in your house, but would improve your life whilst also making her feel needed?
For example, next time she mentions the deep clean “thanks for the offer, but as I said that’s really not needed/ I couldn’t expect you to do that / our cleaner is already going to do that… I have been thinking about finding someone to do some ironing for us though, as we never seem to have the time. I’d be over the moon if you’d fancy doing a bit of that?”

It’s ok to refuse, but I would certainly let her do my ‘spring cleaning!”

I’d refuse. I’d be irritated if she continued to offer (and I say so).

Please tell me she doesn't have a key..

I would love someone to deep clean my house, but I totally get you don’t want MIL poking around all your stuff. I have given up trying to keep on top of the housework. Life is too short and it’s a never ending thankless task. When I was at home with the kids I would clean the house from top to bottom a couple of times a week. But now it’s on a needs must basis!

You are not wrong to feel this way. I don’t yet have a DIL as my oldest is only 19 but I know any offer like this would be difficult to make even though if I ever offered it would completely come from a place of knowing how hard it is to work full time and look after kids and get to those non essential jobs.

My MIL is one of those who only worked very part time (as as a cleaner funnily enough) and never appreciated how difficult it is to work long hours and have little flexibility in your role. I always felt the judgement from her as she made it clear she felt looking after the home was my job too.

Absolutely not!!!!

Nope. I wouldn’t even want my mum doing it. Not that she would be over nosey or judgmental but I wouldn’t want it.

YANBU you’re a busy person and you’d feel like you’d have to do a pre-clean clean! And what about privacy: medications, ovulation tests, contraception, secret cigarettes, your diaries etc etc? No thanks!

That's a very insightful post, @needtobeneeded x

What on earth are people keeping in theyr homes that they are so embarrassed off?

Or maybe it’s because people know what their mothers/MILs are like and therefore don’t want them cleaning their homes. Many people do not have a mother like yours that can be trusted.

Not sure why that’s hard to understand. You don’t have to have anything embarrassing to not want people cleaning your home while you’re not there. Are you ignoring the fact her MIL is not accepting her no thank you and is continuing to go on and on about it. Why should she want someone who cannot accept a simple ‘no thank you’ to clean her home? If they cannot accept a ‘no’ what makes you think they’ll listen if allowed and said not to do xyz? There’s too many family members who think they know better about someone else’s home and will move and clean things how they want to be ignoring what the actual homeowner wanted. That is the reason why many people rather have a cleaner do it vs a family member.

Plus, the way MIL is going on about it and what OP has written, I suspect she would be the type to throw it in OP’s face later down the road if OP did agree to it