AIBU to refuse my mother-in-law's offer to deep clean our house?

[Samiloff]

We (me, DH and two DC) are going away over half-term. MIL, who lives near us, has offered to give our house "a thorough clean" while we’re away. I’ve said thanks for the offer but no thanks. She just can’t understand me refusing what she sees as a wonderful offer and keeps going on and on about it.

It's true I’m not terribly house-proud but we do what’s necessary and we have a cleaner weekly (DH and I work full-time) and the house is perfectly ok. I can see that a thorough "spring clean" could be a good idea, but quite apart from the principle of her doing it, I hate the thought of MIL poking into everything while we’re away, and then dropping into the conversation for months afterwards all the things she thinks I’m doing wrong (she thinks housework is the woman's responsibility). I just know that’s what would happen. DH says it’s up to me. AIBU to refuse?

YABU - you would be silly and ungrateful to turn down the kind offer
YANBU - if it makes you uncomfortable it’s perfectly ok to politely say no.

This. It's weird and rude to ask in the first place, but she might just be a bit thick and well meaning.

But harping on and on says there's more to this. OP needs to make sure she does not have a key, add a lock to any entrance doors if she does (it's cheaper just to add a couple of locks than changing them) and lock it when she leaves.

Doorbell camera is a good idea too if there's not one already.

I think offering was a nice gesture (she meant well)

But banging on about it is extra rude!

Of course you are not BU to decline having someone going through your private stuff. At least she didn't do it as a "surprise", that would make me relocate to another country immediately 😂

Stop, you know she’s slightly batshit. You already know. You knew before you posted. You knew when she asked and your stomach dropped. You can say no. And ask her to not mention it to you again. Sometimes women do need to adapt Olivia’s Colmans character from fleabag.

If someone offered to pay for a Molly Maid or equivalent to do so as a present I'd say yes. I'd feel really weird having it done by someone I knew like my MIL.

No, she isn’t a fucking weirdo for offering. It’s clearly a very normal thing to offer and also to accept for many people. By definition that means she’s not a fucking weirdo. Reading about someone offering to clean a house should not trigger such a response either.

Continuing to offer, after the offer has been politely refused multiple times, is what makes her a weirdo.

how on earth do you do a deep clean without opening the cupboards?
Deep clean literally IS cleaning IN the cupboards, underneath and around furniture etc.

It's not even being rude or nosey, but you can't clean remotely

That would be a "Hell, no!" from me!

Absolutely no way, however much the house needed it.

that would be my exact reaction too,

but some posts on this thread are completely insane 😂

If she is anywhere near Yorkshire, she can come do mine. I'll even keep her in tea, coffee, and biscuits :D

I'd love this. My mil is too old to be able to do this but if she'd offered years ago I'd be very grateful and say yes. But my mil is not a busy body and would never dream of mentioning anything she saw or found. Only you know your mil.

I would do the same, OP. Your house is nothing to do with your MIL. You have said that it's already good enough, which is exactly what is needed.
Not to mention the fact that women (and, sadly, they almost always are women) who are obsessed with "spotless" houses and this mythical "deep cleaning" are generally not people I would want to be around!

@Samiloff
No chance!
Many years ago my dsis and Dm were popping in to feed the cat and decided to clean my house, a favour apparently, l didnt ask and it certainly didnt need doing.

Never heard the end of it from dsis, dirty bitch was her favourite term to anyone who would listen until I finally lost my temper.

Normal household, we kept on top of cleaning.

It was a complete overstep and it still annoys me now

Offered with love and the spirit of support - I'd accept.

Offered in criticism and judgement - I'd refuse.

My mil used to do things like sort and iron my laundry and 'tidy up' when she babysat. It always made me a bit uncomfortable but it was coming from a place of love with her so I said nothing and just appreciated her intent.

My mother never offered to even make me a cup of tea when my children were newborn but would happily criticise me for the house not being perfect. She wouldn't have offered but, had she, I'd have refused.

People will respond to this imagining their mother in law and her intention. Only you will know your mother in law and her intention.

100% refuse. If you're happy with the way your house is, that's all that matters. Clean freaks would have an absolute field day at my home but it is clean and tidy enough for us and like you, I don't want someone rootling through my stuff and gossiping about what they found whilst pulling out cupboards and beds - no way.

On the one hand I agree I would be offended. On the other hand it would be flipping brilliant!

Why is your DH not dealing with his rude mother directly?

DH problem

Yanbu, you're not comfortable with it, it's your home and that's the end of the discussion.

Can you tell her you've moved and give her my address though? Idgaf how invasive it is, I'm pregnant and exhausted, she can do my house.

It is dependent in your relationship with your MIL and your respective personalities.

i am quite a private person, and this, coupled with my MILs tendency to overstep boundaries and also never actually be ( in my view ) helpful, would mean that I would say no.

for a short period, MIL used to pick kids up and take them to an activity once a week, and I would be home from work at 5, well in time to cook evening meal. MIL used to rearrange furniture/ plants etc and also make and cook pancakes so leave a massive mess in the kitchen for me to have to tidy up as soon as I got in, as well as kids who had had a snack meal so didn’t want to eat a healthy dinner. I hated it and stopped the arrangement as soon as I could. I used to find kids clothes rearranged in their rooms, with clothes she bought over from her other grand kids more prominent. There was no need for her to go upstairs, but she did. I found it so stressful.

do whatever brings you least stress!

Depends on context.

My MIL has done this before - with permission. We had bought a project house, got immediately pregnant 😅 and basically project slowed and specific rooms became 'dumping room' while another was sorted. Got to a point when baby was 1yo, both working full time, baby didnt sleep stretches longer than 2 hours still. We were on our knees. MIL visited and offered to help in any way she could. She went through specific rooms we told her she could, organising things, checking stuff could be chucked. It was the most helpful thing anyone could have done. Was trusted to do so, didn't betray the trust, no backhanded comments after.

If my parents offered? It would be an absolute no. They wouldn't respect the boundaries and would 1000% use the opportunity to snoop and make fun of later.

Your husband saying it's up to you shows he so thinks keeping house is the woman's job. Perhaps if HE told his mum that you and him really don't want or need a deep clean since you both manage to keep on top of things, she might relent. Eventually a slightly sharp, "I don't want to fall out with you over this, but I don't want you cleaning our house, it's not something I'm comfortable with. Please stop trying to make me feel uncomfortable," said in front of witnesses would knock it on the head.

I'd certainly refuse, it must be fairly clean.

Since you say she'd be judgemental about it, I'd refuse.

Or he doesn't see a problem with it so he is like 'free cleaning yey!' but is respecting why his wife may have a problem with it. As long as he presents united front to MIlL rather than 'blaming' OP and isnt saying 'well if you don't let her I'm not going to clean and you have to do it yourself' then its absolutely fine for him to say to his wife its up to her.

She is in North Yorkshire!