AIBU to refuse my mother-in-law's offer to deep clean our house?

[Samiloff]

We (me, DH and two DC) are going away over half-term. MIL, who lives near us, has offered to give our house "a thorough clean" while we’re away. I’ve said thanks for the offer but no thanks. She just can’t understand me refusing what she sees as a wonderful offer and keeps going on and on about it.

It's true I’m not terribly house-proud but we do what’s necessary and we have a cleaner weekly (DH and I work full-time) and the house is perfectly ok. I can see that a thorough "spring clean" could be a good idea, but quite apart from the principle of her doing it, I hate the thought of MIL poking into everything while we’re away, and then dropping into the conversation for months afterwards all the things she thinks I’m doing wrong (she thinks housework is the woman's responsibility). I just know that’s what would happen. DH says it’s up to me. AIBU to refuse?

YABU - you would be silly and ungrateful to turn down the kind offer
YANBU - if it makes you uncomfortable it’s perfectly ok to politely say no.

I’m having similar from my mum at the moment as my cleaner is off sick and I have a lot of health issues going on which impact how much I can do - I keep saying thanks but no and eventually the message is getting through

What a nasty baggage she sounds.
YANBU, definitely.
Has she not got much going on in her life? Offering to spend hours cleaning and then going on about it.

In OP’s context, I would find it strange to offer in the first place and the constant going on about it would make me wonder why someone would want access to my home so bad while I’m not there.

I can understand if someone has just had a baby and they are overwhelmed or been in hospital or recovering, but not someone going on holiday. If they needed someone to keep an eye on things and I’m doing that anyway, I would offer, but not in OP’s case.

My Mum once did this - without asking me - while we were on holiday and I was mortified. I thought it was incredibly rude to go through our house and stuff and clean everything like I wasn’t capable. My house was btw spotless but not to her ‘standards’ (she is Hyacinth Bouquet).

On the bright side your MIL did at least ask. But I do think it’s a passive aggressive thing to do. Like your house is too dirty for them or something.

I couldn't have let my MIL clean my house! I have nothing to hide, but she would have found at least one thing and blabbed to all and sundry. YA most certainly NBU!

No chance … my MIL is judgmental too she’d be a nightmare

YANBU, you have a cleaner!

If I had a weekly cleaner already, I would ask her to do the deep clean while I was away, if that was what I wanted. Your MIL is kind to offer, but if you're uncomfortable with the idea, keep reinforcing that you said no (and remove all spare keys, if she has one, or you'll be worrying that she is going through your underwear drawer and finding something that she shouldn't!).

However... I wouldn't want anyone nosing through all of my things!

I hope this is relevant... I have been realising something about myself in the last few weeks since I dropped my oldest child off at university. Being needed on a practical level seems to be really important to me, and the times when I have been able to be helpful over the last few weeks have made me feel a kind of almost joy!! It's made me really think about what kind of MIL I might be in the future, particularly as my kids move further out of my life and into their own. I can completely imagine chasing the joy of being needed, and being super oblivious to how that might be experienced by my future kids spouses, and my adult kids.

I will hopefully work on myself so I am not the MIL who oversteps the boundaries my kids families will make, but I wonder if your MIL is chasing the joy of being needed.

Not to say you should do anything different, but maybe that could explain her insistence?

I think whether its acceptable to offer depends on what the intention behind the offer is, and the relationship between the Mil and the Dil

It's not a no strings attached offer, even if you wanted it in the first place.
She's thinking what a great idea, I'll show them what a real clean looks like, and everyone will be grateful for the free labour (and beholden to me)

I don't think she realises that once she has exhausted herself on this impressive clean, she will be disappointed that it will be hard for you to be grateful enough for the sacrifice you didn't really ask for or want.

So much better to say no gracefully until she accepts it, as you are inclined to do. YANBU

Like I said, she is a fucking weirdo. Weird to even ask, and weird and intrusive to keep badgering you. I really hope she does not have a key to your house.

Asking once - though very definitely weird - might just be a faux pas and well meaning. Harassing you means she has proven it was never well meaning.

It's also, clearly and unequivocally, a dig at your housekeeping standards.

And yep, anyone pretending not to get that is the sort of person who rummages through strangers medicine cabinets. They need to pretend this sort of insistence on bulldozering boundaries is normal to cover for themselves. It's not.

They should realise that everyone in real life thinks they're a fucking weirdo too.

And for those of you shitting on about how much they love people cleaning their homes - so fucking what? OP doesn't want it. So that's that.

Do you take no for an answer? If so, you're not the weird, badgering woman being described by the OP.

Can she come and do mine?

My mum is like this. I learned a long time ago she will judge me anyway so I may as well say yes and get the cleaning from her as she'll criticise my house regardless! Makes her feel valued for some barmy reason.

Wish someone would do mine! But it is up to you.

It's not OP's mum though. Your mum is quite different, in most cases, to an interfering mother in law who won't stop harassing you about something.

I would love this!! Send her my way.

My mum is far greater pain in the arse than my former mother in law ever was. But I take your point it can feel more intrusive when its not your own mother. My mum was a wonderful sahm when we were kids but consequently she has no idea about trying to balance more than full time single parenthood plus housework. For me the lesser of two evils was to let her do it. I hate it. But I hate it with my laundry done as opposed to hate it with laundry to do!

I understand why someone might not want this but I simply would not be able to look such a gift horse in the mouth.

I think you are right. MIL is widowed and DH is her only surviving child. We didn’t want her to move to live near us but she did it anyway. I understand why but she is now a long way from her old friends and the rest of her family. She is desperate to be needed but always ends up interfering and criticising. We let DC go to her house for a sleepover as she was so keen to have them, and DD (4) said when she got back "Grandma said I should change my vest more often because this one is grubby" (it had been worn for 2 days).

She is way too over-invested in our lives, e.g. when we told her we’d ordered a new carpet for our living room she went into the carpet shop and demanded to see the one we’d chosen (don’t know what she said to the salesman), then told us it was unsuitable. When I told her I was thinking of buying a new sewing machine she arranged (unknown by me) for a salesman to come round to my house, and couldn't see at all why I was so annoyed. It’s all very difficult.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for your comments and votes. I’m reassured that I’m not being unreasonable! I will consider paying our cleaner for more hours so she can deep clean perhaps one room or area each week.

OMG, she's an overstepping nightmare! I hope you still bought the 'unsuitable' carpet!

I’d say no. Her motive is going to hold you to account further down the line. Household is split evenly nowadays due to both people working and she has very outdated views. Not only that, who could have anyone in their house poking through their stuff anyway?

We did!

My mum does this every year when my brother and sil go away with the kids. She's a judgemental cow deep down and always makes comments I have to stick up for my sil over. Stuff she would never say to her face. Do not let your mil clean your house!!!!