AIBU to refuse my mother-in-law's offer to deep clean our house?

[Samiloff]

We (me, DH and two DC) are going away over half-term. MIL, who lives near us, has offered to give our house "a thorough clean" while we’re away. I’ve said thanks for the offer but no thanks. She just can’t understand me refusing what she sees as a wonderful offer and keeps going on and on about it.

It's true I’m not terribly house-proud but we do what’s necessary and we have a cleaner weekly (DH and I work full-time) and the house is perfectly ok. I can see that a thorough "spring clean" could be a good idea, but quite apart from the principle of her doing it, I hate the thought of MIL poking into everything while we’re away, and then dropping into the conversation for months afterwards all the things she thinks I’m doing wrong (she thinks housework is the woman's responsibility). I just know that’s what would happen. DH says it’s up to me. AIBU to refuse?

YABU - you would be silly and ungrateful to turn down the kind offer
YANBU - if it makes you uncomfortable it’s perfectly ok to politely say no.

There was a thread some time ago about a nosy MIL going into the couple's bedroom unnecessarily and they left out some printouts about the emigration process for heading to Australia on their bedside table. Always thought that was a good one...

I’d take up the offer with a very precise list of what needed doing. I’d get my cleaner to draw up a list of what they couldn’t do in their usual clean. Any comments I’d quickly ask her to refer to DH.

I agree with this - it’s the intention that counts!

Can she do mine?!

It's fine that you're worried about your privacy and the potential to open up doors to judgement if that's the kind of person she is.

No, I wouldn’t.

I also wouldn’t offer in the first place because why would I if they are fully capable doing it themselves. Even if I did offer, I would accept the no and leave it at that, not continue to go on and on about it.

Not MIL’s home. If both OP and DH are ok with that obviously it is fine, but if one isn’t keen on it, it is a no since it is both their home.

I'd say no too. and mean it. and honestly I'd be pretty insulted if someone offered to clean my house- it definitely is saying she thinks your house is dirty. Whether it is or not is none of her business. Who says that? Reminds me of a girl in college who told me before our final exams "Oh I've put you on my list of people to pray for in the exams" wtf? :)

Just keep saying "no mary I've said no thanks so that's that"

My husband gave his parents a key to our first flat and they did this. I was incandescent with rage when we got back. MIL did the washing and ruined three cashmere sweaters and I could tell they’d been through all sorts of things. MIL had also done the classic rearrangement of my kitchen cupboards. My husband soon realised his mistake and I got the key back. He never made that mistake again.

Oh I would love this! If she’s otherwise nice, it’s coming from a kind and generous place. I think it’s my dream for someone to come and clean the house.
But it’s absolutely your prerogative to say no if it makes you uncomfortable and she should accept that .

Yes because I’m an adult and can clean my own mess.

Just NOOOOO!
Cant think of anything worse.
This happened to my friend - her MIL (without asking) came in to clean and tidy. My friend was convinced that MIL had been through her bedroom drawers too!

Yes, I know what a deep clean is but I also wouldn't go into any cupboards, drawers etc unless I had permission. I'd happily move the furniture to mop or hoover, empty the wash basket, do the ironing etc (and have done when they've been away or unwell) but I'd ask before going into storage areas, and I think that is what most people would do.
When they're away, I go round to water the plants, mow the lawn and check everything is in order and they trust me implicitly, literally because they know I won't go into their personal spaces.

there's nothing wrong with doing what they are happy with

but either it's a "deep clean" or it's just a clean.
Many people will consider their laundry basket a "personal space" frankly.

Hoovering around, dusting and ironing is fine.
I guarantee you most people would find the laundry intrusive and a step too far.

If someone offers to deep-clean my kitchen or house, I'd understand that they would DEEP clean, cupboards included, because that's what it is.

I'd accept the offer, leave her a list of the things I wanted her to focus on and then critique it afterwards.....but I'd lock away my private stuff and tell her where you keep the sex toys

And I guarantee that my son and daughter-in-law are happy with anything I've ever done in their house because we've discussed it beforehand.

Frankly, I find pedantry rather irritating but here we are.

And before you pick up on it, yes my name has changed because I'm now on a different device! 😄

I don’t think MILs always see how what they are saying would be offensive - she once commented that I don’t like ironing clothes 😂

I'd love a professional to do it not mil

If she wants to be useful is there anything outside your securely locked house she could do - cleaning windows, gutters etc, maybe sorting the garage, sheds etc or a bit of gardening - hedge cutting, weeding, grass cutting, pruning, planting bulbs, leaf clearing, power washing the drive etc

if it was my late MIL I would have happily let her, as she genuinely would have just cleaned. Whereas if it was SIL, I know she would have gone though not only my cosmetics and underwear drawer but also any banking documents she could find..

it's hardly pedantry to clarify expectations on both sides.
which you are doing anyway according to you 😂

Just because you have a meek DIL who is happy to have an intrusive MIL coming to clean, put her nose in their dirty laundry, iron because she has too much time on her hand, doesn't mean everybody would welcome you with open arms just the same.

They would be more grateful to have a partner who knows how to do these things instead of having his mother still doing them for him

If my wife told me she was going to offer to 'help' our DIL like this, I'd tell her to wind her neck in and imagine how she'd feel if my mum made the same offer.

ETA - actually, I don't think it would even occur to my wife to offer to do this for my step-daughter, and they have an incredibly close relationship.

You already have a cleaner and if you aren't comfortable with it, then you are very reasonable to turn down her offer. I can see where some would welcome the free help, but not everyone does.

Once, when I was in my late 20s, I asked my mother to stop by my flat for some reason while I was away on a business trip. When I returned, it was very clear that she had used the time to do a thorough cleaning, and the furniture was even moved, which was the giveaway. I found it to be a total invasion of my privacy, not to mention overbearing, intrusive, and insulting.

I don't consider your MIL's offer to be "nice." She clearly finds your house below her cleanliness standards. There is something about this that also places you and DH still in the "children" bucket. I doubt, for example, that she would feel it was her place to do this for any other adult she knows. Sounds like she would be better off focused on her own life and household.

There is no way I’d let even my own mum do this never mind my mil

Perfectly acceptable to offer. My mum and MIL would both come over to clean our house on alternate weeks when I was on maternity with twins. They were an absolute godsend. They came to help so I could spend more time with the babies and I'll forever be grateful for that. I read some stories on here about new mothers being expected to host so soon after birth and it makes me so cross for them.

Wow, so much bullshit and nastiness in one post, you must be so proud of yourself. 🤦
Off you trot, dearie, I've better things to do (that are nothing to do with housework) than engage with a fantasist.