AIBU to refuse my mother-in-law's offer to deep clean our house?

[Samiloff]

We (me, DH and two DC) are going away over half-term. MIL, who lives near us, has offered to give our house "a thorough clean" while we’re away. I’ve said thanks for the offer but no thanks. She just can’t understand me refusing what she sees as a wonderful offer and keeps going on and on about it.

It's true I’m not terribly house-proud but we do what’s necessary and we have a cleaner weekly (DH and I work full-time) and the house is perfectly ok. I can see that a thorough "spring clean" could be a good idea, but quite apart from the principle of her doing it, I hate the thought of MIL poking into everything while we’re away, and then dropping into the conversation for months afterwards all the things she thinks I’m doing wrong (she thinks housework is the woman's responsibility). I just know that’s what would happen. DH says it’s up to me. AIBU to refuse?

YABU - you would be silly and ungrateful to turn down the kind offer
YANBU - if it makes you uncomfortable it’s perfectly ok to politely say no.

Oh yeah I’d hate that too but I would also snap that offer up in an instance. Send her to me and she can route through my stuff instead.

"Oh no, don't worry about it, DH is going to give it a good bottoming when we get back. And he might do some housework too.Now I'll have the key back thanks"

As a mother, and also a MIL, I often deep clean my DDs houses for them. I offer and they bite my hand off! I don’t go rooting around their personal stuff - the assumption that the OPs MIL would is pretty mean. I remember when my Dc were little and we both had demanding jobs. We spent half the weekend cleaning washing and doing laundry. I would have been delighted if my DM or MIL had offered to come and do a deep clean every once in a while!

I’d say yes but only to specific jobs eg deep clean the bathroom, wash all the skirting boards thoroughly. Wash all window frames, front door etc. depends if you can trust her not to go above that.

Can I PM you my address?
My mum used to do this for me. First time I was offended and then I have my head a wobble. I hate cleaning, my mum loves it. Win win.

I would have said ‘Brilliant! What a wonderful gift, you are so thoughtful. Here are the contact details for our cleaner and do not let them charge you more than £300 as thats the going rate to deep clean a house they already regularly clean.’

´what you want to do it yourself? I couldn’t possibly allow that. You are my MIL, a queen not a cleaner. Just have them do it, they already use my preferred products that are asthma/allergy safe.´

Not a chance. If you want that, ask your cleaner to do it.

Oh, go for it! It's a free deep clean - sounds amazing! Yes, she'll probably see all your stuff and go on, but so what? As long as you're not hiding a BDSM dungeon, let her crack on!

I think it’s more MIL not accepting OP’s answer and OP knowing what her MIL is like.

You sound like someone who respects boundaries and unfortunately there are too many that don’t and some of us are not blessed with family that do.

I love my MIL so would bite her hand off. My DM, however, I would politely decline because she would love nosing through all my things! 😂

You know what you’d feel comfortable with. Don’t feel pressured. Have a great holiday

Dont do it. Dont let her deep clean... my MIL likes to have a nosey when im away. Started moving furniture around and cleaned my cupboards to the point that i cant find anything. I was so annoyed, the last straw/about a year ago, i told her that she might as well make all the decisions since shes the lady of the house and im moving out. Shes stopped offering now, which is exactly how i want it to be.

My MiL would do this without offering and has the same judgemental attitude towards women based on how clean and organised she perceives their homes to be (despite me working full time and being the higher earner).

Last time we returned to find my delicates laundry basket empty, it had 3 silk shirts, 3 cashmere/ wool jumpers and 2 dresses waiting to go to the dry cleaners. Mil had put the whole lot through the washing machine. When I pointed out it was dry cleaning waiting to do to the dry cleaners and all ruined I was laughed at and told they (PiL) were only helping so shouldn’t complain!
The intention may have been good but I lost it when they ruined over £1k worth of my favourite clothes.

I wonder if the refusers would accept the offer from their own mother? Would the partner/husband be allowed to veto that because he doesn't want his MIL doing it?

Lots of men have to tolerate their MIL's intrusive presence though in their homes!

OMG no I would die . My mother in law was lovely but as with my mother I would forever be thinking she was judging me by what she found. When I clean my own house I am sometimes disgusted by the dust under sofas or behind stuff. I don't mind my Mum having a quick go at the washing up and when she stayed she was known to tell me she had given the shower a wipe over. That was enough.

My mother has done this without asking in the past, they stay with us for months each summer. It's an unbearable invasion of privacy, she notices everything. It wouldn't surprise me if she still does it when we're out, she knows exactly what is in each cupboard. YANBU.

Hell would freeze over before I agreed to this.

Just here to wait for the furious update in a month's time because MIL has went in and done it anyway 🙃

Has your MIL got a key? Would she come round whilst you were away to ‘check’ everything was okay but really have a nose around whilst the coast was clear. I would be annoyed and see it as an insult to clean my house for me.

I can't stand it when my MIL re-arranges the washing on the line in the name of "helping" so I'd absolutely be declining this offer too.

Ask her if she's be happy for you to do a deep clean at hers while she's away.

My mother would never have offered to clean my house as she would have seen it as insinuating that the house was dirty. When she stayed she would ask me if I wanted her to iron or vaccuum or help prepare a meal or wash up or do stuff with my son but she wouldn’t suggest tidying cupboards or doing washing and was capable of sitting and not wanting everything perfect. Rearranging laundary on a line definitely sounds like someone who needs more to occupy them or who is overly obsessional about trivia.

Thank you Janet. I know you take pride in cleaning and housework. I appreciate your kind offer. But I really don't want you cleaning our home. Thank you for understanding.

I would hate that too
My mother in law was extremely Houseproud and I'm sure she would have told her daughter about how slovenly I was!
It also sounds like a ln implicit insult. Tell her you are quite happy as you are thank you

On the face of it, fantastic, how helpful, how lovely to offer etc but yes I see what you mean about having your (seemingly a bit judgemental!) mother in law poking around in every nook and cranny. Not ideal. I’d probably say no too.