I should not have to 'help out' with my dad's wife in later life.

[bovrilormarmite]

My dad is in his early 80s and has just made it clear that he expects me to 'help support' his wife if he dies first. For context, she is late 70s and fit and healthy but refuses to do anything or understand anything practical - travel, drive, make appointments, understand basic finances, how things work. They live very rurally in a massive house with no public transport. We live about 5 hours away and I work full time. I tolerate her and am civil to her for the sake of my dad, but that's it, as there is a lot of history (she split up my parents' marriage when I was late 20s and caused a huge amount of pain to our family). She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. I told my dad her sons will have no choice but to help if needed as I won't be doing it. He looked shocked. I am fairly sure I am not being unreasonable but not sure how to communicate this to him, as he clearly things I am.

She needs to learn and her sons improve and step up. You say no, you're not there to fix those that can't be bothered, or aren't your responsibility

I was literally just thinking the same thing.

Why would you nod along and smile

Such weird behaviour when people do things like that

You can expect to have integrity and good self esteem doing things like that

You simply say that will be upt ger sons and her family

Your dad is being old fashioned and misogynistic. This is her sons' responsibility, not yours

For all we know, the sons would be happy to help. We've only got him and presumably her saying they can't/won't.

In any case, not your problem. Simply don't do it.

@bovrilormarmite
Your father looking shocked means that he's suprised you don't like or accept his wife and the way things panned out
Look,
You cannot be accused of sitting on the fence about what he expects/wants when he's gone
So when he does
Mistress turned wifey isnt your problem
I'm fairly sure her sons may come running
If only to see how she's coping both physically and financially.......

I’m 5 hours away and work full time, dad-there’s little practical hep I can offer.

Her sons will have to pay for care and do a lot online for her which they can luckily do anywhere.

My FIL did this at 85 ( now 87) and 160 mines away too from where he was- and it’s made such a massive difference to quality of life- nice 3 bed detached bungalow with garage now can just pop into town for coffees/lunches (walks) -can get workmen easily, GP and emergency treatment centre -5 minutes walk across field, bus stop 2 mins and 2 corner shops and post office including a mid sized coop and pub within 2 minutes, plus an over 65 social lunch club he goes to twice a week who also do day trips ( all ages over 65 too) - he moaned about it at time but I know full well it’s a lot easier for him now. He made it easy on himself, top end packers and unpackers and sold and bought separately with 2 months in middle in a lovely holiday lodge with facilities

That did occur to me, but she's going to be disappointed: DH was right about the funeral. In all honesty, there won't be a lot once my care is paid for and the remains have been split among the family. I think that my executor will lucky to sell my house for 150k. (House prices round here aren't that high.)

I was a middle manager in a school, so had a decent wage but my pension was impacted by retiring early to care for DH. I'm comfortable, but not wealthy.

I've passed on what DH's kids were due from DH's estate, plus the money he asked me to give his grandchild. (The grandchild wasn't in the will, but DH told me what he wanted.)

I'm actually sorting out my own affairs and I'm hoping to leave something to the grandchild and my grandnephews and grandnieces on DH's side, but the daughter won't be getting anything from my estate. DH was my sole heir, but I did not write a will while he was here - everything including my pension would have gone to him automatically. (I did contact the Teachers' Pension Fund and make sure of that.)

She really doesn't need it, to be fair - she had a very good career and when the ex's affair partner died, he left everything to the ex who has already managed to pass some of it on to the kids so I'm not going to be leaving anyone short of money.

You already have. Communicated it to him.

You don't have to make this into a big thing. A simple "Dad, I live five hours away. It simply isn't practical for me to help in any meaningful way."is enough.

Just because you're female, doesn't mean that you become responsible for your Dad's wife. You live 5 hours away and work full-time, so I don't actually see how you can practically help, even if you wanted too! Your Dad's wife isn't your responsibility or concern; she has two sons, who will need to step up. If one lives abroad, then the other will have to take charge.

My FIL remarried many years after my MIL died. His wife has 4 children of her own. She's tolerated for my FIL's sake. If something happens to him, my husband and his siblings won't be involving themselves. In fact it's likely they'll never see or speak to her again!

I wouldn't mention anything to your Dad again. If he does bring the subject up, just say 'as I said before Dad, I won't be getting involved, X has two sons'. If your Dad has done absolutely everything for his wife, and made her incapable, that's not your problem.

I wouldn’t be able to resist asking my dad a series of increasingly furrowed brow questions:
• but why would she need looking after? She’d just move somewhere more suitable, surely?
• but her sons would be the ones who need to worry about her?
• but dad, you must realise I’m not going to stay in touch with your wife? Because she was your affair partner & I’m being civil whilst I need to be, but obviously once you’re gone, we won’t be in contact?

My xh is on friendly terms with late fil’s wife, & she has a Christmas card & an annual lunch with our dc level of contact, I believe. There’s no suggestion that xh or his siblings would have any involvement in her care as she ages.

Tbf, xh & xbil would be completely bemused if anyone suggested they provide care for xmil, never mind their father’s OW/2nd wife.

Simply not on their radar. Blokes. Genuinely, they’d be ‘….hrrrrrurrrh?!’ if anyone suggested it.

This whole thing is misogynistic AF - I’d just be clear with your dad that you are absolutely not responsible for this lady & will not be involved.

Your Dad is very old-fashioned. He won't change like many old men, who got their way at the expense of female relatives.
You're not nearby. Just spent whatever time you have left with him pleasantly. Give non committal answers.
If wife goes first, insist he moves to a retirement flat. If he dies, step aside for her sons to manage. By all means continue to send Christmas cards, ring her on Dad's anniversary and if nursing home is convenient, pay an occasional visit. You are not responsible for an adult, who refuses to master the appropriate skills.

I was just about to say this. I'm a Social Worker & it's nearly always the daughter/step daughter/daughter in law. I'm waiting for times to change but it ain't happening

Right, but she wants him to accept it, and not call her selfish or whatever. Amazing how many mn posts boil down to this: "I've decided to do or not to do x, but the other person doesn't like it. How can I make them be ok with it and not feel what they feel and think what they think and say whatever they're going to say?". I don't think men ever ask this, anywhere - do they?

Dad, I have work commitments as well. Her sons will have to ‘get good’ at that sort of stuff, won’t they!?

That's good. Not expecting an inheritence is quite freeing.

YANBU. The last time I plan to see my stepmother will be at my DF's funeral, if he dies first. Mine also broke up my DP's marriage (and yes, I do hold my DF equally responsible) and she's been a bitch to me most of my life. I am civil, for my dad's sake, but she isn't my problem. Fortunately, there is/will be no expectation of help from me. No one is that foolish to expect it.

Definitely not your job. I’d be blunt and say she has her own children to sort it out. Just because he married her doesn’t mean she’s your responsibility. Personally I couldn’t lie and pretend I would as I’d prefer to be honest so other arrangements can be made by them.

If only you had a penis @bovrilormarmite , they wouldnt dream of expecting it if you were male

5 hours away and she's your responsibility? Your dad is living in cloud cuckoo land, even if she isn't liked because of being part of splitting the family.

If he mentions it again, I would suggest that they move now, somewhere nearer hospitals, doctors and shops that she and her sons can do things easier if he dies first. The rest is up to them.

Did you read all my posts?

" She has 2 sons in their 50s who are perfectly capable but one lives in Dubai and 'won't be able to help as he has work commitments' and the other is only a couple of hours away but 'not as good at that stuff'. " - Ah, the standard strategic incompetence plus important jobs men have. How lovely.

Let him think what he wants,if he does go first he won’t be here to try to make you anyway

First post nailed it.