Inset day plans… who is unreasonable here?

[OneDenimSquid]

Would appreciate views on who might be being unreasonable here…

Two children have inset day next Friday. One parent suggested an overnight stay somewhere (abroad - had been looking at half term but flights were cheaper for next Friday as term time). Other parent says they can’t really go next week because they have a work project they need to complete and planned to do so Friday and Saturday, but could maybe go half term. Parent one made some suggestions for half term although options a lot more limited and more expensive. Parent two asked how the trip was being funded. Parent one didn’t really respond as got the impression parent two doesn’t want to contribute, and is now planning to go next week on their own with kids. Parent two is annoyed that parent one would go without them.

Who is in the wrong here?

The only a night or two can be relatively cheap but obviously adds another holiday to the overall annual budget.
A poor half term compromise seems a bit one sided.
I’d be miffed that you get to chose the weekend you fancy whilst presenting some dross holidays in half term as the alternative.

I can see no issue with one parent going on holiday with the children so I’m with parent 2 being unreasonable

Parent 1 goes with children on Friday and parent 2 joins them on Sunday.
Problem solved

Parent 2 sounds irritatingly passive. Happy to raise problems and poke holes in whatever is presented to them but unwilling to actually contribute any ideas or solutions themselves.

I earn almost double my husband's salary. I basically pay for all of our holidays and a lot of other things beside. If DH wanted to take DS away for a few days, I would be a bit lonely but fine with it!

I cant get my head around this story

you want to go abroad for a weekend?

surely just wait for half term

God I just booked flights away for the first half of half term with the kids and didn’t even ask my husband 😂😂 cus we had already agreed I was going the first half of days off and he was so g the second half to save on annual leave

we do things like this all the time

but also do stuff together as well

he’s not randomly took the older child to Disneyland in a whim when there was a Eurostar sale too by himself - no biggy to me

I think going abroad for one night is a bit odd, but I can’t see why the two parents and two children all need to be attached at the hip. My husband and I have each taken the kids away for the weekend separately. I take one child away on their own every 6 years (random tradition I started by accident). I love a weekend alone so would be delighted if my husband could do this. However we have totally shared finances and can’t afford this sort of thing often so for us the money would be the salient point.

Sounds like they're both just quite rubbish at communicating..

I've no issue with one parent taking the kids without the other. I do that that sometimes. I don't want to be stuck at home bored with the kids because my husband is working. I check with him first and fund it myself. But we're both happy with that and no one is getting annoyed at each other.

This

Parent 2 should be delighted Parent 1 and the DCs are getting a mini-break ... and so is Parent 2 really!

I think the parents first of all need to communicate in full sentences.
Nothing wrong with one parent taking children away. There will be other holidays and the parent staying at home can enjoy some peace and quiet and concentrate on their work project.

I can't see the problem. If you can't go for what ever reason you can't go. That doesn't suddenly become someone else's problem.

I take my dc away without Dh all the time. In fact, we’ve been to Spain twice this year. Dh is taking them away over half term without me. If the point is to give the kids a holiday, then it makes sense to take them at the best time. When I do this, I fund part of it myself and part of it from our joint account to cover the kids, same as I would any other half term activities. I’d be thrilled to have a solo weekend to focus on my work project. We don’t have to do everything as a family.

Flying for an overnight is bloody ridiculous so for that alone YABU regardless which one you are.

Also is clear from the post that your communication is poor so again both yabu for not just discussing it properly like grown ups.

I have been parent 1 in this scenario so obviously I thought parent 1 was reasonable! 😂

I'm the higher earner (we are both FT) and we have semi separate finances where we contribute proportionately into a joint account for all household and kids stuff, including our main family holiday. Disposable income belongs to who earned it. I know the one-potters hate the idea of such arrangements but it works for us, for some very good reasons. It was also what my husband wanted, coincidentally enough when he earned more - I don't think he expected me to outearn him later haha.

I plan and organise all our holidays and pay out of my disposable income for any trips outside our main family holiday. I'm also much keener on travelling/the extra trips. H wouldn't bother if I didn't organise it. He also ends up working a lot of weekends so keeping the kids occupied has been much more on me. (If I'm being cynical I think he sort of let the work expand when the kids were littler and harder work because it was "easier" than looking after them. )

Last year I suggested we went to Paris for a couple of nights as an extra trip including an inset day. Cue moaning about how he couldn't take time off. I'd already had to book the inset day off and the Monday of half term so I decided daughter and I would go anyway. More moaning and sad facing but it felt unfair that he wanted to block a trip but was quite happy for me to entertain her at home/locally while he was shut away in his study. So we went. It was great. He did give his head a wobble and gave us a lift to and from Heathrow and wished us a good time. If we hadn't done it like that I don't think it would have happened at all as later in the week would have been more expensive and I probably wouldn't have had enough leave after using some up for the inset day etc.

For the record I would be delighted if he took one or both kids away and let me have the house to myself for a couple of days but it has never happened ...

I think both are in the wrong.
If it was meant to be a family trip, both parents should find a time to suit everyone, if the cost is more expensive ,work out if it can be afforded when everyone is able to go.
If I was working,and my husband said ,I want to go away with the kids , I would be happy that they were getting a trip away and I could get my work done, and pamper myself in the evenings.
If the person who has to work, what do expect the other parent and kids to do if they stay?
Are they working from home and expect silence?
Is the available parent taking annual leave?

Holy hell, do you guys even like each other? Go for a days out locally for the days that one parent isn’t available, and discuss half-term as a potential for a foreign trip together. Money should be agreed first before getting carried away.

Disappearing because one parent is snowed-under with work isn’t very supportive.

Flying for an overnight is bloody ridiculous so for that alone YABU regardless which one you are.
Big disagree on that one.
If the plane is going anyway, i may as well have a seat.
Me and dh, or just me or me and my friends fly Liverpool to Belfast on numerous occasions to see family, have a day trip go to a funeral, or just to have a monitor break.
Same with flying to Brussels. Its normally full of of professionals on a Monday but I slot in and have an overnight in Belgium.

Nah, it's fine! We've done it before, super fun.

I do stuff and go places all the time on my own with the kids, because I only work term time. It’s selfish to the kids to not do stuff just because one parent can’t make it imo.

i dont think either parent is unreasonable per se.
I think there is a communication issue though.
Parent one is not unreasonable to take the children away on their own at inset day time as parent 2 is busy working and its cheaper.
Parent two is not unreasonable to say id like to come away with you and our children but i cant make the inset day due to work but i could make half term .
If the issue is half term is cost prohibitive Parent ones suggestion seems reasonable. if the cost isnt prohibitive waiting til parent 2 is available seems reasonable.

I don't think either parent is unreasonable but they are both have rubbish communication and organisation skills.
Inset day dates are known for months in advance. They should have earlier discussed who would entertain the kids on inset day.
If parent 2 has arranged to work on inset day and the day after, then he/she has assumed that parent 1 will entertain them on both days. It's perfectly fine for parent 1 to take them somewhere nice for that, including on a trip.
However, I can see that parent 2 might not be happy if they arrange to go somewhere that he/she would love to go to, but can't.
Also, it is reasonable of parent 2 not to want the cost of the inset day trip to mean that the family couldn't afford a half term trip together.

Why is it selfish? Parent two isn’t desperately keen to go. It’s more selfish to say ‘I can’t go so nobody gets to’.

Not hate at all, we are all different. I actually admire the energy you must have.

This is extremely confusing. I doubt you've got any valuable insight because people probably don't understand properly. Get chat gpt to write it next time

On the issue, it's not difficult. Communicate with each other. 'I would like to go XYZ days.' I can't because of work but I want to come. How about ABC days' 'Hmmm it is much cheaper to go on XYZ'. 'Yes but I want to come and can't then.' Etc. Clear simple answers, and if you don't want them to go without you just say no.