Inset day plans… who is unreasonable here?

[OneDenimSquid]

Would appreciate views on who might be being unreasonable here…

Two children have inset day next Friday. One parent suggested an overnight stay somewhere (abroad - had been looking at half term but flights were cheaper for next Friday as term time). Other parent says they can’t really go next week because they have a work project they need to complete and planned to do so Friday and Saturday, but could maybe go half term. Parent one made some suggestions for half term although options a lot more limited and more expensive. Parent two asked how the trip was being funded. Parent one didn’t really respond as got the impression parent two doesn’t want to contribute, and is now planning to go next week on their own with kids. Parent two is annoyed that parent one would go without them.

Who is in the wrong here?

Parent 2. They can't help having work commitments before half term but from what you've written they haven't exactly come across as enthusiastic or even wanting to go away. But that shouldn't mean Parent 1 and the children can't.

Is it not selfish for parent one to go without parent two?

Can we cut the parent 1 and parent 2 nonsense and just be presented with the actual story?!

Not really sure anyone is in the wrong - if half term is too expensive and the parent who can take advantage of the inset day wants to treat the kids then fab. If the other parent can’t go that’s a bit disappointing but no big deal really - they can go next time. Ultimately the kids are what’s important and you can’t deny them a break away because one parent is upset they can’t go and sulking about it.

Not sure how someone asking how something is being funded gave the other person the impression they weren’t contributing - surely by the time you’re parents of two you’ve got a pretty tried and tested financial plan for paying for holidays?

Next time better communication all around would be ideal since trying to plan a long weekend a week or two in advance when work can’t be adapted so easily is clearly not working.

Isn’t it selfish to deny the kids and your partner a holiday because you can’t enjoy it too?

I think trying to present a balanced view usually doesn't work because you can't help your intrinsic bias.
It is going to be disappointing for the working parent if they miss out but it seems as though they may be too busy at both times.
I don't know what the financial arrangements of the parents are? It seems as though they are not shared.

No, its a trip for the children's benefit surely?
Neither parent is being selfish!
I would be happy for either parent to take the kids for a short break if the other couldn't make it due to work.
Why should the kids miss out?

Just sounds like parent one and parent two need to communicate with each other better.

I gave the story as parent one or parent two to avoid any conscious or unconscious bias, and to try to keep as objective as possible.

The question re funds for the trip was due to the suggestion being from one parent when the family have already had a number of trips already this year so this trip is a bit of a “surplus”

It’s a bit confusing tbh.

It could be that parent 1 is completely reasonable to want to do something with the kids whilst parent 2 is working. But they could presumably do the things they’d suggested for half term then and have the trip in half term?

I think it depends how much parent 2 really wants to do the abroad trip - eg if it was something they’d always discussed doing together. Then it might be mean for parent 1 to do it without parent 2. But going away without the other parent isn’t unreasonable as such.

What are these “other plans” parent 1 wants to do in half term? Are they things the couple had discussed previously too?

Hard to say without more specifics.

Parent one goes on the trip with kids as it’s a cheap deal and it gives parent two peace and quiet to focus on their work project and get it all completed- win win surely?

What? No. Why on earth would it be selfish for a parent to do something nice with their children? Especially when the other parent had been so negative about it.

I've taken my kids away for a few days without my husband, it was a mini adventure! We did a youth hostel by train, so it was really cheap. I'd do something budget and then if the other parent wants to do something in half term then you can all go together and they can stump up a bit more. I think it's really nice to do things in different configurations.

If both parents want to go, surely you just find a time that both parents can go? Not really fair for parent one to make a decision to go at a time that parent two can't go, unless parent two has indicated that they don't really mind.

It isn’t a place that has been discussed before - alternative option in half term was a different city in the same country (prices for same place a lot more in half term).

Financial situation in the family isn’t straight forward 50/50 as one earns a lot more. Both put an amount (relative to the earnings) into joint every month that covers everything.

Mainly you are not communicating very well with each other. It comes across as quite a prickly set up.

Let's cut the shit, you're clearly parent one. I'm Scottish so no idea when half term is (our Oct hols is this Friday) so I guess similar.

If he wants to work on his project then he can. I'd rather go together but would have no probs leaving dh at home if that's what he said. My life is my life, not his.

It sounds like these parents are not working as a team or communicating very well. Do they have split finances (reference to how is this being funded)? Are they married? It all feels a bit like flatmates - with kids...

In general the expectation is that families do things together (stay or go) and only if expressly discussed and for good reason would one parent go solo with the kids.

I thought she was parent two! Gah!

Not at all. Quite the opposite. Parent 2 is not available due to work commitments but the kids are still having the long weekend due to the inset day. Parent 2 is going to have the benefit of a quiet house, a conducive atmosphere for focusing on the work deadline, and a break from the responsibilities and chores of parenthood thanks to Parent 1 taking the kids away, and should be grateful.

However, you're living together and have children together. Are you married? Why not have one pot? Just share your money instead of being nitpicky.
All these threads about who contributes what and who shares what. Just live as a family.
Just talk more and talk to get mutual agreement.

Parent 1, but this number business is nonsense.

Both parents are being a bit childish not to sit down and have a proper discussion where they actually say what they each want, then negotiate.

It's not very clear but it appears that DH wants to take the children on holiday because they've got INSET and OP can't go due to work commitments. When will they be back?
I think OP is parent 2 because she's properly aggrieved by this very minor issue. Childcare needs to be arranged, a plan has been suggested, but it's not a plan "parent 2" likes. Unless they are going somewhere on your bucket list, I'd let them crack on.

No. Is there a limit to the amount of fun they’re allowed to have because parent 2 can’t join them? I don’t think you can plan to complete a work project over the weekend and then get annoyed that your family goes out and does something.

It's totally fine to take the kids away alone for either parent. The other parent is busy with work so can't go. It's not selfish, it's a good idea. I've done it many times, who paid was irrelevant.