Inset day plans… who is unreasonable here?

[OneDenimSquid]

Would appreciate views on who might be being unreasonable here…

Two children have inset day next Friday. One parent suggested an overnight stay somewhere (abroad - had been looking at half term but flights were cheaper for next Friday as term time). Other parent says they can’t really go next week because they have a work project they need to complete and planned to do so Friday and Saturday, but could maybe go half term. Parent one made some suggestions for half term although options a lot more limited and more expensive. Parent two asked how the trip was being funded. Parent one didn’t really respond as got the impression parent two doesn’t want to contribute, and is now planning to go next week on their own with kids. Parent two is annoyed that parent one would go without them.

Who is in the wrong here?

But let's pretend you were afraid of flying or whatever. Or often away for months with work?
Would you then deny your spouse and kids any time away?

Yes, it's lovely to go as a family, but not every thing has to be done together.

I've sent my DH off to the Netherlands with kids and they had a fab time, I couldn't go due to work commitments.
I've taken them away whilst he was at a work training thing away..

I have been away in my own with friends, he's been away on stag do.

We still go on holidays together, but we also don't feel the need to do absolutely everything together..

It doesn't have to be "we all go, or nobody goes", you can have it "well, it would be lovely if we could all go, but circumstances mean we can't, go and have a fabulous time and have an Ice cream for me!!"

Op if I'm reading it correctly, its school is off for 6 days, one parent & kids could fly out on the Friday, other parent flying on weekend when its more expensive.

I interpret this is poster is parent 2, and main breadwinner. So the 'how is this being funded ' is a prickly, passive aggressive attempt at "well I'm paying for this anyway aren't I".

I don't think parent 1 is unreasonable or selfish at all. Parent 2 is getting a little 'dog in the manger'.

You'd hate us, we've been abroad 4 times already, and are going abroad again at October HT, Nov inset weekend AND Christmas.

Squabbling and going on holiday while the other has to work, not a happy marriage.

They'd probably call him a cock lodger.

Anyway, it's still a power play to imply it is entirely dependent on if the higher earner attends and therefore pays for the trip... then it is allowed to go ahead. Otherwise the money will sit there in their Scroogey pockets doing nothing.

I can't stand people being tight with money. Sure, if there's not enough money in the household for two trips, that's fair enough and discussion to be had.
But I get the impression here there's enough for both trips, it's just the TightArse is being a dick.

No.

Is this a family with two children and parents, or is it two families?

Going on holiday whist another works isn't a sign of an unhappy marriage of all are fine with the arrangement....

They are a couple with children, they live together.

This a family all living together.

Parent 1 - lower earner
Parent 2- higher earner.

Parent 2 is controlling whether Parent 1 and kids can go away or not by refusing to contribute towards pay for the break unless they attend.

So lets pretend the break costs £250pp /£1000 total.

Parent 1, low earner, has to find £750 of they want to take the kids away.
Parent 2 will ever so generously contribute £500, if and only if they get to attend.

In our family it doesn't work like that. All money is pooled. Holiday funds are set aside in bank account. If I proposed this break and DH couldn't go, he might be a bit upset about not being able to join, but wouldn't not let us go etc. I wouldn't book a holiday i knew he couldn't go to, but sometimes it just works out that way. 🤷

Parent 1 isn’t unreasonable at all since they are funding it and it’s quicker/cheaper than a day trip to London or Edinburgh.

Is Parent 2 is unhappy because it’s abroad or because of FOMO? The kids shouldn’t lose out because parent 2 has to work. There’s a danger that FOMO can slide into controlling behaviour. Unless parent 1 is a crappy parent, parent 2 should be happy that the kids get a great trip and Theresa other trips to look forward to.

I think that in normal families, it’s perfectly normal
for one parent to do something with the kids on their own because the other parent can’t join in. Isn’t this a normal part of your family life?

I genuinely thought you were talking about co-parenting after separation.
I’m the worst person to give advice on marriage disputes/parenting whilst married but I do know that spending time apart is good for any relationship and this will give the parent who takes the kids away, quality time with them. The other parent can do the same perhaps in the future?

I think this is unfair on parent 1. I don't think simply asking the qn makes it a power play and parent 2 seems to have enough money to go ahead so it isn't dependent on parent 1.

And I also think it's almost always more complicated than a binary - yes there is the money to do it, no there isn't. There are trade offs. Like we had a conversation about whether DH could/should take the kids away on his own and we concluded that yes we could afford it but it would push the more expensive long haul trip we all want to do within the next 2 years further out so we won't

Parent 1 and Parent 2 basically need to communicate properly. They are not working as a team where suggestions can be talked through and evaluated to see what works best.

It's not so much that either parent is wrong, it's that parent 2 seems to be ineffective in their communication.

Parent 1 made a suggestion which parent 2 said didn't really work for them and half-heartedly suggested an alternative time. Parent one then researched options and came back with them, which was met with what sounds like a deliberately obtuse response. How on earth did parent 2 think a holiday would be funded? Rob a bank? (I am making an assumption that both parents would split the cost equally.) I can see why parent 1 felt their partner was unenthusiastic. They are not wrong to book a holiday and go.

I think the issue of where the money is coming from is relevant. If Parent 2 is funding it, either directly or indirectly (via the fact that they work more and pay more into the family budget) I think it’s a bit off.

If I was working like a dog to support my family whilst my partner did a hobby job, and then they went off on a nice mini break whilst I was still working yes I would be pissed off. I might try to get over it if I could see that it was the best solution for the kids but I wouldn’t be happy.

I think I would discuss it with Parent 2 and give them the option of a domestic break in half-term instead. Then they can choose.

Again you are offering very different scenarios with the whole idea of being afraid of flying.

Like I said, my opinion is I like to do things as a family.

I think someone gave a good description of how the conversation could have been managed better with a discussion over the inset day, who is free to be with the children and what the plans could be.
I don't see that the partner is necessarily controlling, unless if a day trip was also suggested and they didn't like that idea either.

I am also unclear over the number of nights away - someone replied to me saying it's only one night but I was assuming they would go Friday return Sunday? So a mini break.

Also this raises the issue over funds as people come back to that. Again if I was to go off without my husband it would technically be him funding it so I could see why he would be annoyed as I am the lower earner. As it is we put all money into a shared account and he knows that between us we make fair choices over how the money is spent.

Is this an overnight trip or is it longer?

You are P1 obviously. I don’t get why you don’t want to go all together though? If P2 would like to go in half term and this would be joint funded, then why can’t you wait and do that? I could understand if half term wasn’t an option (ie it would be so prohibitively expensive that you simply can’t afford to do it and no one would be able to go), but you said although it was more expensive and options more limited you could still afford it using joint funds. If so, why would you leave P2 out like that? I do think it’s selfish, yes. Seems like you set your mind on the date/place and decided unilaterally to go, when there is a compromise to be had.

Why? Are parents not allowed to have a separate/individual relationship with their children? In fact, it’s really healthy - emotionally and psychologically for children to do things with individual parents. Parent 2 is being selfish. They aren’t available due to a work commitment, so why not support their partner in giving their kids this mini break?

I can't relate to any of this. What kind of partnership (let alone marriage?) is it where your money is separate, one partner earns much more than the other, you can't compromise on your holidays to the extent that one parent is going away without the other.

3/10. Not for me. I'm out.

If I was working like a dog to support my family whilst my partner did a hobby job, and then they went off on a nice mini break whilst I was still working yes I would be pissed off. I might try to get over it if I could see that it was the best solution for the kids but I wouldn’t be happy.

Thats what happened a lot when our kids were little but DH never resented us once. As the kids got older maybe one opted to stay behind once in a while and liked to help in the garage and workshop or if we had gone for a long weekend Dhwould try to get away for Saturday afternoon and join us.
Dh wanteted what was best for me and the kids and has done his best to make mine and the kids life as happy as possible. ( and still does)
Ive never been possed off when it was flipped and he took the boys to Formula one meets in Europe for the weekend while I was working. I want everyone to have a nice time.

Yes, that's what happened with us. At one point my husband was a high earner, I wasn't. Then he became critically ill and I became the sole earner. We're a couple and a family and we've just worked for our unit, never counted who pays or who has what, or who owes what. It's worked for almost 40 years. No resentment, we're a partnership..

It’s not selfish for one parents to go away with the kids. It’s for the kids benefit! Almost every parent in the world has gone on a long or short trip somewhere without the other parent due to all sorts of reasons. Is it nice to go away together? Yes? Is it always practical at some stages in life? No.

Your OP is so vague and confusing. First I read it as parents and children of two different families who are friends. So is this you and your partner with your children? Are you together? Do you share finances? If so, surely it’s family money so you you make a decision based on what you can afford as a family. If it’s too unaffordable for you both to go at half-term with the children but is affordable to go on the Inset Day weekend then one parent should take the kids then if the other is unavailable.

You both either have to make a trade-off on your finances or doing the trip together or not doing the work project. One of those three has to slide for everyone to be happy.