Inset day plans… who is unreasonable here?

[OneDenimSquid]

Would appreciate views on who might be being unreasonable here…

Two children have inset day next Friday. One parent suggested an overnight stay somewhere (abroad - had been looking at half term but flights were cheaper for next Friday as term time). Other parent says they can’t really go next week because they have a work project they need to complete and planned to do so Friday and Saturday, but could maybe go half term. Parent one made some suggestions for half term although options a lot more limited and more expensive. Parent two asked how the trip was being funded. Parent one didn’t really respond as got the impression parent two doesn’t want to contribute, and is now planning to go next week on their own with kids. Parent two is annoyed that parent one would go without them.

Who is in the wrong here?

I understand re the finances and think it makes sense. We do similar - most finances are shared but some is separate fun money. I think the parent asking was asking whether this was considered separate fun or joint and it's a totally fine thing to ask especially as it might have implications for what you can do as a family.

I don't think it's "tight" or controlling or anything not to immediately say sure and fund a random two day abroad trip that you aren't going on and which might not be in the family budget.

What just seems really odd about the communication and interaction is just how distant you seem? I don't understand why the parent planning to work an inset day and Saturday afterwards next week had apparently not thought to mention that at any point. What was their plan for how the inset day was going to be covered?

Parent 2 just seemingly ploughing on and booking a trip without really agreeing it with parent 1 also just feels like a couple with an unusual at best communication style

> Parent one didn’t really respond as got the impression parent two doesn’t want to contribute

This sounds passive-aggressive.

> is now planning to go next week on their own with kids

Did parent 1 actually book without fully confirming with parent 2? Marriages are of course different but this would be considered shocking and hurtful on both sides in my relationship.

I’d look on this as a little extra thing in the year that parent one is squeezing in and that’s fine. My DH and DS are off to watch American football today at £300 per ticket, we don’t all need to go to make it fair.

What is it about then? Not being goady, I am ND and found the OP really confusing.

Is it about money?

Most of the young couples I know have to take most of their annual leave separately from each other in order to minimise the cost of childcare over school holidays. It’s really normal for them to take their DC away without the other parent sometimes.

Haven't got a clue who's who or said what but the one who can't go isn't the fault of the one who can. Wave them off and enjoy the house to yourself.

If both parents want to go then just suck up the extra cost and go when you both can

how much is the price difference

Is it not selfish for parent one to go without parent two?

Absolutely not!

Both me and dh used to take the kids away separately if a chance arose like this.
We had a joke along the lines of "fuck it, let's book it"

I worked shifts which included weekend working so sometimes couldn't go, dh was and still is self employed. If he was having a quiet week, he would take them away, especialy if the inset was on a monday. They would go mountain biking or skiing in Scotland or fly over to Framce.

I would do the same on my long weekends off.
I would take them away at February half term and we would have a family holiday at Easter and October half term

I wanted my family to enjoy life and do and go to many different places. Sometimes i couldn't make it but I didnt sit there twiddling my thumbs being sad. I'd be working and then catch up with my friends or chill by doing something I like.

As for money, when the kids were younger dh earned a lot more than me but didnt resent a penny being spent on anything I wanted. I had access to money but he woukd always double check we had ever we needed.

Thats not the same in the least

No not the same but an example of how families don’t all need to do everything together which has been a theme on this thread.

Not selfish to go away with one parent. If only one parent is going, they pay.

My dp works on Saturdays, so I certainly don't think it is selfish that me and the kids do things without him!

Both parents are wrong for failing to improve the way they make decisions as a couple.

Yes, I think that's fine - it works for them.
I think this is about communication. They both must have known about the INSET day, they both should have been aware of the work project. What did they put on the calendar? What did they discuss?
Also, I'm reading between the lines here, but I think there's an issue with money and earnings.
The result of which is annoyance, unhappiness and an impact on the children.

I'm a bit lost.
If one parent is taking the children alone because the other parent isn't available I don't see an issue.
If one parent is taking them alone because the other parent can't afford it that's awful. You're a family, the interests of the DC should come first. I couldn't imagine anyone going on holiday and the children asking why mummy/daddy isn't coming and the response being they couldn't afford it.

This ☝🏼

I disagree. I would ask ‘how are we going to pay for this?’ when discussing trips with my H. There’s definitely no power play involved.

It made the story a bit difficult to read and follow though!

"To be clear the initial suggestion of an overnight stay was before parent 1 was aware of parent 2’s work commitments. If parent 1 goes alone they will fund trip solely."

It sounds so much less antagonistic with this update. I think in this case we'd wait and do the trip together over half term.

Congratulations on possibly the first post on MN where someone has successfully disguised which party they are.

I often take DC on holidays without DH as he's working a lot during the school holidays. He doesn't expect us to sit around whilst he works.

Following the story without anything but 1 and 2 is too much work. So A is working and B isn’t and wants to go on holiday without A?

If I was A I’d be annoyed at B benefitting from my hard work by holidaying

But that's not really what was said.

OP says one person earns way more than the other,and rather implies the higher earner is the one asking this. Could be wrong. But I'm probably not.

Implication is higher earner has the financial control as to whether the trip goes ahead or not. And seemingly the higher earner is saying "If I don't go, nobody goes'

Which...to me... is a power play.

Your money set up is wild. How do you live like that?!

I also find the responses that suggest people who like to do trips as a family weird rather odd.
If I was going abroad then I would want to enjoy that experience with my husband and children.

The examples people are giving of going to the park, a party, swimming etc are very different to going on holiday without your partner. Yes I would do day trips and have often had the inset day off with my kids as I work in a school. Even if we had the money I wouldn't just decide to go away alone and would plan the trip for when everyone can go.
In our house the children now have different inset days anyway....if my husband decided to go somewhere that day with our son knowing it's somewhere our daughter would like to go too then I would be pretty annoyed. While I wouldn't expect them to stay in I would expect consideration over what the plans for the day are.

Parent one is the problem. Why on earth would they not respond to the question about how it is being funded? Surely just respond with ‘if we’re both doing I’ll take this from the joint account but as it’s much cheaper on the inset day I could take the kids myself and pay from my account. What do you think?’

Unless there is a back story that parent 2 is particularly aggressive or unreasonable?

Bet you anything that if the higher earner were the woman it would not be seen as a power play but instead - how dare he suggest gallivanting abroad and having fun with the kids while his poor wife works hard

It’s one night away.