Inset day plans… who is unreasonable here?

[OneDenimSquid]

Would appreciate views on who might be being unreasonable here…

Two children have inset day next Friday. One parent suggested an overnight stay somewhere (abroad - had been looking at half term but flights were cheaper for next Friday as term time). Other parent says they can’t really go next week because they have a work project they need to complete and planned to do so Friday and Saturday, but could maybe go half term. Parent one made some suggestions for half term although options a lot more limited and more expensive. Parent two asked how the trip was being funded. Parent one didn’t really respond as got the impression parent two doesn’t want to contribute, and is now planning to go next week on their own with kids. Parent two is annoyed that parent one would go without them.

Who is in the wrong here?

You said extreme not expensive. I don’t disagree it would be expensive with the cost ruling the idea out for most people, including myself.

Just take your kids away and tell your partner to stop complaining. They will have the house to themselves, and will they please stop being so miserable and resentful about expenses and fun in general?

I’d say extreme and expensive but then I mix in circles where people aren’t loaded at all and live normally and days out aren’t involving the Eurostar but I guess for some richer and maybe London based families this is an option perhaps but I know we wouldn’t have that sort of “spare money” we’d have to plan for something like that.

My DH took the kids to Germany for the weekend. I couldn't go as had a huge work deadline. I was sad to miss out on it but of course happy for them to go and have fun. We didn't talk about who was funding it because anything involving the kids is always assumed to come from joint funds and all money belongs to both of us really anyway.

In my view the inset holiday should go ahead and the working parent can enjoy some peace and alone time.

Parent 1 taking the kids sounds perfect- gives parent 2 space to finish their project undisturbed, since it's going to interfere with the weekend anyway.

Are parent 1 and the kids supposed to just hang around the house being quiet while parent 2 works?

The above is on the proviso that the money isnt an issue. Referring to this as a bonus trip suggests there are plenty of family trips so one parent missing out this time isnt a big deal.

My DH works shifts, we regularly go away without him because his hours don't allow for him to join us and we don't want the kids experiences to be limited due to this. Of course, it's nicer when he can come... but he definitely doesn't think I'm selfish for taking 2 children away on my own. If anything, quite the opposite 🤪

The voice of sanity enters the thread - it’s this, 100%.

You want to go abroad for just one night? This post is really confusing.

I assume there’d be no issue if whichever parent it is were just taking them to visit family in UK? So the other parent is put out because they perceive they are missing out on a ‘ holiday’??
Lots of juggling of leave is needed once you have school age children and both parents can’t always be off at the same time.
So if one can go and take the children, this is how it needs to be this time. Not selfish as the other parent had the chance to go.

Parent 1 is going to be working Friday and Saturday anyway, so wouldn’t it actually be helpful for them if Parent 2 took the kids away and gave them some peace and quiet to finish their project?

Only read the opening post but assuming there havent been any major drip feeds 2 pages in...

No one is in rhe wrong.

Parent 1 has suggested going away next weekend to take advantage of a longer weekend.

Parent 2 can't go because of work

Parent 1 decides to do a solo trip with the children instead.

How can anyone be in the wrong when that is the perfect solution?

It’s fine for the parent who doesn’t have to work to go away with the children for the weekend. It’s actually a really nice thing to do. The parent who has to work can focus on work and have a bit of personal relaxation time hen it’s done.

This is a non issue, but if there is squabbling over who pays more into the joint account despite both working and raising the children, then there are bigger problems.

That woukd not be perfect in our famiky. If i was parent 1 i would want to wait for parent 2 to be free. If i were parent 2 i would want trip to be arranged so i could go.

This. It feels a little late to be planning a trip that it sounds as if both parents would like to go on.

In theory it fine for one parent to take a child on a trip but in this case it sounds as if the late planning/work issue has complicated things.

Parent 2 I would say is being selfish, especially if it is not coming from joint funds. However I find it interesting that P2 is relying to get their work done on working an INSET day and the following Saturday without discussion with their partner. So there is an assumption on who will be default parent then? P2 not worried about sorting childcare for the INSET day? That seems even more selfish.
Maybe P1 should tell P2 they understand P2 thinks the holiday is selfish so they too will work the following Friday and Saturday like P2 as they don’t want to be selfish and then ask P2 what their unselfish proposal is to accommodate the children’s needs.

Good advice ☝🏼

Just because you can’t do something, you can’t deny others the enjoyment. You’ll get a few childfree days to yourself which is a rare bonus!

They sound very distant from each other and not communicating well.

And also very disorganised - most households with two working parents plan out inset days much earlier.

Thank you all for your responses (especially those answering my question without casting judgement on my whole relationship based on one paragraph 😂). I really was just wondering if you would be annoyed if your partner took your kids away in this scenario / whether you would take your kids away in this scenario and think it was OK. To be clear the initial suggestion of an overnight stay was before parent 1 was aware of parent 2’s work commitments. If parent 1 goes alone they will fund trip solely, if they go together it will be funded together. Parent 2’s work can also be fairly flexible so a last minute trip wouldn’t be out of the question per se, just not that particular week unfortunately.

Re finances we do it that way so we have a small amount to do with what we please - e.g. I recently went on a holiday with close friends for our 40ths. I saved every month for this for a long while, but certainly wouldn’t have felt comfortable taking that out of family funds if we only had one pot of money. This seems common practice among friends.

I am glad to have anonymised this question as some think I’m clearly 1, some think I’m clearly 2 😂 I also felt like if I told you which I was any responses I gave would be clearly giving opinion from that perspective. And yes going abroad is a bit extreme for one day but the flight time would be shorter than a drive to London or Edinburgh for example.

So you're parent 2? edited as OP updated in a crossed post

No it's not. Why deny 3 people a holiday because a 4th can't go?

No.

God this whole thing for split finances when you have kids is just mad. It feels like it breeds selfishness and jealousy.
Answer, sort your finances, communicate better and this type of thing isn’t a dilemma at all.

Of course pp judge. That's what you've asked them to do! You want opinions - you've got them.
I'm going to agree with pp about communicating better and issues with finances though. Just advice.

Depends on priorities.

If the trip is more expensive during half-term but still affordable and definitely going to happen then I'd wait.

If it's a case of the half-term plan isn't actually likely to happen, then I'd do the inset day trip with just the one parent.

Either way, I'd want a guarantee by booking something once agreed. Either parent 2 agrees unequivocally to half-term and that gets booked, or parent 1 books the inset-day trip asap.