People who settle

[Strangerthings12]

I've had a few long-term, short-term relationships, and most of the men have turned out to be absolutely vile.

I've dated all ages, from all professions, all walks of life, but they all turned out to be vile, and most of them are married now, which I simply cannot wrap my head around.

One started to become abusive and was criticizing my size, despite the fact that I was a size 10 and very fit and healthy. He also turned out to be a deeply racist person. Another used to hide food from me in the kitchen - again I was size 10 🤷‍♀️ (not that my size should matter).

Another one, towards the end, said that he didn't enjoy my aura, which I still struggle to understand what it was, because I certainly hadn't changed. I’ve always been a nice and bubbly person and treat people with respect.

And the other one just ghosted on me one day.

These men have gone on to marry women and certainly havent changed, and I just don't understand what makes women marry men like this. I mean, as soon as I started seeing the problems, I left them, aside from the one who ghosted me. But now they're married, and I just can't get my head around how women settle for behaviors like this, because these men don't change.

The racist one went on to marry a much younger woman who is an immigrant. Make it make sense??

I’m not bitter, I couldn’t wait to get rid of these men as soon as these behaviours appeared.

I’m still single.

Agree @Crushed23

Believe what you wish

It’s a well known fact that abuse often starts years into a relationship, most often during pregnancy and when a woman tries to leave a relationship

These men are good at hiding things until a woman is vulnerable or when they feel most comfortable in the relationship

This isn’t my opinion

These are well known facts

And I left most of these men - so I didn’t settle. I left.

I think there's three explanations:

• the men like their new partners more than they liked you and treat them better than they treated you
• the women have lower standards than you and our up with bad men
• the men have learnt from their past and changed.

One of those probably make you feel superior to the other women and the other two are probably disappointing - but whichever it is, does it matter? They didn't work for you so who cares about their new relationships

No these men rarely change

Men don’t go from beating up people for the colour of their skin or abusing women over their healthy weights, into perfect partners

I've never met a man who talks about auras . Even so, if a man made snide comments about me about anything at all I'd dump him pdq. There are 2 questions her; , why did you put up with it for weeks, and if he didn't like your aura, then why did he go out with you?

I read somewhere that humans have a natural bias towards assuming unhappiness and lack of fulfilment in ‘our neighbours’, so all those marriages you assume are toxic and the women are really hard done by, could be a completely different experience for the actual people within them.

You see a woman ‘settling’ for a man with racist views. He could be a very supportive partner who shows up for her in lots of other ways and who is a net benefit to her life.

DH voted for Trump, I’m left-of-centre and can’t abide Trump. Does this impact in any way on our day-to-day lives? Does it fuck.

Likewise, your exes, Mr Racist and Mr Fat-Shamer, may have learned to keep their views to themselves, and have peaceful, content marriages.

But when I met my DH I would have dumped him the second he made one snide comment. I had abusive parents and coupled with autism and high vigilance I was always making excuses and believed I didn’t deserve happy then I did 5 hard years of me and looking and me and therapy and then I met DH

You seem to have had exceptionally bad luck in your relationships.

You don't know what the women who ended up with your exes are like, because women can hide who they are from the rest of the world just as easily as men can. Perhaps they don't have a problem with these men and don't feel they are settling at all.

Or they could be happy because

1. These men have actually changed for someone they care more for. Assuming that people don't change is pretty dumb.

1. They have the same values. You can be an immigrant and still be pretty racists.

Assuming other women have settled just because it hasn't worked out for you is the definition of arrogant. You know nothing about these women.

I would say it's mostly social conditioning. You can even read in comments of various threads on here that women still cater to, center, and coddle men

It's kind of silly for women to say another woman's picker is off when the truth is there's just so many terrible feral men out there. They have levels. they might be a level one or a level 10 arse, but they are still an arse just the same.

The ones that have proper jobs went to good schools they aren't violent but they still expect their wife to be a skivvy and put him and his needs first

So I would say social conditioning to couple up to have a guy and children is the reason and like you said they are all nice at first because otherwise nobody would go out with them

Some women are horrible people. It's not going to bother a racist woman that her partner is also racist. They can sit and bitch about their shared prejudices into their eighties together.

So the moral is she just wasn't likable enough to be treated well? Grim. That's not 'people can change,' that's blaming her for his behaviour. Abuse isn't a compatibility issue. Do better.

No one has an issue with the young australian professionals who inhabit Clapham. They love the culture they live in, integrate beautifully and bring their expertise and professional skills.

Can I ask what you think these 'young Australian professionals' might almost universally have in common, @DoctorDr ? Their Aboriginal First Nation Australian ancestry or if not that, something else?

Nope someone can absolutely be likeable but a man might still be care enough about her to treat her well. This doesn't reflect on OPs behavior at all nor did I blame her ( unless you can quote me on that)

It's a fact though that people can change for other people they care about more. Otherwise cheaters would never change for example.

Maybe the women have not settled. They are just the female version of your exes.

Exactly this

Some of us mind being alone more than others. Some of us want kids more than others. Some of us care about having money and material comfort more than others. Some of us care about sex more than others. Some of us have more career ambition than others. Some of us are more attractive (physically and in other ways) and therefore have more chance of getting a man who isn't dull (or worse). We all settle somewhere in life. It's a question of deciding where.

I have had similar experiences with vile men who say really nasty things about certain types of people then date similar. I always think it shows how society still conditions women to see any man as a prize. Someone on another thread said a lot of friends get "jealous" of relationships and I was completely stunned - I always imagine my exes new partners/wives as poor women who felt, for whatever reason, he was worth tying themselves to. It is a lack of something integral to them - I wouldnt have passed up a nice man so they must have very low self worth or something. Often I feel sorry for my friends in relationships. Once the initial dance of attention wears off from the men they are not left with much, if anything I want.

My female friends have had it worse. I get out as soon as a man starts misbehaving.

Both my siblings - brother and sister - have ended up in several abusive relationships - in fact they all have ended up that way. Yet most not all people I are happily couple up - and I'd say I was.

Think once you have one abusive relationship you do seem to be a risk of having more - often see freedom programme recommended on here as a counter to that.

Saying you are picking fine - and ending up with such poor examples I think it's denial.

Not all men are bad - just as not all women are. Finding the good ones of either sex is hard - older you get more likely they are to be coupled up as well.

A comment about weight - would get a reponse from me making it clear it wasn't welcome and more than one I wouldn't be waiting three years to dump or even the next day. Comments about auras would get teasing or if serious contempt.

You have no idea what motivating these women who got with you exs- who they are what they want or how exs behave with them - people have different faces for different people.

I think focusing on them "settling" rather than why you seem to have so many problems with relationships and picking decent men probabbly make you feel better but changes nothing - which is fine if you are happy - but if you are happy single why the fuck do you give a shiny shit about ex or new partners.

*OctoberMists *I didn’t remain very long with these men after these behaviours and comments started

These men appeared all fine for a long time

It’s why women end up in these relationships- these men are clearly not like this in the beginning otherwise they wouldn’t end up in relationships at all!

You see it in public life - so many men cheat, murder, treat women so awfully etc and they have no problem meeting a woman to settle down with again.

Well clearly you are wonderful and everyone else is just miserable and lack your insight into life.

Focusing on what exs do is clearly what people who are happy with life always do.

Maybe these women are planning to screw the exs over maybe they love them and are happy or maybe they are stupid women who failed to actually see the exs - who the fuck knows.

If other women settle for their own reasons and you are happy in life - well leave them to their folly and refuse to give it any headspace would be my advice.

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