People who settle

[Strangerthings12]

I've had a few long-term, short-term relationships, and most of the men have turned out to be absolutely vile.

I've dated all ages, from all professions, all walks of life, but they all turned out to be vile, and most of them are married now, which I simply cannot wrap my head around.

One started to become abusive and was criticizing my size, despite the fact that I was a size 10 and very fit and healthy. He also turned out to be a deeply racist person. Another used to hide food from me in the kitchen - again I was size 10 🤷‍♀️ (not that my size should matter).

Another one, towards the end, said that he didn't enjoy my aura, which I still struggle to understand what it was, because I certainly hadn't changed. I’ve always been a nice and bubbly person and treat people with respect.

And the other one just ghosted on me one day.

These men have gone on to marry women and certainly havent changed, and I just don't understand what makes women marry men like this. I mean, as soon as I started seeing the problems, I left them, aside from the one who ghosted me. But now they're married, and I just can't get my head around how women settle for behaviors like this, because these men don't change.

The racist one went on to marry a much younger woman who is an immigrant. Make it make sense??

I’m not bitter, I couldn’t wait to get rid of these men as soon as these behaviours appeared.

I’m still single.

I meet plenty of vile women. Some couples work well because they're both awful people.

This!!

Exactly and really OP why do you care. You've moved on and so have they.

Men change, I bet everyone’s DP has an ex who thinks they had a lucky escape. My DPs ex certainly does yet I don’t have the same issues she did, he changed and most of the time they change for the right person, that’s the point in relationships not working out you grow

Do you really think a man who beats up another man for their skin colour will change?

Do you really think a man who hides food from his size 10 girlfriend will not repeat these kind of behaviours in the future?

That’s true I was reading on how people with dismissive avoidant attachment styles often work well with narcissists

There’s rose-tinted optimism that overlooks obvious issues, plus a LOT of women hold to the delusion that their love and care can change a man - or that his love for her will change him.

Then they get trapped before they wake up to reality.

A lot change for the worse though. They start out energetic, cheerful and kind, then age, career success and structural sexism (once DC arrive) render them complacent, pompous and lazy.

You see that all the time, in life and on here, with people who got together in their 20s and seemed to regard each other as equals, until DC arrived.

Obviously these exes weren't your perfect, but they were somebody elses. That's why people date to find someone they click with.

I think there's a broader principle in this. Some people are objectively awful, whereas others just don't bring out the best in each other.

I'd probably be considered a complete nightmare and not pulling my weight in certain relationships as my ADHD means that I often get overwhelmed and can't always cope very well with the basics in life. I wouldn't do well living with someone who was very organised and had all their shit together as I'd 'let the team down, but my DH is as hapless as I am so although we do argue and can both be unreasonable at times, it's rarely over things like the state of the house as we understand that this is an area where we both struggle.

We all have our flaws, although I agree that the racism and weight comments are beyond the pale.

This is not meant as a reflection on you at all, but the colleague who I've found it most difficult to work with so far in my career is regarded as 'bubbly and cheerful' by almost all of those around her. Somehow we just didn't click.

I agree with that poster. You are coming across like you think you're superior to women who are married. Some single women do this, and I think it's jealousy, bitterness, and projection. I see way more rude, unpleasant, and sneering comments from perma single women aimed at married women than I do the other way around. I have yet to see a married woman having a pop at a single woman asking 'why are you still single?!' and mocking and deriding them...

Playing devil's advocate, maybe these men realised they just didn't like you that much, and wanted to end the relationship, so started behaving shittily in the hope you would finish with them. Many men do that. They're too scared to dump a woman as they're worried about the reaction, so they act like a tool until she dumps him...

Seen it happen many times.

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No, three of them didn’t want to end it. Even if they did, it’s totally unnecessary and an abusive way to behave.

Ive emphasised a few times I don’t think I’m better than anyone but I won’t stand in the way of your assumption.

Yes not everyone gets along.

I’m clearly not talking about that though.

I beg to differ. I believe they did want to end it. In the hope you would be put off and want to dump them. Seen it happen a lot.

It seems more likely to be true (what I said,) because other women seem to be happy with them. In the 2020s (21st century even) women are not staying with men who are arseholes. These men are very likely behaving differently/better with the other women. As I said, I have seen this happen a lot.

Plenty of us manage all those things inside a happy marriage.

Of course you know the full story from the few words I’ve shared on here lol

And of course I know the full story of how the women some of my ex’s married are feeling

For all we know, they could be deeply unhappy and planning their escape 🤷‍♀️

I wondered about that too.
Odd (as in strange).

There are certainly things I compromised on with DH (is this ‘settling’?), but my god am I glad I did, because he is definitely a massive net benefit in my life.

No one’s perfect. One woman’s trash… etc.

Very easy to read between the lines. You are giving away much more than you realise.

The racist guy? When he met the woman he would marry, he was still calling me every week begging to meet me

But, no, of course he wanted to end it with me because it fits YOUR narrative

Didn't see you mention the fact that he was calling you every week after you were finished, BEGGING to meet you (even though he was getting married,) right up to this post.

I guess this fits YOUR narrative! (Not sure why you didn't pop this nugget of information on til over 6 hours after you started the thread!..)

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Maybe it's not men...it's people who constantly disappoint?

I fully agree. My DH is a workaholic. He loves to be busy. I love time alone and my hobbies. We both have failed relationships with needier partners who felt neglected but it works for us.

Why would I? It doesn’t have anything to do with my main question

i added the info in response to one of the many great assumptions you’ve been making

Yes, it’s funny how OP equates settling with marriage. Surely going out with an absolute cunt for 3 years is the definition of ‘settling’?!

Men can hide their personalities, yes, but I find it hard to believe there were no ignored red flags in 3 years…