People who settle

[Strangerthings12]

I've had a few long-term, short-term relationships, and most of the men have turned out to be absolutely vile.

I've dated all ages, from all professions, all walks of life, but they all turned out to be vile, and most of them are married now, which I simply cannot wrap my head around.

One started to become abusive and was criticizing my size, despite the fact that I was a size 10 and very fit and healthy. He also turned out to be a deeply racist person. Another used to hide food from me in the kitchen - again I was size 10 🤷‍♀️ (not that my size should matter).

Another one, towards the end, said that he didn't enjoy my aura, which I still struggle to understand what it was, because I certainly hadn't changed. I’ve always been a nice and bubbly person and treat people with respect.

And the other one just ghosted on me one day.

These men have gone on to marry women and certainly havent changed, and I just don't understand what makes women marry men like this. I mean, as soon as I started seeing the problems, I left them, aside from the one who ghosted me. But now they're married, and I just can't get my head around how women settle for behaviors like this, because these men don't change.

The racist one went on to marry a much younger woman who is an immigrant. Make it make sense??

I’m not bitter, I couldn’t wait to get rid of these men as soon as these behaviours appeared.

I’m still single.

There are good men out there. Keep looking.

Men learn from their behaviours, to which I mean they learn to hide it better until it's too late for the women involved.

The racist one went on to marry a much younger woman who is an immigrant. Make it make sense??

Just to pick out one aspect of your post, an awful lot of anti-immigration politicians seem to marry people from other countries. Farage, Trump, and Dutch politician Geert Wilders spring to mind for starters.

I don’t know what it means but presumably someone has come up with a theory!

Better to stay single isn't it.
I guess the women they're married don't mind the racism or remarks, or offset it against having money etc.

People get together for all sorts of reasons.

Thank you, I try hard to select when dating, but I’m always met with something - it can take a few month, or even a few years

Men are very good at hiding but I guess I’m less tolerant than other women?

I also appreciate women end up with men far worse than these ones! I wonder why?

I am quite privileged in that I’m independent and can support myself. I have a good network of family and friends. And I haven’t become pregnant so am fortunately not tied to any of these men.

I also simply couldn’t be with someone putting me down, making comments about my body, or my personality. I’m a good person. I’m also told I’m attractive. I know it’s not me, it’s these men.

Yet im still single 🤷‍♀️

The left love to deliberately misunderstand anti-immigration sentiment.

No one has an issue with the young australian professionals who inhabit Clapham. They love the culture they live in, integrate beautifully and bring their expertise and professional skills.

Whitechapel and Bradford on the other hand..

When you understand not even Restore and Rupert Lowe are blanket opposed to immigration maybe you'll understand the nuance. There is quality immigration and low quality immigration. Why would it be contradictory for Farage / Wilders etc to marry an immigrant?

Men are very good at hiding but I guess I’m less tolerant than other women?

Maybe this is your problem - you seem to be keen to present yourself as a cut above other women who 'settle'. Who's to say the man's foreign wife isn't racist too? Just because she hails from somewhere else, doesn't preclude her from being racist and racism can often present as prejudice against one specific race rather than anyone who is from somewhere else.

I've never dated anyone who was cruel or made negative comments about my looks or personality, made racist comments or would even talk about 'auras' with a straight face - maybe you've just had bad luck.

My ex would make nasty comments about the intelligence of black peoples and got into a fight with ‘an Asian man’ at the gym

That’s the kind of racism I’m talking about

With the greatest respect, I don’t think it’s my problem. I’m a good person. I treat everyone kindly. I do not assume I’m better.

I do wonder how women end up with these kind of men though - these are abusive men.

When you understand not even Restore and Rupert Lowe are blanket opposed to immigration maybe you'll understand the nuance. There is quality immigration and low quality immigration. Why would it be contradictory for Farage / Wilders etc to marry an immigrant?

Precisely this. It's downright stupid to compare Farage's German ex-wife, who came to country completely legally, to the people coming illegally on boats.

I don't know, I have some sympathy with you, OP. I can honestly say that all my exes revealed themselves to be deeply flawed. I know we are all flawed but there's flawed and an addict, or there's flawed and profound mental health issues. They all seemed so nice at first.

I am now married to a very sweet man, but I only managed to be with him because I became extremely good at noticing red flags. I used to brush obvious red flags aside but I stopped doing that. I do wonder if quite a lot of people are quite delusional about their partners because you see some nice people with some complete and utter twats. I dunno, perhaps one person's twat is another person's dream come true?

I only know what happened to one of my exes. His partner split from him. Sensible woman.

I love that you met a good man. I worry I’ve become too jaded to even date again.

I do know what happened to my exes, not that I particularly wanted to know but it just so happens we have acquaintances in common.

None have fared very well. I even feel a little bit sorry for them.

With respect, your posts reak of you thinking you're better than these women. I wouldn't want these men, either and certainly wouldn't put up with their shit and I'm not saying you're wrong in your assessment of them, but all this 'I wouldn't do this', 'I don't undersrand how they're married', 'I'm so independent' blah blah blah. It's good to have srandards, but what do you want from this post, a gold star? Or to show how superior you are to these dumb, desperate women who put up with low quality men?

I don’t think these women are dumb or that I’m better than them. I wonder how they’re able to put up with these vile men.

Yes, of course I want a gold star. What bizarre comment.

Funnily enough I was out a few nights ago and a woman in the group made a remark about spinsters which was really derogatory. As someone with a similar experience to OP, I asked why that seemed like an insult. She was flummoxed. She is someone who is on her second unhappy marriage where everything revolves around her husband but is utterly convinced she couldn’t be ok on her own and that women who are unmarried with no children are deeply weird. She is also one of those women who does the whole “what are men like” thing while complaining about her husbands behaviour. So I guess the vile men find women like this who just seem to accept that being treated poorly is just how life works.

Harsh to say, but some women have low standards! Some women don’t call out bad behaviour, some women are really submissive and the idea of being alone is more scary than putting up with a below average partner.

This

OP, a good thing to do is to look at your friends and family because they are likely to be fairly similar to you in standards and values. Are they happily married?

One friend of mine is in a deeply abusive marriage & trying to extracate herself.
Another is divorced twice and now single
A third is widowed but tells stories about how they only went on holiday where he wanted, and he treated her dd by a previous marriage as an inconvenienceI
I have three friends who seem happily married.
I have one dsis who's divorced due to coercive control & dv.
Another who is widowed but her husband resented her going out!
A third who I thought was my proof that a happy marriage was possible until she announced one day that she wished she'd never married. 🙁

Four in ten marriages fail, but no-one knows how many of the 6 in ten that last, are happy. In my small poll, not many.

I refused to settle. I couldn't find a man who wanted to be an equal partner. Maybe it was my generation. Instead I have a nice peaceful life, have given my ds a secure happy home, no nasty surprises, infidelity or financial shocks, no bullying or drunkeness, no forced moves, a lovely house, my pension is intact.

I honestly think marriage is too great a risk for any woman able to bring in a decent salary. That doesn't mean I don't date. I just ensure ds and I are secure first.

Some men are abusive to any woman, first example would probably just be vile to anyone.

Looking at what the last two did I would hazard a guess they just didn’t like you and you were a will do for the time being girlfriend. I would imagine they re probably very different to women they love.

Men will sleep with women they don’t like at all.

I don’t know where you got the idea that I’m “the left” or anything else you asserted in your derail.

As an Australian I can tell you that an awful lot of English people absolutely loathe us. They feel that we are beneath them.

Let’s get the thread back on track shall we?

I think it can take time to learn to notice red flags.
It also depends on what you have been conditioned to accept. I had an abusive mother and it took me a long time to develop boundaries and have any significant self-respect. I think that's why I ended up marrying an abusive man.
I also learned that many guys reveal their quirks quite early in the association. I think some of us don't take any notice because we know that "nobody's perfect".
I'm now married again to a good man, but he isn't perfect !