People who settle

[Strangerthings12]

I've had a few long-term, short-term relationships, and most of the men have turned out to be absolutely vile.

I've dated all ages, from all professions, all walks of life, but they all turned out to be vile, and most of them are married now, which I simply cannot wrap my head around.

One started to become abusive and was criticizing my size, despite the fact that I was a size 10 and very fit and healthy. He also turned out to be a deeply racist person. Another used to hide food from me in the kitchen - again I was size 10 🤷‍♀️ (not that my size should matter).

Another one, towards the end, said that he didn't enjoy my aura, which I still struggle to understand what it was, because I certainly hadn't changed. I’ve always been a nice and bubbly person and treat people with respect.

And the other one just ghosted on me one day.

These men have gone on to marry women and certainly havent changed, and I just don't understand what makes women marry men like this. I mean, as soon as I started seeing the problems, I left them, aside from the one who ghosted me. But now they're married, and I just can't get my head around how women settle for behaviors like this, because these men don't change.

The racist one went on to marry a much younger woman who is an immigrant. Make it make sense??

I’m not bitter, I couldn’t wait to get rid of these men as soon as these behaviours appeared.

I’m still single.

If you feel like you won't be able to find a good one then maybe you should concentrate on making strong friendships, cultivate social relationships, take on new hobbies, that kind of thing. I think the best relationships come out of nowhere, when you aren't looking for one.

It’s not my observation, GPs, midwives and obstetricians are trained in spotting and handling abuse because it’s very well documented that a man will first start to abuse his partner during pregnancy.

Thanks for sharing your experience, it certainly is in line with what I’ve seen in men generally and how they behave - massive takers generally, not natural givers. Not great if you’re a giving woman.

There are great men out there, but very few and far between.

There are many couples made up of people who wouldn’t be right for other people, or who have behaviors which others couldn’t tolerate. I think it’s probably true that some people crave a relationship (with whoever will give that to them) whereas some will wait for the ‘best’ one and throw the others back.
It sounds judgy to say this is ‘settling’ - I think people just make the best decisions for themselves as they go.

I am leaving the thread now. Sorry if I caused any offence with my words @Strangerthings12

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Of course. It’s evidenced and informs NHS policy.

If a partner has a tendency to be controlling or jealous, this behaviour can worsen if a pregnancy is thrown into the mix. And greater stress can worsen any negative traits.

It won’t necessarily always happen, but for me these two traits - control and jealousy - are strong red flags that have made me walk away from otherwise promising potential partners.

You played a role in not recognising a wrong 'un sooner. You can't control other people so pay attention to what you can - becoming better at screening out men early on.

I wouldn’t call a lot of what you’ve described as settling, OP — more as being duped/deceived by someone who hides their true colours initially. To me, settling is more about deciding to be/stay with someone essentially kind (or at the very least benign) in order to be in a relationship or start/have a family. Someone you love but aren’t in love with…