People who settle

[Strangerthings12]

I've had a few long-term, short-term relationships, and most of the men have turned out to be absolutely vile.

I've dated all ages, from all professions, all walks of life, but they all turned out to be vile, and most of them are married now, which I simply cannot wrap my head around.

One started to become abusive and was criticizing my size, despite the fact that I was a size 10 and very fit and healthy. He also turned out to be a deeply racist person. Another used to hide food from me in the kitchen - again I was size 10 🤷‍♀️ (not that my size should matter).

Another one, towards the end, said that he didn't enjoy my aura, which I still struggle to understand what it was, because I certainly hadn't changed. I’ve always been a nice and bubbly person and treat people with respect.

And the other one just ghosted on me one day.

These men have gone on to marry women and certainly havent changed, and I just don't understand what makes women marry men like this. I mean, as soon as I started seeing the problems, I left them, aside from the one who ghosted me. But now they're married, and I just can't get my head around how women settle for behaviors like this, because these men don't change.

The racist one went on to marry a much younger woman who is an immigrant. Make it make sense??

I’m not bitter, I couldn’t wait to get rid of these men as soon as these behaviours appeared.

I’m still single.

Sadly some women will simply put up with it because they want a partner, basically "any" partner. I've certainly had friends/relatives who literally couldn't manage without having a boyfriend/partner for more than a week or two after a break up - they'd go out "on the pull" virtually straight away and choose yet another dead-beat, basically the first person to show them any interest and they'd go full on into another doomed relationship.

It must be a lack of self respect/self esteem/confidence etc.

There was a newspaper article a few weeks ago about four women who'd been seriously abused/beaten and a couple of them had been killed by their "partners". All were "decent" women with careers, good looking etc., and all four men were ugly/rough looking deadbeats (either no jobs or menial jobs). These weren't short term/one night stands either - they were long term relationships of 1-5 years. I just couldn't believe why the women had stayed with the deadbeats for so long, especially after repeated assaults/abuse over the years.

I really just don't get it at all.

I do, though, have hope from some posts of MN where women have been told to "LTB" and have done so, so there is hope.

I just don't know how we can change things. Maybe more teaching of women about self confidence, self respect, self defence, etc so that they're more like to realise red flag warning signs at earlier stages, and to defend themselves if they get into abusive/violent relationships??

People do change. I know I am a lot more patient, supportive and kinder now to my DH than I was to boyfriends in my twenties and thirties.

I'm sure if an equivalent place to Mumsnet for men to share their grievances exist there could be a few of my exes telling stories that my DH would never in a million years recognise to be me.

So it is possible they improved.

I'm also not convinced by your claim that other women are settling. Any woman I've ever known irl that claims she just has 'really high standards' generally has anything but. I don't know how you ended up in a relationship with a man who was racist or who thought it was appropriate to suggest you were big at any size. No man who got past a first date with me would have had these traits.

What a horrible way to describe people. I guess I'm a very low quality human as I have a very low income.

Some women have incredibly low self esteem due growing up in a household where abusive men was the norm. It's a difficult pattern to break out of.

Ghosting after a 3 year long relationship is abusive.

Making snide comments about a woman’s aura and her personality for weeks - especially during my birthday and holidays - is abusive

These men clearly aren’t like this in the beginning

Most abuse actually starts during pregnancy, it’s a well known fact

Men can hide it for a long time

Serial killers have women lining up to have a relationship with them so yes some women have very low standards

I'm also not convinced by your claim that other women are settling

a woman who marries a man who beats up other men for being Asian is settling

a woman who marries a man who can one day up and leave with no word is marrying a man with no integrity

and I don’t need you to be convinced

Don't most women settle? Because they want children? Which means having a man to father the children, and share the parenting and the bills? (Or, in some cases, pay all the bills).

Have you considered it could be your smugness, not the fact you're australian?

"Let’s get the thread back on track shall we?" 🙄🙄🙄

Here we go with the intentionally misundestanding.
Always goes back to that good old addage

"It's amazing how much of leftist discourse is just them pretending not to understand things. Thus making discourse impossible"

Glad to hear you found and married a good one!

So maybe that’s why I’m still single? If most women settle? It’s painful but I’d rather be lonely than with a man I can’t respect

But that’s just me

I appreciate people are different and situations are different, I just try to understand why

I think many of us women have a good instinct. Some women have had shit parents who have made poor decisions, so they are more likely to put up with shitty men.
Maybe get someone you trust to pick a partner for you because you obviously have not honed your gut to recognise these sorts at the off
Ps
There are still lot's of good men out there, the problem is, they are all spoken for, by maybe, just maybe by some vile women 😂

*Weeellokthen *these men don’t start this way otherwise I wouldn’t go near them! My family and friends etc all met them too

I don’t think it’s me not spotting them soon enough - I do spot them as soon as the nasty behaviours start

There are plenty of men I’ve been on a few dates with that show obvious signs

But most won’t - it comes later once the mask slips

Your picker seems to be off. I don't know how you managed to find all these vile men, or how truly vile they were, finding two that criticised your eating when you were very slim is strange, did they marry skinny women? The racist one does seem nasty no idea how you got with him. The one that walked away obviously thought it was over, not a good way to do it though. Some people do bring out the worst in each other.

People do change as they get older for the better or the worse, obviously their wives saw something in them that you didn't. To assume they settled is pretty condescending.

*chirrupybird *are you aware of how prevalent abuse is?

No my picker isn’t off. I left these men quite quickly after they started exhibiting these behaviours!

Stupid question you see it all over the news all of the time and as a child I lived in a pretty rough place and wives getting beaten up wasn't uncommon, those men were vile. But since that time I have known over the years a lot of men and a very few that I would call 'vile', all your encounters seem to be with vile men. I never dated a vile man or a violent man or a racist man, I threw a few back but not for serious personality flaws just not compatible.

Not a stupid question in response to some of your assumptions

Abuse is far more than just physical

And no I’ve dated men who weren’t vile

Why are you having comments deleted?

These women are more vulnerable and easier to abuse because they’re away from their family, support networks, language, usually career opportunities and dependent on them for visas

Of course some women ignore the red flags because they're desperate for a man, any man.

I think the mistake you're making is that you're not comparing different types of relationships. Your thinking is very narrow.

A short term relationship where things go wrong and you realise and you end it, isn't the same as being in a long term relationship and it's quite insulting to say women have settled.

A woman can meet a lovely man and marry in their twenties, but people change... life has its challenges with bereavements and illnesses, 30 years later a woman will tolerate imperfections for a number of reasons (financial, family etc). They didn't set out to settle!