AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

Well, quite. I'm not religious but if I were, I'd be a lot more worried about the prospect of eternal damnation than about the risk of some money falling into the wrong hands.

You can't have a successful relationship with someone you don't trust.
It is absurd to suggest that you can.

If the OP has a marriage-like ceremony without actually getting married it will only highlight that she doesn't trust him.

The whole thing will be ridiculous. A farce.

(Obviously in cultures where the marriage ceremony is religious only it is NOT farcical and I'm not talking about marriages where things are made official later, either. )

Your last bit about 'trust me' is a complete red herring and utterly irrelevant.
And obviously she doesn't trust him.

Same here.
It can be very inonvenient, not to mention expensive, to attend a wedding.
I don't particularly enjoy them but go because in certain cases there's simply no getting out of it.

(The whole invite not a summons things gets on my nerves-of course you must attend your sister's wedding if there's no real reason not to!!)

Because of this, I like to think that at least the couple are starting out trusting each other and going all in.

Anybody who sent me a fake wedding invite would be told no thanks the very same hour I got it. No hesitation. Not going.
If they were close to me they'd know how I felt about it and wouldn't ask, anyway.
Or were so close like a sister that I might put my misgivings aside.

Not that I'd imagine anyone doing this because frankly OP's fake wedding scenario is alien to me unless it's a growing trend.

You can't have a successful relationship with someone you don't trust.
It is absurd to suggest that you can.
If the OP has a marriage-like ceremony without actually getting married it will only highlight that she doesn't trust him.
The whole thing will be ridiculous. A farce.

my thoughts exactly!

It's fine to not want actual marriage but will you get a CofE blessing? I thought that was largely for gay couples who couldnt not those who dont want to. You defo wont be able to do the traditional ceremony but possibly some general prayers?

I find it so odd that people would judge you for this (but, as seen in this thread, they would!) It's so bizarre to me that people wouldn't want to go to the trouble of going to a wedding just because the couple have decided on a legal status that suits their family! It wouldn't occur to me to even think of the legal status of someones wedding- You're making a commitment in a way that is meaningful to you. I think it's ace!
I have been officially married and it was very complicated and legally awful at the end. It took a decade to get out of it. Now I am with a lovely man, we had a small but meaningful ceremony, just the both of us, and wear rings and call one another husband and wife. To me, marrying in this way has felt more intimate and personal to us as a couple, because it was about who we are and not based on tradition. If people don't think of us as married, that's okay- it's what we feel that counts.
This way will make it easier for my whole family when I die. Legal marriage just wouldn't make sense for us.

This is very open to interpretation though- I totally understand your viewpoint, but marriage is legal protection and I see it the other way round. As in, some people get married so they're not shafted when their DP leaves them.

I don't think there's right and wrong here, just different viewpoints.

I do trust him and I trust myself. That's the point.

I trust us both now to make the decision we have that suits our family and protects our children's futures individually.

If we had all of our children together, and had built wealth together then we would be making a different decision.

The whole reason she won't make it legal is because she doesn't trust him.
I don't understand why people don't get this.

Weddings can be a pain in the ass to attend. There's no way I'd go if I didn't even believe they had a proper relationship that involves trust - at least to start with.

Why would I go out of my way for a couple where at least one of the couple had one foot out the door at the start?

What exactly is being celebrated here? That they're a couple? So what.

For others who really believe in marriage and its sanctity it would also be a no because clearly they don't really want to be 'as one' and fully join themselves together as a unit.

That’s all fine but why do you need to have a pretend wedding? You can just continue to cohabit as many couples do. You’re making a mockery out of the whole thing.

You clearly do not trust him.
That's OK.
Not judging you for it at all but nevertheless it is clear that you don't trust him.

Why are you insisting that you do?

Literally just change your name by deed-poll if that’s what you want, but don’t make a song and dance over a bf and gf relationship that isn’t going to ever be more than that.

Agree. She's effectively asking all the guests, presuming they hail from a vaguely Christian background or just believe in 'something', to change their entire view of what a marriage is to suit her.

Why should they change, why can't she do what people usually do in these circumstances and just cohabit?

Nobody judges cohabiting these days for goodness sake. I don't.

You trust him,but not with your money or income- what sort of trust is that?

Sure. You can have a ceremony to declare yourself the owner of a house you rent, if you want. But you won't be.