AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

It’s all fake though? You can’t go around calling him your husband because he actually isn’t? Sounds like an odd thing to do.

why is it deceitful to have a humanist wedding and not announce that its not legally binding? nothing to stop people searching for answers if they want

as for next of kin, there isn't a legal definition, I can name my best friend as next of kin if I want to.

You can have a wedding/hand-fasting/blessing in an unlicensed building and it won't be legal. I think legal weddings can only be done in licensed premises, registry office or church. We got married in a masonic chapel but had to also do it at the registry office. I don't know if you will be able to call yourself married, take his name or get the benefits that married couples do if you are not legally married. Can you not just get legally married but make a will stipulating that everything goes to your daughter. If you go down the road of a non-legal ceremony i would be honest with people though that it's not a legal marriage.

Thank you yes I'm aware of this cohabitation agreement. Without going to much into it. I own my own home, I have always insisted he maintains rent on a studio flat. That is his tenancy. It's cheap, he receives post and pays council tax there. Technically we don't come under cohabitation. in a break up that's where he will have to go. Also again it protect my assets for my daughter and his finances are for his. If the parameters change we will change our approach. Love and financial security are not in the same category for me unfortunately as I have been financially ruined by a man I had loved before!

Of course it's deceitful. The families will make all sorts of assumptions now that they are 'married'.

Like I said, I don't give a toss what others do, but I would be mightily pissed off if a family member pretended they were married because I might be expected to help them at a later date.

They both die in a car crash. The families assume they're married but they're not actually married after all.
What a mess.

Most of the point of being married in the UK is the legal protection, so I'm guessing you are elsewhere. Have a blessing, tell people you are married. However having a party and pretending you are married does not show any kind of commitment- you seem quite confused.

A surviving spouse can challenge this. Then what will I do? I'll be dead.

That's very different though because they couldn't legally marry. I don't know what religion OP is but if I wants the ceremony in a church I doubt it's possible Cof E vicars are also automatically registrars as I think are some priests from other Christian demoninatuons.
If it's a different religion it would be possible

What protection will legal give me as the highest earner with the most assets and an existing child from outside of the marriage?

If drawn up by a solicitor and you both take legal advise and it’s done at least 28 days (I think) in advance it would almost certainly be upheld

Pur lease

Think it through and have some integrity.

I completely understand why you would both want this, and I actually think it sounds lovely. You can have a celebrant who will do vows and say lovely words but isn’t legally binding. British people can’t get married in Spain so often have the small legal registry in England and then a big celebrant wedding in Spain with friends and family.

Yeah well marriage IS about legalities and money not how you perceive it to be.
People marry people they don't love all the time.

To be frank it would be very daft to have a fake ceremony that looks like marriage.

You've been warned. I'm sure there will be some cohabitee rights coming in soon.
Maybe not akin to divorce but some.

Especially for those who've raised a child together - whether or not the child is biological shared or not.
Your dp will argue that he has acted as a step parent even if he's not officially one.

saying of course it is - isn't an explanation

I don't see that having a humanist wedding and inviting people to a humanist wedding as deceitful.

Not announcing in big letter that this wedding isn't legally binding, isn't deceitful

You can have a blessing and make promises that suit what you want to promise (rather than the legal committment that marriage is). Then have a party to celebrate your relationship.

So not a marriage but more an expression of your love for each other.

If you wish to protect your money and your future earnings for you and your daughter only you can't get married- what sort of commitment are you willing to make?
Being married is designed to make you one flesh, body, soul and finances- that's the commitment.
What you want is a big party and to be the centre of attention, that is a wedding, but it comes as a package with marriage. You can't have a wedding without a commitment- have a party, be honest with yourself and your guests, you are not willing to make the commitment.

@Interaillingmum do you attend a church?
Are marriages that take place in that church actually legal ones anyway?
I know a couple who are Christidelphian (spelling?).
They got married in their church but to be legally married they had to go to a Registrar Office and do the civil marriage part.

Get a blessing in church or have a fancy ceremony in Thailand which doesn't count as a legal marriage in the UK.

"I love him - but I don't trust him..."

It’s not really comparable to a Nikkah OP - that is usually done so the couple can spend a bit more time alone together without “sinning” and is usually followed by a legal marriage a few months later. It’s a bit of an interim arrangement.

Presumably you are already “sinning” 🤣 with your DP and the concern is not about wedlock for these purposes?

Maybe some kind of blessing ceremony? I’m not really sure there’s a neat answer. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to not want to marry for the reasons you’ve outlined, but not sure what the alternative is.

I know someone who did this years ago, they went abroad and had the ‘wedding’ ceremony but didn’t do any of the legal stuff and didn’t register it at home in the uk.

She absolutely can have ‘half a marriage ceremony’, and so what if she would like to have a day being centre of attention,in addition to getting their union blessed? Everyone likes to be seen and celebrated at some point in life. It’s part of human nature and it’s not morally superior to not want attention or celebration.

OP - I had the vicar at my church conduct a Christian wedding ceremony for us at a nice hotel in central London, where we wanted to have our wedding. That wasn’t actually legally binding because it wasn’t in a church, so we went to the registry office with a couple of friends as witnesses a few days before to do the legal bit. So you could just skip the registry bit and have your religious vows, ceremony and dinner/party at a venue of your choice. All the best with it.

Exactly it's tacky as hell-like something off Love Island.
When I go to a wedding I like to think at least think at the start there's love AND trust there - at least at the beginning even if it goes wrong later.

I don't care if people marry or not but no way would I go to a fake wedding.

It’s not a commitment. Because a commitment comes with rights & responsibilities that you don’t want.

It’s a party to celebrate your relationship. Nothing wrong with that but there’s no need to present it as anything other than what it is.