AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

Because it’s not actually committing to one another for life.

It would be highly embarrassing to invite people to ‘celebrate their relationship’ unless it’s an actual legally binding wedding. It’s cringe. I can assure you most people would think ‘who cares and no thanks, what a waste of my time and money, and the ‘happy’ couple could be split up next week!’.

It's fine not to be married these days.
I don't pass judgement on it but realistically you'd have to inform your guests that this is not a proper marriage they're attending.

All you're really doing by having a wedding ceremony without actually getting married is highlighting how much you distrust your partner to your guests.

After all, you've gone to all this trouble of a ceremony without getting actually married. Why the heck not?
She doesn't trust him, they'd think.
Quite correctly as it happens.

The whole thing would just be really weird.

Frankly, you might as well write I DON'T TRUST HIM in ten feet high letters on the side of The Houses of Parliament.

I mean, I feel like that about weddings in general but I can assure you that whether they’re legally binding or not does not remotely come into it. If you're willing to go to the big pointless tacky party anyway I fail to see what difference a legal contract makes.

So by this logic anyone who has a nikkah or a hand fasting doesn’t trust their partner?

Then don’t get married. I actually understand and agree with your logic.

But what’s the actual point of the “ceremony without the legal bit”? That’s the bit I don’t get. What you’re describing is basically a bash to celebrate your relationship which is a bizarre thing to do. I wouldn’t bother attending something like that tbh. You may as well just call it a party and maybe once your guests are assembled you can tack something on like an announcement about how much you love each other and make a coupe of speeches.

Again, a bit odd and I would cringe hard if my friends did similar but it seems you want to do ‘something’ to formalise your relationship so🤷🏽‍♀️

I don't think this is as smart as you think it is.
On 5 yrs when things go south he could def give notice on that tenancy and you would likely be none the wiser until its "too late".

Its also blocking council housing which is scummy.

I literally cannot understand the point of the £20-50k party when you wpnt actually marry or be joining your lives in ANY meaningful way. Why would ypu waste that money....stick it in savings for your child or go on ana amazing holiday or 3....

But you didn’t “have” to do any of that regardless of the legal standing. I never bring gifts to weddings or buy a new outfit and I’d never attend an overseas wedding, couldn’t care less if it’s legal or not, I decide how much expense I’m willing to put out on other people’s events.

I've actually never checked for any wedding I've been to if they did the legal part also. They could all be ceremonial for all I know. Only one couple has signed in front of the whole wedding party.

He doesn't live in council housing and neither do I. We never have.

I would also never spend 20k+ on a wedding.

It’s no less cringey than a “real” wedding ceremony. They’re a glorified pantomime.

Oh is Stacey Solomon not properly married then?

Stacey Solomon has done exactly what I am proposing. She is in a ceremonial marriage to Joe Swash only. No legal bit.

So in short no, she is not married

This is such a hard one, as I’m in the same boat in lots of ways.

it seems there’s no clear answer on here.

I wonder if it’s possible to sign over most of your assets etc to your child before getting married. Then you go into the marriage in a similar financial position to him.

I would absolutely love to be married. It’s really important to me.

but it does seem reckless to hand all my assets etc over to him and his kids.

that’s the hardest part about it.

And this is the bar we aspire to?
😅

Very good ...

Exactly, but she would say she is. And refers to her husband and him to his wife. They live as a married committed couple as far as we can see. Her wedding was shared all over and no one really said it was unreasonable.

Ahh interesting, I guess her net worth was so much more than his. And she did have her two kids to protect. But now they’ve got 3 kids together.

In terms of protecting my child's assets as she has done yes. It's financially strong.

Regardless of what you think.of her as a social media personality.

Most of the point of being married in the UK is the legal protection Not for me and those I'm close too. The point of marriage is to make a life long and public commitment to each other.

So what do you want from the wedding if not the marriage?

The meringue frock? The party? The presents? (I sincerely hope not.) Because that's all I can see it to be if you don't also want the commitment. So have them. But don't call it a wedding because it isn't.

But she isn’t married. To go about calling someone your husband who demonstrably is not your husband is embarrassing and weird

Yes I wasn't sure what the legal thing actually was with vicars/priests etc but when you have a CofE/Catholic/most mainstream Christianity churches you don't have to then go to the registrar office to have a follow up civil one.
So how does it work?
I remember reading years ago about a vicar who had forgotten to renew some kind of paperwork and it meant a years worth of weddings he had done the couples discovered they weren't legally married.

I do want the commitment. I also want to protect my child financially.

A fake wedding isn’t a commitment though? It doesn’t mean anything

Thank you, this is really helpful