AIBU to want a wedding ceremony without making the marriage legal?

[Interaillingmum]

I am a single mum of a DD and my partner of 4 years is a full time single dad of twin DDs.

I earn more than double his salary. He cooks and does other things that I am terrible at! He's not fussed about marriage but I've always wanted to be married since I was a little girl. Im religious and marriage for me means I would like to take vows on our union, have it blessed and celebrate with loved ones. He is willing to do this.

I've been in a relationship that traumatised me in the past. I've built up everything I have now from scratch and even though I have love and stability in my relationship I know that things can change. I would hate to risk that.

If anything happens to me I want my assets to go to my DD without question. Inheritance my DD. If anything were to sour our relationship id want to separate without a lengthy legal battle. I'd want what's his to go to his DDS if anything happened vice versa.

Marriage provides me with no legal protection and would put me in a worse position for protecting my funds and my DDs future but I do want to have the wedding and make a commitment to this man.

Aibu to have our wedding but not follow it up with a legal registry?

It's your life op you can do what you like.

You could get a blessing. That's somewhat common to do.

I understand your logic OP, however I do think you commit to him and your relationship, or you don't.
Draw up a very direct and firm pre-nuptial agreement.

What religion are you?
I might be wrong but I think CofE Vicars are also classed as registrars (if that's the correct title?) so if they conduct a wedding it counts as a legal marriage as well as a religious one. But in some other faiths the faith leader isn't so a wedding is not legal just symbolic.

Not necessarily binding in UK

It's your choice.
You can have a Celtic Handfasting Ceremony or a Secular Ceremony performed by a Member of the National Secular Society.
Neither are classed as legal weddings in uk.

Obviously do what you want.
You're asking opinions though and I really do not see the point.

You say you want to make a commitment but not enough to ensure he receives legal protections it seems.
And you obviously don't trust him not to fleece you in a divorce.

Nobody has to take another person's money, anyway.

I am not saying everybody should be married at all, but I'd think this whole thing would be naff.

What's the point of it? You've already made a private commitment.

You can't have half a marriage ceremony.

The whole thing makes me roll my eyes.

Do you want to be the centre of attention for a day? Is that what is behind this?

Do you want a fake wedding or do you want a blessing?

I hate to break it to you, OP, because believe me the idea of marriage by default infuriates me, but this bloody government is talking of making people effectively married by default after a few years (3) anyway if cohabiting so if I were you I'd ask him to leave pronto if you're (rightly) thinking about your assets.

i can see why you’d want to do this, in this way. but i can’t imagine the conversation you’d need to have with your partner to do that.

You can obviously have some kind of ceremony followed by a party, but you can’t call it a wedding.

Weddings come with things like a certain level of obligation to attend, gifts, overnight stays, new outfits etc. I love a wedding but would be unlikely to put that much effort and expense into a glorified party with no real meaning.

Take advice and make a will. Get married if you want to. Enter into a civil partnership if you want to. Dress up as a bride and pretend to get married, what's the point?

Get a blessing if you like from a religious person, but marrying would be very silly.
Buy a ring and wear it if you like too.

Get a blessing if you like from a religious person, but marrying would be very silly.
Buy a ring and wear it if you like too.

Stacey Solomon did this.
be careful as ‘common law’ marriages are coming in soon anyway

I can.

'Thing is I want to be committed to you and would like to be married in a way and want you to go through this ceremony and all the fuss and hassle it entails but not a proper ceremony where we're actually married cause I don't trust you not to take my money in a divorce. '

That would go down like a cup of sick with me.

If you’re Christian you can’t do this. If you’re Muslim that’s easily done lots of second marriages are done like that with just a nikkah.

well precisely

I think it’s more : I want my money to go to my dd. C I die first and we are legally married. Then my money would be used on your care home fees or if you die before then then it could all go to your new wife who might spend it all on her own care home fees or give it to her kids not mine.
however I want us to make a spiritual pledge to love each over until we die that is witnessed by god so I want a religious wedding but not legal. Worst he can do it say no.

I completely understand you OP.
Everything I've built I've done it alone. It was my children who had less of me whilst I was working two jobs and it's them I want to reap the benefits in the future. I'm just not prepared to take the risk of my house and/or pension going to someone else. The person you marry is not the person you divorce.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm too old now to marry. I'm beyond the point where I would be building with someone else.....unless of course they come into the marriage with the same or more than me.

What commitment to each other is a wedding without it being legal?
it isn’t a commitment at all… just a very pricy party! You sound quite immature… being desperate for a fairytale wedding day but not actually wanting to be legally connected to him.. maybe you need to seek counselling for your previous trauma and unpack your feeling around only wanting to be 1 foot in the relationship…
Part of me I’m wondering whether this is about image? You want everyone to think you’re married and keep up appearances, but you won’t actually legally register the union??
Surely from a religious point this wedding would be deemed as a smoke screen? Deceitful and misleading?!

Sure, you could get a blessing or something, but don’t play it off as a marriage. That said, marriage is always going to be to the advantage of one partner and the disadvantage of the other. Dh, for example, would probably be much better off if we weren’t married. But we’re a team. The whole point is to join ourselves legally and financially. Because we want to look after each other. I think it’s fine if you don’t. But don’t dress it up to look like a wedding and a marriage. Just carry on as you are.

😂 We've had the convo. I don't beat around the bush. He's on board.

He is also from a blended family and got nothing when his dad passed. Step brothers did though!

That's fine. Why shouldn't you if that's what you and partner want? You can be married in the eyes of a religion or none, but not legally. It can just be considered a spiritual, personally meaningful ceremony cementing your love amongst your friends and family.

You can call each other husband and wife socially and act as such, but you just won't have certain legal protections or obligations.

@Interaillingmum it’s just a fake wedding / marriage. Can’t see the point of it tbh. Waste of money. But if you’re happy to pretend you’re married when you’re not, go for it.